pieces of me. in a restless heart.

There are pieces of me that I've banked on never changing. The way I embrace the world around me, see experiences, and love-- I've never wanted to change those things. I've always wanted to settle my restlessness but have seemed to find ways to ruin progress as I journey along.

I keep thinking about OD and who I was when I began writing there, sharing small pieces of my being until I realized that I was pouring my being, emotions, and cares into words that others could see. It was therapy.

When I stopped writing, I felt I had reached a place inside me that no longer needed the words to be said. And as I've let the words go, I've found other outlets, but the words in my own head that never find paper or space to be read drift haphazardly in a void that sinks.

Last night I randomly (as in the second time in a year) logged into OD to read that it would be closing up shop rather soon. Parts of me sank down in a chaotic fright. If what I had left there was no longer, then who am I anyway. If someone can't see me there, then perhaps I'm no one.

Silly, yes. Dramatic, slightly. But for years, I cultivated friendships there. To this day, some of my favorites are sharing my experiences (or lack there of) through my facebook. We are real friends with connections and shared experiences. In a way, OD was there, the people from OD were there when I felt no one else truly was. We forged our hearts into each other. We loved each other, cared for each other, lifted each other and soared-- through, over, and into places we though we would never over come!

And here I am, missing words. I will write more. I will embrace words again.

I feel it's what my head deserves and my heart desires.

It's a new day. The sun is brighter. I already feel lighter.

Love, Jess