not knowing in 2017

5:14pm

I realized I’ve been doing some major procrastinating on things I want to say. That’s not really anything new, except these are just things I’ve been meaning to write for a long time. I have a little draft setup with reminders and some of those reminders go all the way back to June, maybe before! heh. Whoops. I get sidetracked easily - oh look! a butterfly....

Kidding. I’m sitting in the office so the distractions would probably come in the form of spiders, or you know, actual clients. :)

We’re currently waiting for someone to come in. I hope she gets here before 6 so they can finish quickly. I’m starving. Although I did have a slice of homemade peach pie around 3pm. Yum! Straight from our backyard. I’m glad we had enough to make a few pies this year because the peach crop wasn’t that great. Must have had something to do with the wild temperature swings and those really hot humid days. There were far too many of those! [At least for me…I don’t really know how the peach tree felt about it]

Of course she showed up right at 6pm. I must have jinxed it. =\

I just spent the last half hour or so organizing a binder for a client. It’s actually quite relaxing to sit down and hole punch paperwork. I don’t know why that kind of mindless task works for me. It’s like washing dishes; that is one of my favorite things to do to relax. The joke is that I just need to find a man who’s willing to dry dishes because that particular job is not my cup of tea.

Why am I rambling on about this?
Oh, right, the hole punching project. Anyway, yeah it was nice. I’m relaxed. I had paperwork stacked up from early last year so clearly I had not worked on it for a while. I think I’d broken my hole punch or something and never got back around to it.

I am also doing that annoying thing where I am checking my e-mail way too many times in a day. It was probably good that I sat around working on things that weren’t always on a computer.

I really, really want to hear back from him and I know that I’m probably not going to but try convincing my heart of that. I mean this is his typical M.O. He’s terrible at responding to my emails even when he seems motivated to want to talk and communicate. It’s not like that’s ever been any different. During that contact in July he clearly wanted to talk to me and had plenty to say [hello hour long phone call!] but instead of replying to my email he waited like two weeks until he had time to talk on the phone. Maybe he just prefers phone calls? And he doesn’t have the time to call.

Duh! He’s out saving lives. Which is a way better excuse not to respond to me. A very reasonable, legitimate, honest, respectable excuse! Still, try convincing my heart of that. hah. I feel stupid about it, trust me!

I guess maybe if I’m trying to analyze things it could be because I care about him, and these fires have been insane, and I want to know he’s okay.
sidenote: did y’all see that video where that deputy was rescuing someone from the fires and then driving through all the sparks raining down around his car? That was insane! And that’s exactly what I imagine this guy doing and it makes me feel even worse about complaining that he won’t respond to my dumb ol’ email.

Not that I’m ‘complaining’ necessarily, I’m just bummed it’s not happening and semi-obsessively checking to see if things are still the same. I don’t know what else to do? It’s hard knowing someone out there, going through what they’re going through, and not being able to contact them at all. Like it’s one thing to watch from a distance - hear the news and watch the videos and then go on with life. But it’s a whole other thing to know someone living through it.

It’s not like I can e-stalk him, or read updates on fb, or text, or any of the hundreds of other ways people connect and receive information these days. I’ve got nothing but that one little reply from almost a week ago. Now, don’t get me wrong, I so appreciate that response I got. I could be sitting here with absolutely nothing and that would be killing me. I’m grateful he took the time to say anything at all! But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to keep my mind from wandering and worrying. I don’t know why this guy means what he does, but I guess in some way I feel connected to him and I just want to be in touch and sure he’s ok.

I would not have reached out again if it weren’t for these fires. I would have let it go until whenever, or if ever, he decided to reach out to me. I can only put myself out there so much before I get crushed you know. But this happened and now I have to know. At least until the danger passes. Once it’s over I can [try to] let go again and move on until further notice.

I didn’t actually mean to ramble on about this. It just sorta popped into my head and I had to get it out. There were probably other things I could have gone on about but oh well. I need to stop skipping lunch when I work; it makes me cranky. I rushed home to have dinner and relax on the couch. I have to get up sorta early tomorrow to go to a doctor’s appointment. I’ll be getting the results of my chest x-ray and artery ultrasound so that should be interesting. I have to remember to mention the constant fatigue I’ve been feeling. I can’t live with being tired all the time. I hate not being able to get up and move whenever I want. Hopefully there’s something to be done about it.

I just want to be able to know and to move.

rose.
10:55pm