quick flames in 2017

I’ve been working on this draft since like Sunday. I keep randomly adding a paragraph or two at the end of the night but I don’t have much motivation or desire to type a bunch of words. I figure I should post this and move on though. I still want to come back and write some quick things about my trip but I’ll have to make some time for that later. I’ll just post what I have and continue the rest later. Hopefully.

• The client and I have been exchanging some pretty good messages over the last couple of days. It was good before I left, we talked quite a bit, and then when I got back it’s picked up again. Several messages throughout the day usually instead of just one. It’s nice. I’m still not particularly interested, which makes me feel kinda bad, but it is kinda nice to see that little message pop up from him. Who doesn’t like having someone to talk to? He seems to be ok with being friends right now and I’m definitely keeping the lines defined and not blurring anything. I don’t mind being friends. I like having him around to share a quick chat with. We haven’t spoken about anything deeply personal, and I’m not sure we will, but this surface stuff is okay for now with him. I don’t mind it at all. Honestly, it keeps the loneliness at bay and I suspect it does the same for him.

• This trip definitely served as a distraction. I didn’t think about any guys at all during the days I was there. There was always so much going on. But I can’t say that I didn’t still think about them at night. Except maybe that first night when I was so dead tired I fell straight to sleep. The other nights though they were definitely on my mind, TF in particular. He’s always there. He’s been my only constant over the last year+.

• I think lately I’ve noticed that I’m only thinking about him because I don’t have anyone else to think about. My mind fluctuates between being whatever about the whole thing and missing him like crazy. It doesn’t make any sense. But the more time that passes the more I realize that it’s just because I don’t have anyone else. I’m self-aware enough to notice this. I like having someone to think about at night. It helps me sleep to fantasize about what my life could be like if it were different than it is now. And Tf’s the only one I’ve had in that way and certainly the most recent one so it’s easy to slip back into things with the idea of him.

• Also, thinking about him keeps me from thinking about the sheriff..because thinking about the sheriff does nothing but hurt my feelings. I’m hurt that he didn’t come back. What a pile of mixed messages I received from him. It doesn’t make sense that he would even bother to say all that stuff. But the older I get, and the more people I interact with, the more I realize that a lot of people do just that. Say things they don’t mean. Either because they think that’s what you want to hear, or because they’ve used the same lines before, or because it makes them feel better. What a bunch of bs though. When will I ever find someone who’s real?!

• I’m slowly working on this draft right, and it’s clearly going to take me a couple of days, but I wrote the above and then I got home today and there are all these news reports of fires raging out in the sheriff’s area. Like why? Why the connections? Because you all know I want to reach out and be like, “you’re ok right? ok good. bye.” It makes me feel stupid. Wanting to reach out to someone who clearly has no interest in reaching out to me. And I’d just started to allow myself to think about him this morning.

• Ok. Next day. I just sent an email to him about an hour ago. I couldn’t help myself. I know that if I didn’t say anything I’d look back on it with regret. It’s a big deal. I mean even our own friends from Wisconsin called us today just to make sure it was no where near us [which thankfully it is not]. Once I heard that, and how nice it felt that they would check in, I knew I had to reach out. If there’s one thing about this dude it’s that I’ve always reached out and left things without any regrets. I don’t know why that’s been so easy with him but so be it. Who am I to change things now? And everything’s so close to him, and it seems to be getting worse, and there’s no way I could leave it without any contact. Even if he replies with an “all good” and doesn’t say any more. At least then I’ll know that he’s ok and I won’t worry.

• Now I have to find a way not to obsessively check my email over the next few days waiting for a reply. hah. I’m so pitiful sometimes. =\

And on that note I shall go ahead and post. It’s late. I should have been asleep a long time ago. No work tomorrow though. We went in yesterday, stayed late, and I was able to get a lot of stuff done. We’ll be back in on Friday. So I’ll get ready for bed, try not to over-analyze every dang thing that may or may not happen and get some real sleep. I need real sleep.

rose.
11:43pm