Darkness... in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

  • Oct. 1, 2017, 3:43 p.m.
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  • Public

I opted for that title for two reasons. One, we’ve hit that part of the year where it’s quickly shifting to longer nights. The other is I’ve hit something I wasn’t expecting, and my depression is hitting me fairly hard.
Things are now completely done with M. This was the fifth time that she and I have tried to have a relationship. It’s been going since January. I found out yesterday morning that even though we’ve been talking since January, and she was aware that I wanted to be with her as much as two people can be together, she’s been with someone else since May. This even though I’ve seen her a few times very recently, a few times of which were days spent snuggled up on the couch, she’s been with someone else. She’s made me be “The Other Guy”. I am betrayed. I am hurt. I am sad. I now feel more alone that I have felt in a very long time.
The bad thing is, I’ve had a feeling for quite a while that I wasn’t the only one. I just believed her when she said I was. I believed her when she said she wasn’t going anywhere. This is too much. This is too many times I’ve put my heart out there for someone, and I’ve had it ripped out and stomped on. I loved her. I told her so. She knew what I’ve been through. She knew how I’d been hurt before. And yet, she still did it anyway. When I asked her why she never tried to tell me, she said she didn’t know how. My other question, which I’m not going to ask her, after we’d been together 5 different times, and she knew how I felt about her, why she went to someone else when she knew EXACTLY how I felt about her. She knew before May that I loved her. She knew before May that I wanted to be with her for the right reasons and for the long term. She knew before May that I’d have done damn near anything for her. But yet, she makes me be the other guy.
I’m honestly glad it never got beyond a kiss. Yes, she was probably the best I’ve ever “been with”. That’s a hard thing to forget. I never completely lost myself in her when things went that way, but it was pretty close. I knew she wasn’t faking it, cause I could feel her “enjoying herself.” I’ve never been with someone who made me feel like that during… Yeah. It was a great ego boost, but it also drew me closer to her.
I think that’s the only reason this isn’t absolutely killing me. Like I’ve said before, I can’t keep my heart out of when it becomes very intimate. She made me feel better than anyone has in a long time. She made me feel peaceful when she was here. She made me happy when she was here. Whenever my phone went off with her alert tone, it made me smile. My heart still jumps a little when I get a text, even though it’s not her tone, and she’s blocked from calling or texting me.
Even after all this, I still want her. I still miss her. I don’t want to want her anymore. I don’t want to miss her anymore. I don’t want to feel like this. I loved her with everything. Now I’m alone. More alone than I’ve felt in a very very long time.
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m 36. I have a little bit of social anxiety, so I don’t venture out much. I get too nervous talking to people, so even when I see someone I like, I have no clue how to talk to her. And I don’t take hints very well, so if a girl tried flirting with me, I’d never catch on. Here’s how I know this:
I was seeing a girl named Zoey. We went to one of the local beaches, and we were sitting around talking, and some girls walked past, and Zoey made the point to tell me that they were checking me out. I didn’t really buy it. But I made a point to pay a little more attention when they came back by. Zoey said they were still at it, but it didn’t seem that way to me. Later, as we were ending date, I completely missed the signs that it was okay to kiss her goodnight, so she pinned me against the side of my car and kissed me - quite passionately, I’ll add. Like I said, I don’t see hints very well.
So now, here I am, alone again, and little to no chance of finding someone else. Before I moved here, I had friends that I could meet someone through. I don’t have that now. I only know a couple of neighbors, and the people I work with. None of the neighbors are people that could introduce me to someone I’d date, and given I have a rule against dating someone from the work pool, I’m not likely at all to meet someone through my co-workers.
I know there’s online dating, but I’ve never had good luck with those. I’ve been on eFarmony, PlentyOfPish, Bin’d’er, and a couple of others, but never met anyone I could really connect with. And having settled for someone who didn’t really meet enough of my criteria in the past, I’m not willing to settle now. And don’t bother telling me to lower my standards and maybe I’ll find someone. I’m not looking to find someone. I’m looking to find The One. I’m looking for Miss Right. Not Miss Right Now. I want something deep and long term - granted in today’s society that’s seeming to be less and less of a possibility.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. This hurts more than I’ve hurt in a long time. I really thought this time was it. I really thought we’d have something that would last this time. I guess not.
I needed to get all that out. I’m going to go try and do something to distract myself from thinking for as long as I can manage it. I need the distractions. Or I need to go back to sleep. I don’t know. I’m down to 1 person I can completely trust, and I feel like even that has an expiration date.
Times like this, I think it must be nice to be heartless and shallow. Take what you want and walk away, never feel the guilt or pain of it. Sometimes I wish I could be like that. I’d be exactly the kind of person I can’t stand, but at least I wouldn’t be in this situation.

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