Bit of it all... in Random Thoughts

Today is a nice relaxing day. I had to put my car into the mechanic, thankfully nothing major. I knew the clutch needed to be replaced, but that happens when you buy a car with almost 200,000 miles on it. The other issue it had was a failed sensor, so that’s being replaced. In talking to the mechanic, we decided since the front end of the car is essentially being completely dismantled, may as well do the long term maintenance on it as well - all the belts, hoses, timing belt, and alternator. I fully intend to get another 200,000 miles out of this car.
Then I guess the truck is next up for maintenance.
It’s been a bit of a roller coaster for me since the last entry. I’m back on meds (don’t recall if I mentioned that.) and it’s been a fair challenge to get it dialed back in. It’s my fault for taking nearly 7 years to get back on them. I feel better, I’m just not sleeping well enough at night. Bought a new bed thinking that was the issue, but sadly not much help.
I’ve had some dreams that don’t make much sense. BE showed up in a dream again, this time running up to me and hugging me like we had been together for years. I’ve not heard from her in a couple of years, and last I did, she was engaged. Eh well. Another crush from a life time ago, I’ll just call her BD, showed up in a couple of dreams. They were… hmmm… far more involved than reality ever allowed. J also showed up. I sort of expect that given we chat fairly frequently and exchange pictures (scenery and selfies alike) often. I think she sees more worth sharing in a day than I do. Her appearance was actually more a comfort. It was basically a day on the couch, watching movies, and snuggled up, talking softly about life. I’d enjoy that coming true when we’re able to finally close the gap of time zones, oceans, and miles between us. I finally ended up telling her (more or less) how I feel about her. I dunno what it is. I feel like I can tell her absolutely anything, but I want to tell her about my feelings for her and I just clam up. Oh wait, that’s part of why I’m single. LOL!
M has been talking to me more, but I still don’t know what to make of it. She hints about wanting things like they were before, missing me, etc, but I can’t get a straight answer outta her when I ask her directly. As much as I say “ex’s are ex’s for a reason”, somehow I keep falling back into this whole trap with her that I don’t doubt is just going to end in disappointment again. Sometimes I wish she’d just show up, sometimes I wish someone else would just steal me away (preferably J), and I’d never have cause to think of M again. Buuuuuut in the mean time I’m screwed. LOL!
I’m just sort of all over the place. Work is okay at least. I’ve not wanted to strangle the scheduler recently. I’ve done okay recently as far as my mind goes. I’ve not been going nearly as far into that dark place as I have before. But I still kinda get there.
I’ll not deny for a moment I’m lonely. I hide it well. It still bothers me tho. At least I’m not faking smiles as often.
The sun is coming back out finally. That will help.
I think I’d best try and get something done around here. But it’s such a nice day to just relax.