even after all this time in 2017

10:11pm

I want to write tonight, but at the very same time I really do not want to write. It just feels like stuff I’ve been feeling/thinking for a long time and I’m not sure I should put it into words. I mean I know how helpful that’s been in the past. Say the words and let them go. It’s a pretty proven technique. But it’s hard to admit and say, even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal in words. It’s a big deal in my head.

I’m still struggling with the TF thing. I know, I know! It’s been so long and I feel kinda stupid for it but it’s there. I can’t really hide it from myself. It’s pretty clear to anyone else around here anyway. I pretty much mention him in every entry. It’s hard not to. There’s always a reminder. He was such a big damn deal in my life.

And I know we were terrible. Ok. I know! I promise I do. But he was also something that I’ve never had before. He was something I had been waiting for for so long that he’s hard to get rid of. He’s hard to ignore and move forward from. Or…the idea of him is hard to move away from. We all know this.

I don’t actually miss him. Not the him that I had access to. I don’t miss the drama, although some days I feel like I’m addicted to it. I don’t miss the roller coaster lows. I don’t miss the devastation I felt when I realized it was over for good. I don’t miss the months of depression that followed.

But I miss the good stuff. Of course. Hindsight is 20/20, right? I miss having someone want me. I miss knowing I’m not entirely invisible. I miss feeling like someone’s so attracted to me they don’t know how to stay away. I miss the affection.

It’s pretty obvious why I miss these things. They were all things I’d been craving for years. They were all the missing puzzle pieces I thought I needed and wanted. He made me feel better about myself. He made me want to be better. He gave me the confidence I’d always been lacking. In theory he was the one I’d always been waiting for.

It’s so hard to move on from that. I don’t hurt the way I used to. I don’t even feel the way I felt a couple months/weeks ago. I don’t feel that devastation, but I still can’t let go.

I spent two hours this morning lying in bed thinking about what it would be like to see him again. Imagining whether or not he’d apologize or what we’d talk about. Then, just as I started to fall back asleep, I was suddenly leaning against the wall of someone’s pool house crying in front of him. I was telling him everything I felt. Every thing he had no idea about. And then I was collapsing onto the floor and he was moving to sit next to me and he put his hand on my back. He was so gentle and caring. He was concerned and trying to take care of me. And we were holding hands and he was putting his arm around me and every thing was right again.

And it was all a dream. A fantasy. A desire to mean some thing to someone that is completely non-existent.

What is wrong with me? Why do I think that this could ever possibly be right? Why is it so easy for my brain to ignore all of the stupid shit we went through? I mean, it’s probably just a way for your brain to protect you, right? To forget the bad. The pain and the hurt. To ignore it all and only remember the moments that brought pleasure. To only fantasize about how beautiful and wonderful it could be if you were both completely different people. Something that isn’t even possible…

I wish he could be different. I wish I could be different. I wish we could have done things right. I wish someone that meant so damn much in my life didn’t have to turn into someone that means nothing.

I’m gonna need closure. Some day, at some point, I’m going to need closure from him. And I think I’ll get that. When I’m ready and God thinks I can handle what he has to say, that’s when it’ll come. But I’m impatient and it’s hard to wait. It’s hard to wait until it’s right. Although I know that if it comes before I’m ready then it’ll just be a waste of time. I guess I just want to be ready so I can get it over with.

It doesn’t seem like it, but I don’t actually want to hold onto this forever. Not if it isn’t right. I want to move forward. I don’t want this to hold me down for the rest of my life. I want to feel ok again.

I think I’ll always miss TF. No matter what happens, I’m always going to miss him. I’ll always care about him. I’ll always want to tell him that he needs to open up his heart. I will always want to know that he’s happy. And I will always be there for him if he needs me.

It’s hard to feel this way about someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in over six months. I know myself well enough to know that I’m holding on really strongly to all of the amazing things.

I need to stop that. But man it was so good when it was good. I don’t even know what the hell it was about him. The attention I guess? The flirting. But I was so damn hooked on that out of nowhere. He took over my whole world. I didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late. I should have walked away a dozen times and I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go. I still can’t. Obviously. =|

I don’t want to hold out hope that this will be something in the future. I don’t want to convince myself that he’ll change, and I’ll change, and we’ll suddenly be able to work everything out. Because I know that’s not going to happen. It’s not possible. And I don’t want my brain, or my heart, or whatever it is that’s controlling these emotions to make me think that it’s possible.

Who knew I’d end up here, huh?

The crazy part is that I spent years watching him and never once did I think it would ever turn into a “thing”, so clearly I learned to feel this way about him. It feels like it came out of nowhere and was meant to be, but all of this was learned. I could have spent the rest of my life seeing him a couple of times a year and never feeling anything for him.

My struggle is with learning how to unlearn all of this. All of the feelings and emotions.

I know that some day this won’t mean as much as it does right now. It means less now than it did six months ago. I just hope that there won’t be too many more of these entries before it feels right again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for what it was, and I’m grateful for how far I’ve come since then, but some day I hope it isn’t so much of a struggle. I don’t want to spend two hours of my day dreaming about how it can be beautiful and perfect and amazing again.

Then just before 10:30 this morning I got a text and knew it had to be from the client. It said, “good morning rose. just wanted to say hi. hope you have a great day.” and it included a selfie of him at work in the shop. A mother freaken selfie! I didn’t even know guys took selfies! ugh.

But the worst part is that it meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.

rose.
11:02pm

Last updated September 29, 2017