Don’t know if I can bring myself to go to the cemetery Friday. It will be 17 years since pepere died been drinking way to much to the point of not being sober for days at a time. I just keep going. This is the worst time of year for me. I wasn’t able to be there when he passed everyone else was there. My mom was at the psych ward bringing me food when she got the call her dad was dying. To this day she can’t go over the bridge she had to go over from the hospital I was at to the the one her dad was at without having a panic attack
And I blame myself. If I didnt try to kill myself and he wasn’t told maybe he wouldn’t have had a heart attack. I know it would have happened either way but I just can’t.