Maybe it's the worst in me in 2017

8:33pm

Well, today was a pretty productive work day so I guess that’s good.

I don’t know why I said that like that. I think I’m on the verge of falling into a bad headspace but I’m going to try really hard to avoid it. I know it’s just a hormonal thing I’ve got going on. It’ll pass quickly enough.

We spent about an hour and a half with TF’s sister today at the office. She came in with her bf to ask about some work stuff. I didn’t expect them to be there that long when they arrived around 5pm, but I forgot how much she can talk once she gets started. haha. Most of it was work related. They have a lot going on and there are a lot of ins and outs to it.

She always comes in and looks at me all serious. I feel like she doesn’t think I recognize her, or something? It’s strange, but then she relaxes and is the friendliest ever. Hugs at the end and everything.

I actually don’t mind standing around talking to her/them. I remember saying I wouldn’t mind being friends with someone like that back when we first met and it’s still true. That was before I even knew she was related to TF! [Different last names and no other connections] It turned into a crazy weird coincidence! I can never really figure out how to transition something like that into a friendship. I guess I’d have to work with her a lot more.

They did say they were going to invite us to the wedding. I guess they’re thinking of just eloping because they were going to get married this weekend and had to postpone. Her sister is getting married in a couple weeks [and I think another brother is getting married next year] and they aren’t sure what they’ll do yet. But they were saying that it should happen before the end of the year.

Mom ended up asking about why they were skipping the big party and they said they were definitely still doing that part. haha. I made a joke about how she [the sister] had already told us we were invited. And she was like, “yeah, yeah you are!” and Mom joked about how people say stuff all the time and then forget. There were a bunch of jokes and she made a comment about how Mom’s business card was still on their lazy susan. I said they should add a little note that says not to forget to invite us and she stopped talking and started writing it down in her notebook next to all her other business notes. haha. It was so funny.

That was maybe the only time I thought about TF while they were there. Just the thought of showing up at a party for them where he’s almost certainly going to be. I can only imagine his reaction to seeing me walk in.
[And honestly I wondered what he must be feeling at the idea of all his siblings getting married. I can see him in those quiet moments where he allows himself to feel his true feelings and I doubt they’re any good..]

They don’t even know we all know each other. She has no idea that I dated her brother for like a split second. It’s weird to stand there knowing what I know. On the way home Mom and I were talking about it, laughing about things and what not, and I was waiting to see if TF would come up. Right before we got home she mentioned that she was almost going to ask about him. Our business is all about confidentiality though. Like if I see you on the street I can’t even mention where I know you from. So it’s a big no-no to bring others up. She mentioned this was the reason she hesitated.

I mean, it’s not like she’d automatically know where we know him from but there would definitely be questions so best not to bring it up at all. I agreed I was curious but that it was a bad idea. I mentioned that I was wondering what happened to that guy. That he’d called and never shown up and that I’d received that “cryptic mysterious email” from him. She asked about it like I’d never told her. Mom doesn’t listen to me half the time though. hah. I told her it was the one where he just said hi and she asked if that was it and what I said. I told her I just said hi back and then he called but didn’t leave a message or get in touch again. She said maybe he was drunk. haha. TF is so not the type to drunk dial you. I’m not even sure he drinks all that much. I laughed and said it was the middle of the day so I didn’t think so. Then I got out to get the mail and it hasn’t come up again. And it won’t.

That contact was definitely cryptic though and I haven’t heard a word from him since. He hasn’t even called the office during off hours. I did always say that guy was weird. I would find it kind of amusing to just show up at one of his family’s functions though. We’ll see what the future holds.

In other boy things: I sent a message to the client the other day and told him that I was sorry about taking so long to respond [it was like another week, unintentionally] and he actually took over 24 hours to respond. Apparently way more. I just looked and I replied Friday and he waited until Monday which is a first. Now I’m thinking he must have been at the lake all weekend though. He said that it was better to stay away from the nonsense on fb anyway. Then he went on to say that he’s really enjoyed talking to me on there and asked if I’d like to text so that we could talk more often. He said he didn’t see why we couldn’t be friends, we live so close, so why not right.

We live so close? I mean, we live in the same town sure but is that a reason to be friends? haha. That made me laugh. Plus the fact that if you read that “let’s text instead” comment to anyone that knows me they’d laugh without a second thought. I’m a terrible texter!

I ended up replying that night and telling him that he was going to laugh at me but I’m way worse at texting. I said everyone gives me a hard time and I’d already told him I was bad at technology. I also said I wouldn’t mind being friends, we could all use those, but we’d have to figure something else out. Maybe I could learn to stare at my phone like the rest of America. haha.

I just realized he wrote me back yesterday morning. And another message this morning but I didn’t get the email notification for either. Weird? I didn’t get on the computer at all yesterday and I would have missed today’s too if I didn’t get on to type this.

He said, “that’s quite alright Rose. I almost envy you being so care free and not attached to your phone” and then went on to say it was good because there’s nothing but bs on fb now. He gave me his number anyways “if you ever feel like talking.” This morning’s message asked if I’d like to go to an airshow with him.

Uhh....dude? What is with this guy? I’m clearly avoiding. Why keep trying?

That’s why people like me are so screwed up huh? Some perfectly nice guy is chasing me. Exactly what I keep saying I want! And I’m blowing him off because I’m not attracted, or my head’s too screwed up, or I’m stuck on people that don’t give two cents about me. How stupid is that!?

Why can’t I just give in to him? Why can’t I just take this and roll with it and get what I keep saying I want? Maybe I don’t even know what I want. Maybe I put myself in these situations so that I don’t ever actually have to commit or change. Stare at closed doors and completely ignore the ones that open.

I could probably find a way to make it to the show with him but I’m not willing to put the effort into it. I’m also not willing to get stuck at an all day event, miles from home, with someone I barely know.
[sidenote: I happened on some comments he made on fb that were very political and very opposite my own viewpoints. He was clearly heated and making waves and that is so far from anything I like or would be attracted to…]
So realistically I know why I’m avoiding and not just jumping at this, but still. It makes me feel kinda nuts. Like why not just do the thing? Know what I mean?

Oh well. I’m gonna go find a nice way to let him down easy and continue on. I’ll probably shoot him my phone number just to be nice and then avoid any messages on there. hah. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

Use my avoidance skills to avoid all men in general? That might be healthy and smart for me. hah.

I’ll have to tell you about the dreams I’ve had about the sheriff though. I don’t usually dream about real people, but I’ve had at least 4 over the last few months about him. And I think I might have had one about tf the other night but don’t remember anything other than waking up and feeling like he’d been there in the dreams. Later though.

rose.
10:12pm