inhibitors in 2017

8:47pm

I was sitting at work this morning at a way too early business meeting [a lot of them are on the East Coast so they try to make the time work for everyone]. It’s hard because there are a lot of people that were affected by all the recent Hurricanes [Houston, Florida and Puerto Rico] and also the earthquake in Mexico. Crazy to start to hear stories. We’ll be having these calls every couple of weeks and our big meeting is in like November so I’m sure we’ll catch up with a lot of them.

I never wrote about San Diego, did I? It was a very interesting meeting where we really got to meet and bond with several other members of the group. I think that was the first opportunity we’d had to connect with some of them. A lot of people made the comment over the course of the couple days we were there that it felt like we were a family. [There must have been about 20 of us that really connected] We all got along so well and it was so easy going. Even I enjoyed it! I’m at least 50x more outgoing now than I was even a year ago, but I can still easily pass on social interaction so that was surprising.

There was one guy there that was close to my age [a couple of them actually and it’s usually old people] and we ended up connecting the last night we were there. Turns out that he was actually born at an old base that’s about an hour away from me. He lives in Florida now [they were mentioning him a bunch on the call today].
Honestly, the thing I remember most about him is that we’d all gone out to dinner that last night. The meeting was over and a group decided to walk down the street and eat together. He was initially in front of me at the table but ended up having to move over. We chatted a little bit. I remember he asked me how old I was and I made a joke about how he wasn’t supposed to ask me that, but he missed it the 1st time around. haha. We were jumping back and forth between English/Spanish so I think he was trying to see how well my Spanish was. At the end of the night things were winding down and he’d gotten up from the table to talk on the phone. Everyone was kinda scattered in conversation at that point. I was talking to someone, our Manager guy maybe, and I started laughing. I remember looking up to see him standing by the window, backlit by the glowing streetlights, and he was watching me and smiling. The way you watch someone you find intriguing. There was more than one occasion where I glanced up and caught him staring/smiling, which was kinda flattering in its own way.

Oh, the caveat though…he’s totally married. Guess I could have mentioned that at the beginning huh? haha. That night, on the walk back to our hotel, we ended up walking near each other on and off and talking more. That’s how I found out he was born out here. And when we got back to the hotel we were all saying goodnight and walking towards our elevators. He called out to us and was saying it was nice to meet us and to take care. After a couple seconds it clicked that he wasn’t going to be there the next day and he was trying to say bye. I almost walked back over to give him a hug [we’re Mexican, it’s not out of the ordinary…] but I took a step, hesitated, and then decided the better of it and waved and walked off as if I hadn’t realized he was leaving. It was probably the best option anyway.

Anyway, I meant to write that story a long time ago, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and figured I’d take this opportunity.

During that same call this morning I was scrolling through my text messages. [I like to multi-task ok…] I came across that old familiar message - Babe, let’s make something but I need some love from you - and you know what? I didn’t feel much of anything. Talk about progress right there!!
Really all this crazy brain of mine could think was, “Aww that’s cute he called me ‘babe’.” No one’s ever called me babe before. hah! So I guess maybe that’s where I’m at these days? =\ I don’t even know anymore. But it’s probably the best reaction I’ve ever had to seeing that message so hey, I’ll take it!

See, that’s what the crazy chemicals in your brain will do to you! They should sell some like chemical attraction inhibitors that you can just pop when you feel yourself starting to get crazy in the head. Like when you’re starting to lose your own ability to think rationally and make any sense. Or you’re starting to forget who you are in favor of falling all over them. That’s when you need to pop that pill that will inhibit any chemical attraction from forming and you can stay right in the head. Someone out there’s got to be able to invent one of those, right? Million dollar idea right there! I’d pay to have some sitting around for sure, especially after this last year of crazy brain.

In an ideal world we would become the best of friends. I know we could have so much fun hanging out and bs-ing! But I know we don’t live in an ideal world. He doesn’t want to be my friend. I mean, from the very beginning I was clear that I wanted to get to know him and be friends first and he wasn’t having any of it. Sure we had a ton of communication but we were never friends. If he didn’t want to be my friend back then, he certainly wouldn’t want to now. And the truth is that we probably couldn’t even be friends. There was [maybe still is?] way too much of that chemical attraction going on between us. [and no pills yet!] It’s not even that I’m worried that he wouldn’t be able to control himself. I’m more than willing to admit that I’m more worried about being able to control myself. I’d always be wanting to touch him or feel his affection wrapped all over me. [I ate that sh*t up like a starving child when it was first going on.] Ahh well. It would be fun though =)

That entry the other day was kinda dramatic and I was a little bit tipsy, but I think it was exactly what I needed. I needed to go to his [sheriff’s] page again and really see what was there. I needed to look at those pictures and realize what I did. Honestly, what got me was that I was scrolling through there and there’s that section that lists all the people you’re following or whatever. Well, he follows a lot of skinny blonde outdoorsy girls and I suddenly realized that I’m probably not his type at all and that’s why he doesn’t think enough of me to keep in touch. I will never look like that. I will never be one of those girls. And yeah there was definitely some kind of anxiety/jealously type feelings about it. I can’t really help those, but it was exactly what I needed to see apparently.

I don’t, and won’t, understand why he said all the things he said. He didn’t have to say them. He didn’t even have to come back! We could have had a clean break and all would be fine. So I won’t understand why he felt the need to mention multiple times that he saved my voicemails, or why he felt like acting like this was a little something more than it was. But then again, I don’t really seem to understand men at all these days so whatever.

He might come back in April and I’m not really sure what I’ll do. I really want to protect myself, obviously, but I just can’t say for sure. I’ll definitely try my hardest to take every thing he says from here on out with a grain of salt.

I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for someone to want me, right? And I’m perfectly capable of waiting, even if I am impatient. I’m just not willing to compromise either.

So I think I’m doing better. I was going to mention how much better I felt yesterday but I wanted to make sure it was more than just a day. Today’s been good too, but I’m still hoping this isn’t just a fluke. I want to move forward from all this. I keep saying this, I know, but it’s time.

rose.
10:41pm