I plead the fifth in 2017

10:50pm

I really should stay off of social media at night. Especially these days.

I always end up doing stupid things like looking up profiles of people who don’t give a damn about me.

You know it’s hard. This year’s been so f*cking depressing. I’ve been so terribly sad and every time I think I have it under control I’m reminded about how I’m not in control at all.

It sucks spending so much time focusing on people who don’t matter. Or people who don’t think you matter. I wish I could just get that through my head. Hey Rose! Just walk away from this one! You know you should! Just walk, damn it!

-_-

That’s like my new favorite face because that’s all I really ever feel. [That’s not true. I am happy sometimes. I’m just not happy in this moment so everything’s all wah wah]

I looked up the sheriff’s fb, which was stupid. I don’t know why I like to torture myself. I’m such a masochist sometimes. I mean, I guess it’s good I didn’t look up Tf right? That’s progress? Or something.

I’m not even really attracted to him when I look at his pictures. It’s weird. But there are some pictures on there from about 10 days before I met him last year and I remember being so attracted to him when he came in. He couldn’t have changed that much in that amount of time. He must just look funny in pictures. I certainly look terrible in most of mine. Not that he looks terrible. He just looks his age.

That’s another thing - he’s so old. He’s not my type. He lives a million miles away. He doesn’t think enough about me to keep in touch. He doesn’t reply to my emails. He doesn’t come back to see me.

Why are those reasons not enough to get over this?!?

I guess it’s harder to get over someone you never got a shot with, huh? Someone you thought would be great company but you never got to find out for sure. Someone you liked in person and on the phone and had such good pseudo-connection with. I just never got to find out if there was more than that. If it was real or not. If it would turn into just another guy looking to score or whatever. And I hate to quit. I hate giving up. I’m terrible at walking away from things [clearly!]. It’s just so much easier to walk away when you have concrete evidence to back you up. It’s terribly hard to move on when it’s all so uncertain. When you’ll never know if it meant anything or jack sh*t.

Someone disable my fb after 10pm yeah? Thanks. I have so many other things to worry about. Or not worry about. But so many other things I could be enjoying instead of sitting around reminiscing and focusing on someone who will probably never mean anything more to me anyway. Someone it would probably never realistically work out with.

Why can’t I just accept that and move on? Why the hell can’t I walk away from this one?! I’m not that damn lonely! I have a good life! I love this good life!!

Nothing ever seems to make sense to me anymore…

rose.
11:04pm