knowing it is all it would be in 2017

6:13pm

I just realized that I might actually hit a new entry count record this year. Crazy! I’m only 10 entries away from my all time high, which I’m pretty sure I can manage over the next few months. Especially if life continues the way it’s been. I’m not actually all that surprised given the state of my mind and outside life this year. We’ll see how it goes. New records are fun, but I could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow. You never know…

For now though I will continue to bore you with whatever other random thoughts spring to mind. I’ve never said this wasn’t a good processing place. hah. Plus I just finished a 6 hour online class that probably actually took me 6 hrs, or more. I’m such a slow reader, especially if it’s boring material. This one’s basically a recap of everything I do at work including updates for the new year. A lot of it is stuff I don’t really have to memorize. It would be impossible to hold all of that information in my head during the year. I guess they want you to know the premise though and how it applies if you don’t have a computer to help you crunch some numbers or ask the right questions. I wish everyone had to do the class honestly because you shouldn’t be in this line of work if you can’t pass the test. Which I have yet to take because making it through the class was enough for me today. haha. The test is listed as 3 hrs, which I know isn’t how long I’ll take but it’s possible and it’s too late to start right now. I’d like to go home at some point before it’s dark.

Can you believe this is the last week of Summer? That doesn’t even feel right. I’ve loved this Summer but there have been a lot of unbelievably hot days and I don’t do well in that kind of heat. I mean, I don’t mind being out in the sunshine every now and then but if I’m sweating without even moving…no thanks! Autumn was always my favorite time of year. I’m not sure if it still is but if we get the right kind of weather this year it might be. It’s just that Autumn is associated with the end of the year and things winding down and that means things are about to wind up for me with work. Not exactly something I look forward to, although once I’m in, I’m in. If you jump in and remember to eat/not get angry/take things in stride/breathe it all goes pretty quickly and you’re back on break again looking to fill up your time. :)

I want to try to enjoy this coming season. It’s been rough lately, and I kinda hate admitting that, but it has been. I would like to find some way to really enjoy the next few months. To enjoy the turning of the weather, the long nights, the holidays with family and friends, the smell of the air, the beauty everywhere. I need to focus on all that. I need to wake up each morning and remind myself that all the stuff in my head is just stuff in my head. It’s fantasies and illusions, chemicals and dreams. If I work at it hard enough I can find a way to get right again.

I’m still a realist though, and I know the next few months are going to be tough if I let them. There are a lot of memories associated with this time from last year. First dates and phone calls. Every holiday is attached with a memory of him. They all just popped into my head without even trying. It’s going to come up around here when I post and it’s going to come up in my mind when I’m alone and quietly contemplating the world. It’ll be impossible to stop or ignore. But during all those moments I have to remember that what’s done is done. There is absolutely nothing I can do to go back and change what happened.

I can’t change the conversations we had or the moments we shared. I can’t bring them back to life either. All I can do is remind myself to treat them as the memories that they are. That’s it. No, it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to and I didn’t get the chance I wanted either, but I cannot change that. I cannot go back. Only forward.

Anything we may have from here on out will be different. It’ll never be what it was. It’ll never start from that last good moment. It’ll all be new and fresh and hopefully different [because I sure as heck do not want to take that emotional roller coaster ride again!].

This weird random contact the other day left me crushed all over again, but mostly because I was simply left with more unanswered questions from him and I put way too much stock into it. I think sometimes I get so desperate to derive meaning out of a situation that I forget that it doesn’t always work that way. I need to just ride it out and let the world show me what’s going on.

In this particular case, he wasn’t being weird or trying to hurt me. He was just being himself. But with all the leftover feelings and baggage from our own personal past I tried to make it into something it definitely was not. I will hear from him eventually and I will get whatever reasonable explanation comes with this contact, but man I blew that way out of proportion.

I can recognize that. I will acknowledge and fully accept that I let my feelings get the best of me the other day. I guess I just haven’t been able to completely recover from this one yet. That’s no surprise really.

It is pretty easy to say that that whole thing is one of the biggest moments I’ve had in terms of interpersonal connections ever in my entire life.
[sidenote: Even just there in that sentence I twice corrected the word “was” for “is” because of this one moment in his truck when he made me realize how much I talk about things in the past even though they’re current.]
I know there were some really wonderfully amazing moments that we had together and I hope to never forget them. [Also I can’t deny that there was some really amazing chemistry and passion and boy was I suddenly so attracted to him!] But there were also some really painful things that in the end taught me a lot about myself and the world around me. I hope never to forget those moments either. I wouldn’t be this person right now without all of that together. I want to remember that. I have to remember that.

Maybe this is what was missing. Full acceptance. Acknowledging that it all happened and that I will have to move forward. That I can move forward from this.

I don’t want this to continue to haunt me any more. I can’t let the perfect fantasy I built up in my mind rule my every memory of us and/or all of our future interactions. That part wasn’t real. I want to live with the lessons I’ve gained and continue on with life. That’s kind of my only option at this point.

I’m going to try to pull myself out of my own head on this one. It’s time. I can’t live in that fantasy world forever. I know that. Even if it hurts to admit…

Also, since I’m on the topic of moving forward and not living in my fantasy world any longer. I need to accept the way things are with the Sheriff. I need to take it for what it is. If he wanted to talk to me, he would. I’m right here. He knows exactly where to find me. Clearly he’s not interested in keeping in contact and I have to finally just accept that. It hurts. It sucks. But it’s just the way it is.

Time to get back to my real life. To focus on what I want and need out of life. I need to stop wasting so much damn time.

Some day maybe some guy will come into my life and want me the way I need and want them. Or maybe not. Either way I have to stop staring at and living in this fantasy world that does not exist and gets me nowhere. Even if it stings and breaks my heart.

rose.
10:09pm