May 22nd, 2012 (First thoughts of divorce) in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

Today I bought a basketball and shot some hoops out in the rain and just thought about everything.

I feel really lost and trapped. It is the weirdest feeling. Almost like I am living a bunch of different lives and I don't quite know what to make of who I really am. I think I have it all together at one moment, and then the next day comes and suddenly everything in my mind changes. What I want, what I need, who I am, where I'm going. All tangled up in this giant web that I try to unravel as each day passes, but instead I make an even bigger mess.

I talked to J today. We both agreed that when I get back to Washington we are spending a lot of time together. It was nice to talk to him about my marriage and it kind of made me realize that he was right all along. I thought I wanted to be a married woman, but I'm just not that person. And especially with Dave, who is so opposite from me. I need to be free, and I need to accept that is just who I am. So I have decided it is my goal to just get my BA and save up as much money as possible. I can either get my credentials after and have a teaching job in Washington or switch it up. I don't know. I don't think I can handle teaching high school or below. I might just have to go for it though, and I can worry about my master's when I get settled in Washington. Or maybe I don't need to rush it, maybe I can just get everything here. It is so confusing. I want to go back to Washington with a lot of money saved and no debt (besides school loans), and with a good job lined up. I want to make sure I don't fall into the pattern of "needing a man" ever again. Maybe that was just the lesson I had to learn before I could be with J? He said to me, "Just think, this could have happened to the two of us". I am so so glad it didn't.

So there it is. I'm going to be realistic here and set the goal for 30. 30 is the new 20 anyway, at least I will look like I am still 20 lol. I will still have half my life to spend in Washington. I just need to focus on what I need to do to get me there, this time the right way so I don't end up at a Walmart or with another man. I can do this, I just need patience because it is going to be a long wait.

As for Dave, I know he will be heartbroken at first, but I also know he will move on and he will be better off alone. He has his life set up that way already anyway, always doing the things he wants to do, always needing his quiet time by himself, his life will still be exactly the same without me. I am not worried about him at all. I hate to do this to him, but it won't be the end of the world, and after it is all said and done I know he will be happier in the long run by himself.