May 17th, 2012 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

Tourny number two today. Sigh. I feel so weird. He was there and I feel like I blew it. I don't know exactly what though.

Driving around in the golf cart. His hand on my leg, "What's wrong? You are acting weird." "Nothing, I'm just tired..."

Alone under the tent. Me backing away into the corner. Following around the girls instead of him. Not saying goodbye. Him feeling like I am ignoring him, running away from him. Whatever you want to call it. But I'm not. I'm just ..confused. Nervous. I don't know. In reality I just want him to text me. I just want to talk to him. To tell him all the things I'm thinking about. But that is so stupid. So complicated. I'm making nothing into something. It is best to back away.

I come home and I feel so empty. I sit across from my husband at the bar and feel like I'm missing so much. It was never like this with other guys. This sounds lame, but I was watching Dr. Phil today about this girl who "liked sleeping with random guys" and the reasoning behind it. Something about how the way she feels "worthy" and "confident" is when other men are giving her attention. When other men..want her body. It makes her feel good about herself. And Dr. Phil, with his shiny bald head sitting next to her, "Sleeping around isn't a way to feel better about yourself".

And I know that is all he wants. Why should I feel good about that? I don't even know if I ever could go all the way. It would be so risky, so awkward. But he flirts with me, grabs me, holds me, kisses me....he is physically showing me attention that I don't get from my husband. That I want to get from my husband. That I know I never will, because he is -not- like that. He is not one of those guys who wants to be all over me. Is it because he respects me? Sure. But I'm not the type of girl who wants to feel respected. I mean I do, but I don't know. I'm like that girl from the Dr. Phil show. I feel worthy and confident in abnormal ways. I feel like a fucking 17 year old. I thought I'd grown out of this "phase" but like Dr.Phil says, it is imprinted on my mind. I'm supposed to "overcome" this desire...this....craving for something else. But honestly I don't know if I ever will. I can have people tell me what I should be like. But in my mind I know the type of person I am, and I don't think it is going to change.