April 15th, 2012 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

Things have been odd lately. Well, let's just say, I stopped taking my birth control. And well, you know when you are on it and your libido is extremely low? Well it is pretty much the exact opposite now that I am off it. And it really needs to umm settle down because I am married to Dave--a man with the lowest libido I have ever known about. Ugh. I guess I can officially say I am "sexually frustrated". I really need to get some health insurance and get back on the birth control, or should I call it, sex control. LoL.

While I feel so "frustrated", I tend to look at other guys differently. And it is tough when I work with a very sexy guy who is very touchy-feely. He is the only other guy server (thankfully the look-alike Nick dude never came back)...so yeah he is definitely nice to look at when I am surrounded by other girls and a bunch of old grumpy golf dudes. I really didn't start talking to him until the other day, but I could feel myself being very attracted to him and looking at the schedule to see what days we worked together. AGH. Anyways, we worked a function together and we just goofed around, talked about our past, took cigarette breaks together, etc. He always helps me out like when some couple orders a bottle of wine I just look at him with this horrified look and he does it for me. He always grabs me, hugs me, talks about how he wishes it was just him and I working together and obviously someone in my "position" is going to feel that fluttery feeling. It is just difficult because before (for instance the Jordan and I situation) I would just flirt, give sexual hints, ask for number/to hang out, etc until I got what I wanted. Now it is like Wow..I am married. He is in a serious relationship. This harmless flirting will never lead anywhere, it will just make me more sexually frustrated and of course wanting what I cannot have. Sigh. I don't want to sound like a horrible person! I want to be more satisfied in my relationship with Dave, but I know...I KNOW...that will never happen. It's all fine and dandy when my libido is also low, but times like this OMG. I just want him to be aggressive, push me against the wall, have that hot steamy passionate sex. But there is no way in hell he would ever be like that. The closest he gets to that is when he gets shitfaced and he never gets shitfaced anymore because he "doesn't like to drink that way anymore". I can't stand thinking I will never have that passion ever again in my life.

Last night I came home after work and we all went to Champion's (Rena and Jeff's Saturday night hangout) and they didn't have jagar so I just started drinking Jameson. About two hours went by and I was pretty drunk at this point and went outside to talk to some guy about literature and smoke a cig, then I called Andrea about my "situation" and then Dave came out so I had to cover it up with some "scholarship" story lmao. Jeff and Rena had been drinking literally all day long so they were hammered. Dave was the sober one and drove her car and she kept yelling "DRIVE FASTER!" And then we went to this Sammy's roastbeef place and I told them to order me a roastbeef sandwich because I had never had one and then I went to the bathroom and like a gang of people were standing around drunk and I had like a ten minute conversation with them about who knows what. Then two guys came out of the bathroom and we were like what the. I went back to the car and I ate the sandwich and IT WAS THE BEST THING I had ever had. I kept talking about it and Rena and Jeff were like cracking up and kept saying they could not believe I was drunk off of JAMESON which I had never had and now I was eating a roast beef sandwich. Ah. Silly times. Now what to do do about this situation of mine.....hmmmmmm