January 9th, 2012 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

Sometimes I feel like my past was one big hurdle and I got over it. I accomplished something by living through it and surviving. Living through it and learning from my mistakes. But I also feel like my past has damaged me so much. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes. I am kept up until the wee morning hours just thinking about things from my past. Things I wish I didn't do. Things I wish I could change. Going over scenarios in my head. Feeling worthless, guilty, depressed. I think about where it all has lead me. Yes I am happy, yes I am grateful for everything I now have. But I also think about what could have been. I guess the best part of my life is meeting Dave. I always say what could have been, but then I think about well if something else would have happened, I would have never met him.

Today would have been Josh's 24th birthday. I really think about how completely different all our lives would have been if he were still here. We would have all tried to go back to Bonita just so we could all graduate together. I probably would have applied to University of La Verne. I probably would have been a second grade teacher right now instead of behind a deli at Walmart getting burned and bitched at.

Or I think about what would have happened if I didn't start heavily drinking and doing drugs to drown out the pain. I wouldn't have been in a complete fog for years of my life. I wouldn't have made such an idiot out of myself. I wouldn't have had delusional thoughts about guys much older than myself. I wouldn't have slept with so many guys just to feel "worthy".

I spent so much of my time fucking up. Why did it take me so long to come out of the fog? I always thought I was smarter than that. I guess what is really was, was I didn't value my life. I didn't give a fuck. I wanted to go wherever Josh was. Wherever my grandparents were. Wherever Chrissy was. Wherever Tim was. I just didn't want to be living anymore with all the pain.

The thing is, there is still a shit load of pain. And I really do not know if it will ever go away. Therapy doesn't work for me because it always starts in one place and ends up off the path. Like I can't be my real self around them. I don't know. It just doesn't work. Writing helps, but I've been doing it for years, the pain is still there. The thing is, I don't drown it out anymore with drugs or alcohol. Honestly 2011 was the first year I was actually sober. I drank in moderation and did not use one single drug, and it really is the first time I could say that since I started. It was a year of clarity and it really made me see who I was vs. who I really am. There are a lot of issues I can now clearly see that I really wasn't able to in the past. Things I was hiding, things I was drowning out. Issues that have made me become so emotional when mixed with alcohol. But I also understand that these issues have nothing to do with my present, and I have to just hope they don't resurface in my future and I can live a happier life knowing these issues just do not matter anymore.