tainted control in 2017

Sept 15, 2017
9:47pm

Sometimes I feel like I lie in here. “Lie” as in, don’t tell the truth.

One of my very last lines in the previous entry was about how at least I had more control over how I reacted to the TF situation this time around....and then I spent the last two days in this depressed state of mind. =\

I didn’t mean for it to work out that way. Really! I don’t even know what happened. I was fine one minute and then I was feeling the way I felt six months ago and unable to get out. I was falling down that terrible hole while clawing at the dirt and nothing was slowing me down.

I don’t like that feeling. [Does anyone!?] I strongly despise that feeling. I never imagined that I would feel it again and I certainly never imagined this year to be so full of it.

This was supposed to be a good year. I was finally happy and in a place/mindset that I could enjoy. My confidence was suddenly insanely high. I felt beautiful and wonderful and everything was so grand. I was supposed to be able to enjoy that. To relish in every moment.

But every thing is tainted now. The things that would have made for good jokes, funny moments, or cool stories [ie: being proposed to, having survey results that say I’m pretty, all other things that boosted my confidence, etc] are tainted by this awful feeling of depression. I feel like all I’m going to remember about this year is how sad I was. How bad I felt. How terrible life seemed. And that makes me so sad. That is not how I want to see this year that was supposed to be so special.

I’ve been thinking things over today, about this recent TF contact, and I think I know what happened. I think I know why I suddenly felt all that depression all over again. Besides the fact that his contact was completely out of nowhere and unexpected. Not hearing from him again after the “hey” email and the unexplained phone calls at work only served to leave me with two things: my curiosity and my impatience. Probably two of my biggest flaws.

And that’s what crushed me all over again. I was stuck not knowing. I was stuck with a contact that lead to nothing but more questions instead of answers.

My annoying mind started doing stupid silly things to mess with me. I started to picture him sitting there staring at his phone thinking, “Ha Ha. She responded to me and now she has to sit there wondering what I want! I still have control over her.”
That’s so freaken ridiculous though! He’s not like that. As bad as I felt like things turned out between us, I know he isn’t like that. There’s a perfectly good and honest reason why he reached out and it has nothing to do with holding me down and keeping control over me. There’s no way! He’s not that evil.

Welcome to my mind, though. My terrible torturous mind. -_-

I wrote this a couple days ago and clearly I’m not taking the time to finish it so I might as well post. Any other thoughts can find their way into a new entry.

rose.

Last updated September 18, 2017