So I'm the bad guy in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017
- Sept. 15, 2017, 8:08 p.m.
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- Public
More tales of drama and amazement from the Domestic Life of a Suburban Nightmare.
Came home from a long day of work. It was fun, though, because in the middle of the day I got to have lunch with my brother. He bought us a salty/spicy Indian snack that he knew Wife would enjoy as she is always in love with her Wasabi Peanuts.
I get home and show her… and she says, “Why would I ever eat Ramen?” I smiled and said, “No, honey, it is like a snack. Like nuts.” “I know that,” she said flatly, “It was a joke.” So… in a relatively good mood, I ask her how her therapy went.
“I don’t think I’m going to see him much anymore.” It took all of my willpower to not scream at her at that exact instant. She has seen this guy all of twice. TWICE and has decided that she doesn’t want to do it anymore. But, I kept my composure, trying to stay in my happy place.
“Why do you say that? What happened today?” She explains that he instantly started in about work. “Yeah. You mention how much you hate your job to everybody. You’re like… obsessed with it. I’m not surprised he started there.” But, no… I’m not listening to her. The problem is, he ended the session by giving her homework to “Research jobs online.” Yeah… I think that is actually a good idea. HERE’S THE THING… she is upset that he isn’t doing more about her depression and her over-thinking, her over-analyzing, that he isn’t giving her the tools to lead a healthier lifestyle, etcetera. I tried to explain how he isn’t a mind reader. She has to communicate her needs. Then things got explosive. And I stood my ground. Again.
She went straight for the “I can’t believe you still don’t know me after all this time. I can’t just turn my brain off. I can’t just research jobs online.” And I started yelling. Because I do know her after all this time. Because EVERY time she starts to get any kind of help… she immediately has to explain why it won’t work, it won’t help her, she should just quit. And I yelled, “This is time to shit or get off the pot. Nobody else is going to live your life for you. If I love you, I want to see you not destroy yourself. So this is how it is going to be from now on. If you want to stay depressed, and hateful, and negative… if you want to complain how Wal Mart is destroying you and never do anything about it… I’m going to act like this. Because I’m sick of it. And it is bullshit. You don’t get to hate your life forever. You’re the only one who can change it; and if you aren’t going to live your life, don’t be surprised if other people don’t want to share that life with you.”
She started crying. Said that I don’t understand her at all. Grabbed a box of recyclables and left the house. Got into her car. Drove off. About ten minutes later, came back. Not crying. Furious. Throwing the box into the house. Stomping around the house. Of course, not saying anything. Silent Treatment still her go-to.
Seriously? I mean… BIG NEON FUCKING SIGN… it is YOUR life lady. If you don’t like it, work on it. If you have trouble, ask for help. If you ask for help, TAKE THE HELP. If you just want to be miserable all the time and hate yourself and everything about your life… you don’t get to act surprised when you die alone.
Deleted user ⋅ September 16, 2017
Stand firm.
Deleted user ⋅ September 16, 2017
Good for you for saying your piece and standing your ground! I know it isn't always easy to do.
Amaryllis ⋅ September 16, 2017
"I can't just look for jobs online." ???????????? I don't get it. If you don't like your job, get a new one? I really can't understand where she's coming from here. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this :(
Always Laughing ⋅ September 16, 2017
Tough love keep it up
ODSago ⋅ September 16, 2017
Oh...there's something I can offer. When I gave workshops and men joined they were often engaged in pointing out how incorrect my suggestions were for them. I read that a famous therapist used to say to his patients...I want you to pretend that you believe me and promise that you will continue to pretend to believe me while in therapy and will live as if I were right. So, I asked men who challenged my demands...Can you try this? Pretend you think I am right...and live that way for the 14 weeks of this workshop, as if I were correct? They did and ...not one ever in an exit conference neglected to say they were grateful and that I'd been right all along.
ODSago ⋅ September 16, 2017
Ask her to pretend she believes the homework is correct and see how that goes.
Nash ⋅ September 16, 2017
Full sail and damn the torpedoes.
Deleted user ⋅ September 16, 2017
You hit the nail on the head with everything you told her. Most of us are guilty of complaining about things and never really doing much to change the situation. I think some people just like to wallow in their own misery. Maybe play the victim card. But if her job is destroying her this badly, I hope she can find the courage to find a new place to work! I couldn't imagine feeling the way she does every single day.
Tempestuous1 ⋅ September 16, 2017
Therapists aren't going to mysteriously cure all that which ails a person, which you obviously know...too bad she doesn't. Well she probably does, but just doesn't want to exert the effort because she's grown conformable with her own misery.
Skikkles911 ⋅ September 18, 2017
She needed to her the harsh truth and she needs to keep hearing it until it finally sinks in. How can you be happy with her if she's miserable all the time? She doesn't want to work on her happiness, why should you put up with that?