A love I thought would never be a part of my life again came back to Washington on leave. He actually contacted me and wanted to meet up. The last time I saw him was in December and it was definitely on bad terms. I was fucked up by the whole situation and drinking heavily at the time. He was on all sorts of pills. Basically I decided that night I -had- to get over him for good and move on with my life.
And I did.
We are still connected through FB, so obviously we know what has been going on in each other's lives. He is currently stationed on the other side of the country so it isn't like we'd ever run into each other. But him contacting me when he got here was quite the surprise. We had a lot of shit to sort out between us, things I just naturally buried and didn't think would ever find any sort of closure. But here he was texting me almost a year later with hope of mending things between us. What really made my heart sink was when he told me there would always be a place in his heart for me. Something I -never- thought I'd hear from him.
Time was running out, he only had a few more days until he had to go back and I only had a few days off of work. Our first try at hanging out didn't work, but somehow we managed to have a secret rendezvous in Seattle on Tuesday night. And luckily for me, I just happened to have Tuesday and Wednesday off.
Of course I had to make up a lie as to why I was leaving and wouldn't be home until the next day, but somehow it all worked out. Of course I felt guilty lying to my fiance, but he would never in a million years understand why I needed to go meet up with an ex of mine. Hanging out with him immediately brought back old feelings between the both of us. He was the same guy I fell in love with, the guy I just really thought was dead and gone. It felt really great to know he is doing so much better mentally and that he is really his old self again. I could not believe how sweet he was being the whole time, it really made me miss "us". I have been so used to nothing but horrible shit between the two of us, really believing that was how things were just going to be. And now, a second chance at a friendship with a guy I'll always know as my first love.
I couldn't believe he was admitting to having feelings for me still. For being in love with me. Telling me I shouldn't get married, even though HE was the one who told me to move on and find someone else. Any girl in my position would be feeling butterflies and thinking the what if's. . .but I also know whatever is between him and I is only a dream. It's just always been. We've had this weird connection and have only been able to meet up with each other a couple times each year -if that- since we've always lived so far apart. So I am just going to leave it at that. I no longer am the girl that dwells about wishing I could just be with him, because I now know it is impossible. We tried a long-distance and it was horrible. Now I am getting married to a man who is amazing, sweet, and knows how to take care of me and handle my moodswings. I'm marrying a man for realistic purposes and I'm done fantasizing about the impossibility of my ex and I ever being together. But I also know there will always be something in my heart for him, some weird fantasy that won't go away and something that I can only experience one or two days out of the year. And it is also something I don't want to let go of, as selfish as that sounds. I know we will meet up again when the time comes and it will be like living in a dream world once more.
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