Hi back in 2017

9:42pm

I feel like I’m probably giving this way too much attention, but oh well. Y’all know I love to document everything. I always talk about how helpful it is in the future. Some times I forget the way things go down. Some times I blur out all the negative stuff and focus only on the good. I like remembering where my head’s at when it’s actually on straight.

So, I responded to TF about an hour ago. Of course I’ve had my gmail open off and on again in the background. If I remember correctly, he was never very good at responding to emails and especially not if he’s working a ton of hours and it’s after 8pm.

All I ended up saying was, “Hi TF”. That’s it. I mean, it’s not like he asked anything. I’m not going to push the conversation. The only reason I ended up responding [other than the potential guilt] is because I thought it might have something to do with work. Like maybe he finally wants to come into the office to get things done and he’s checking in to see where I’m at. Like whether or not we can be civil. I don’t know.

I actually just said something about this to mom a few minutes ago. I’d been trying to find a way to tell her [I know we’re weird for sharing everything haha] all day long but didn’t know how to bring it up. I didn’t tell her much after it ended. A couple comments here and there, but no details.

I was going to show her some thing on fb and I said, “guess who sent me an email?” and she hesitated and then goes, “The Sheriff!” =( Aww, I wish.
Me: It was Mr. TF
Her: What?!
M: Yup
H: To you, you?
M: Yeah, it was to my personal email
H: What did he say?
M: It just said Hi
H: Oh
M: Maybe he wants to come into the office and wants to make sure I’m not like going to murder him or something....
And she acted like it was really weird, which it is, and we basically stopped talking about it after that. I made another comment about how too bad it wasn’t the Sheriff and then I made a drink and started typing this.

I don’t want him to think things are going to be weird between us because they’re not. It is what it is. It happened. I’m moving on. I’m healing and doing better every day. A lot of where I ended up at was my fault. So it’s ok if he wants to come in. We can see each other and be polite and it’ll all be fine.

Honestly though I have no idea what the contact is about. I’m just guessing here because that seems to be the one thing that makes the most sense. Maybe he’s reminiscing? It’s been almost six months since we’ve spoken. It’s almost a year to the day that we took things to a personal level. Who knows? Only time will tell.

I almost wrote him back this morning. I had this whole internal dialogue about it. I’d gotten up semi-early to paint and made it through a couple hours. After breakfast we were deciding what to do for the day and I kept saying that I wanted to go to the office to finish a test. Normally on Tuesdays we go out to eat and run errands somewhere so we were trying to figure out which direction to go. I mentioned that I could probably re-do that test real quick and then we could go.

You all know me though! When have I ever volunteered to go take a test?!? I didn’t give a damn about the test. I wanted an excuse to get on the computer so that I could write him back. Because I said that I wasn’t going to go out of my way to do it but if I was already on the computer then that was fair game. I mean, I was like 90% sure I’d have a new message from the client on there and if that were the only thing I would not have made a special point to go read it. It could wait until tonight [turns out he hadn’t responded, but did about a half hour after I got on tonight which was interesting. He almost always responds in the morning. Maybe he thinks I’m ignoring him on purpose? Whoops] and TF’s message could wait too.

Why should I still be making all these special concessions for him? I thought back on it and from the moment we started texting/emailing I’m not sure I’d ever really gone 24 hours in between replies. Definitely not when things were good. Which makes me cringe because damn I was hooked. But also, today I kinda had that feeling like I hoped he was checking his phone periodically wondering why I wasn’t replying. I know that’s petty but I can’t help it. I want him to feel a little of what I felt, or at least wonder what I might be thinking. I liked the thought that maybe he was curious about what I was going to do or if I was going to answer. Sorry, I can’t help it!

We’ll see what happens tomorrow. I won’t get caught up in this again. I can’t. That would be a stupid idea.

I have things I want to say about this that relates to: how it’s made me feel inside so far, how it relates to my feelings about the sheriff, how different it is from what I thought it would be, etc. I want to put more thought into it though. I want to concentrate on it and put the right words down. I’m too tired to deal right now.

rose.
10:20pm