borderline in 2017

3:03pm

Does anyone actually feel like that was sixteen years ago? I certainly don’t. I can still so clearly picture the entire morning unfolding before my eyes. Watching that plane. Seeing those fires. Collecting every newspaper clipping I could find in the days and weeks following that awful tragedy.

I still have them. In a binder/scrapbook thing just waiting to be organized into something that makes sense. I’d forgotten about that until right this minute. Hmm…I should probably actually sit down and put it together. That would be such a nice, if completely sad, thing to be able to show others and/or look back on someday. I mean, I have the memories but it’s interesting to be this far removed from it now.

We’ll see. I’m not very good at sitting down and getting things done.

For example: right now I should be working on getting through another class to collect hours to renew my license. It has to be done before the end of October. It would be better to get it over with before the end of this month but I can’t seem to convince myself to sit still that long. I just contemplate opening the class and I get bored. I was never good at the school thing. I mean, I was good. I did exceptionally well [especially in college toots horn] but I didn’t really enjoy sitting in the classes or being tested on my knowledge. I know what I’m talking about! I shouldn’t have to prove it to you! hah. Life totally works that way doesn’t it?

I was going to say something about how I’m a terrible person for not just doing what I’m supposed to be doing, but nah. I pretty much already acknowledge and freely admit that fact on a daily basis. Everyone knows. ;)

Did I talk about the doctor stuff? When was the last time I wrote an entry?? I haven’t had internet access at home since Friday so the last time I was online was early Friday afternoon while I was here at the office. We’d come in a little before 9:30am for a couple back-to-back online meetings. It was mostly stuff I already knew so I just sat around half listening. At least we participated though. That’s what counts.

Anyway, no internet at home so it feels like I haven’t been on a computer in ages. Three days isn’t that bad. Honestly, I didn’t miss it much. It sucked only because of the habit of jumping on the computer at home while I watch tv or something. I like to multi-task. Other than that though? I didn’t really have any desire to check anything. There’s almost never anything particularly good or time sensitive. So whatever.

I was about to jump into a whole thing about the Sheriff but let me get to the doctor stuff first. My last entry was Wednesday so clearly I didn’t mention what happened at the doc on Thursday. ha.

First things first: she walked in with my lab results and asked if I’d picked up my prescription for the BP meds. I said yes and she asked if I took them. Yes, of course. Then she goes, “well, it’s basically like we didn’t touch you at all.” Hmm, yeah, I figured. =| I’d checked my BP a couple times at home and there wasn’t much change. So she’s put me on a new combo med instead of just the diuretic. The good thing about this doc is that she likes to start you off on the low end and increase until it’s enough, instead of just shoving drugs down your throat, which is good. My at home readings over the last month [on either med] are showing improvement in systolic pressure [top number] but I’m still in the 90s on the bottom. I spent about 20 minutes just now researching what that could mean but can’t seem to find anything. Apparently not a lot of people only deal with the bottom number being high. Boy, I just love being a mystery, don’t I? =\

Other results:
- Iron levels are borderline. I might add a daily vitamin in to supplement. Learning from past experience, I’m almost guaranteed to become anemic again in the next year or two.
- All other test results were great. I need to drink more water.
- Oh, except cholesterol is close to borderline. She told me to watch my egg intake and I laughed in her face explaining that I have eggs for breakfast every morning [except maybe twice a month]. She said no yolks then and I laughed again that that was the best part. Not happening lady. Sorry.
- Kidneys are fine but she’s going to set me up with an ultrasound to make sure they have nothing to do with my BP. Apparently I’m too young to have these numbers and she wants to make sure there’s nothing else besides genetics causing it.
- I also had a chest x-ray that day. I’m interested to see what that looked like. I’ve basically had every part of my body scanned except the chest. My curiosity is peaked!
-My favorite part was when she went over my liver numbers and said things looked “fantastic” and that I needed to do exactly what I’ve been doing and continue to keep things exactly this way. Oh the giggles I got in my head! If only this lady knew how much alcohol I drink. Way more than the average female, that’s for sure. But ok, whatever you say. Doctors orders shall be followed! =]

So I’ll get the ultrasound here in the next few days and see her again in a month. We’ll test these new meds and hope for something good. I’m guessing I’ll continue on some pill or other for the rest of my life. Joy. I also got her to fix the prescription for my skin and I’m already seeing improvement. I hope that one at least stays that way. Updates to follow next month.

Back to speaking of hardly ever finding anything important online - a.k.a. The Sheriff:
I’m going to type this up just to have some sort of record of where I was at. It’s always nice to have something to look back on. These entries are very helpful to future me.

I don’t think I actually know where I’m at though....other than like being confused and impatient about the whole thing. haha. Typical. Story of my life…

I guess I was a little more excited about the possibility of hanging out with him again [or seeing him again since we haven’t actually hung out] than I was willing to admit and now I’m a little more bummed out than I’d like to be. I don’t know. It’s silly really. I should be able to be like, “hey rose! clearly it’s his loss. You’re amazing and you know it. Boys are stupid. You don’t want a guy that can’t follow through. If he’s not coming back he’s just not that into you…”
But the reality is that I’m sitting around wondering what the heck is wrong with me?! We have such good rapport; why isn’t he calling? Did I do something wrong? It’s pity party time every day. I’m sad. This sucks. Life’s too boring to have anything else of interest going on. I don’t have any other distraction. I need distractions! ugh

And I go through this constant back and forth: 1) I want to see him again. I’m going to be so excited/happy if he ever does come back around. I can’t wait for the day! 2) This is stupid. When I see him again I’m not even going to try to joke around. I’m going to be cold and uninterested and push him away when he tries to flirt with me.

The truth is that I could never be cold and uninterested and I know it. The guy could come back 10 years from now and I’d probably get all giddy cute and tease him and flirt and give him a hard time for abandoning me but still jump at the chance to grab a drink with him.

I’m so pitiful. =\

When I ask for a sign and I get zero response in return, I’m gonna go ahead and accept that as an actual sign to move on. I’m just tired of talking about the same stuff over and over. It’s not like I’m getting anywhere or anything has changed even remotely over the last several weeks. Isn’t this the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over again and expecting different results. I’m getting no where. My rambles are pointless.

Also, I just spent a lot of hours finishing that damn class, followed by at least an hour working on the test, and I got an error when I went to submit and it’s completely gone.

Now I’m sad, depressed, and angry.

Excuse me, Universe? Do you mind letting me catch a break. Ok. Thanks. Bye.

rose.
6:45pm

Last updated September 11, 2017