haven't lost all hope yet in 2017

3:17pm

I totally just started writing “August” as the date. Slow down Universe! I haven’t caught up yet!

This off-season has been weird for me. The fact that it’s going by quickly is nothing new, but it feels different. Just a lot of stuff going on, mostly in my head, I guess.

I was thinking about it this morning. I sat outside in the courtyard sipping on my coffee and contemplating as I usually do. I took the morning off from painting since I knew I’d have to get ready relatively early for work today. It was so nice out there. Feeling the cool breeze that has finally decided to return after far too many days in the triple digits [I can’t remember the last time it was this hot or that we’ve had so many heat waves!]. As I sat there I had this thought about how this year has definitely turned into a transition year for me. I really didn’t expect that at all for this year. It felt more like a year that would be a continuation from the last one. Nothing too crazy or different. So all this transition was unexpected, but I guess welcome? I don’t know.

There’s been a lot of emotional stuff. Too much if you ask me. But I guess it’s just something you have to go through every now and then.

Man, if you’d asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be today or what I thought I’d experience over the next year it wouldn’t have even come close to what actually went down. I never could have predicted what I was about to live through or how my feelings about myself and others would change so drastically. Not in a million years.

Mostly it’s been good. I like the new me. I like the confidence I’ve gained in my appearance and abilities. I like that I’ve become so much more outgoing. That I can make stupid jokes with the waiter or say something interesting in a checkout line. I’ve gotta admit though, there are some days when I kinda wish I was still invisible. Isn’t that crazy? I’m sure I complained about it all the time. No one pays attention to me. Nobody notices me. But you don’t know what you have until it’s gone right?

It’s hard being noticed all the time. I know this is going to sound like the stupidest thing to complain about but I find it hard to deal sometimes. I’m just not good with attention, especially of the male variety. I get all overwhelmed and don’t know what to say and my anxiety is on edge.

There are a lot of thoughts I’ve had about this subject but it’s now almost 10 o’clock at night and my motivation to write is fading. There’s so much to say.

Honestly though I don’t even think it’s the attention that bothers me; it’s the false attention. We all love to be flattered and flirted with. It’s the disingenuous and insincere bs that people go on about that bothers me. I can’t seem to find anyone that says what they mean and means what they say. It’s not that hard. Like I would never say “hey this was great! we should hang out again” if I didn’t mean a word of it. That seems so ridiculous. Why lie? What good comes from it?

Clearly I’m still dealing with being stood up multiple times and the general lack of follow through by any man in the last year. I’ll get over it. Eventually.

Don’t even ask me what the hell I was going on about in my last entry either. I don’t even want TF! damnit. I’m just still so hooked on the idea of us. Not even the real us. The real us sucked. I’ll say it over and over again. But damn that fantasy illusion I had of us was oh so beautiful. We were going to be the power couple to rule the world. Or something.

It’s why I kept going back. It’s hard to forget that first taste. It’s like having that first absolutely amazing bite of cheesecake and then trying to pretend you never had it. Try not missing it. Try not building it up in your mind as the best thing you’ve ever had in your life.

It doesn’t work. Trust me. It’s enough to make you crazy.

Yesterday we’d gone into the office to do some random things before we left town [and to meet JR] and I ended up reading an old email exchange between the two of us. It was from February and I was saying all this shit about how he only wanted one thing and we’d talked about him looking for a piece of ass at the beginning and how he should look a lot further. I told him it made me feel cheap and I was tired of playing the game.

Then, being the idiot that I am, I saw him a couple weeks later and I fell right back into it. Dang. I mean the chemistry was just so freaken intense between us. There was just such amazing attraction and spark and I wanted all of it. Right now!

But I also wanted everything else as well. All the things I’ve always wanted. I wanted his attention. I wanted his time. I wanted to feel like he gave a damn about me for more than just the one obvious reason. And he never did. But every time I saw him I fell all over it again. Staring into those bright eyes in his cute little round face. I wanted to smother him with my love. That was my fault. Going back to him every time. I knew it wasn’t working. I knew we were reading opposite ends of the book. I couldn’t help myself though.

In the end, I’m glad I found a way to walk away. I’m so glad I found a way to break that cycle of hopping on and off that terrible roller coaster. We could have spun in those damn circles forever.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the Sheriff a lot lately. Also my own fault. I should learn not to overthink these things, but ha! good luck with that. He just kinda fell into this category with all the other guys that didn’t follow through. I know it has to be for a reason, but some days I can’t convince myself of this. I guess I never thought he was going to come back. I never thought I’d see him again even though I had hope that I would. Then he was right there again out of nowhere. And I do truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I can always see these things in hindsight.

I’d like to have a chance to get to know him is all. That’s it. Not a big deal. I want to know what he’s like outside of the office. I want to sit and have a conversation with him that doesn’t involve work. Because without this conversation I have no idea what he’s really like. I’ve only ever seen him at work. I’ve only ever interacted with him with other people around.

For all I know he could be one of those people that likes to constantly rant and rave about politics. He’s for sure a republican. All the rednecks are! And I’m not a democrat but I sure as hell did not vote for Trump. We could be complete opposites. We could hate each other’s company.

But without the chance to sit and get to know him, I don’t know anything. Not knowing anything keeps the hope alive.

At this point I’d rather just know whether or not to let it die. Don’t drag it out any longer. I just want to know.

It shouldn’t be that hard, right?

rose.
10:45pm