The conversation in Stuff

I know it’s probably a super obvious observation, but with three teenagers now I am really starting to be hyper-aware of how much they grow and mature at their own rates. I think I made the mistake of believing the other two would follow a similar pattern as the oldest.

When my oldest was 14 nearly 15, she had her first serious boyfriend. They were very openly affectionate with one another and after a few weeks of witnessing it, it dawned on me suddenly that they were likely having sex. We found ourselves alone in a car together one afternoon so I said to her that I wanted her to be comfortable with the idea of having sex at home in her bedroom without feeling the need to be sneaky about it.

She responded exactly as you’d expect, embarrassed and awkward. I went on to tell her that my whole point was to NOT have her feel that way. We ended up having a very open conversation about sex, emphasizing that it’s not dirty or naughty and that she shouldn’t feel like she’s doing anything wrong by wanting to have it.

It took some convincing, and fortunately we were on a long drive and had some time, but I think she eventually came around to being more comfortable with it. She at one point made a comment about not wanting to have sex in her room because she figured everyone would hear her and I responded that no one ever hears when I’m having sex.

This opened up a whole new part of the conversation. Yes, I too have sex. And yes, if I’m telling you it’s nothing to be ashamed of, I can’t then act like my own sex life is a dirty secret. So we talked about that. We talked about various people she has known in my life with whom I’ve had sex and I felt like this openness really helped her realize how serious I was about it not being something that needs to be hidden from the world.

Having this kind of successful conversation with her which really resulted in a new level of bonding between us, lead me to mentally schedule these same conversations with the other two kids when there were about the same age.

So my son is the middle child. He’s currently 15, nearing 16, probably a full year older than his older sister was when we had the conversation. Sex seems relatively far from his mind. He’s never shown much interest in girls or boys. He not what I would call feminine (regardless of the panties that I wrote about in the previous entry) although he’s certainly not a very masculine kid either. In some ways I think he’s still figuring it all out. And that, of course, is just fine.

But for me to talk to him about feeling comfortable about sex just seems like I’m jumping ahead several chapters in his story. When the day comes, we’ll talk about it. And I’m just presuming I’ll know when that is when it happens.

The youngest is a month shy of turning 15. She’s the athlete and social butterfly of the family. She’s the one always the the group of friends that never wants to leave her side and now just recently a boyfriend that seems cutely devoted to her.

After a day together on the beach, yesterday she asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night. I said, “You mean in your room with you?”

Her response, “Mom, of course in my room with me.”

“Are his parents OK with that?”

“Probably not,” she said, and then added like it was nothing, “I doubt they know we’re having sex.”

OK then. I guess it’s time for the conversation. I never thought she would be the one to bring it up first. But it went very well. I’m almost concerned by how open she was willing to be with me, but wasn’t that my goal in the first place?