So on Tuesday we were supposed to go to a dinner at someone’s house with my aunt [It was her birthday] but that was cancelled the day before. Which is totally fine because I was trying to find a way to get out of it. We decided instead to take an impromptu trip to margaritas on the beach. Even though we’d been to that same town on Sunday, and I’d also gone there on Saturday. You can’t say we don’t travel around. haha.
Anyway, my point of telling this story is that on the way out there we passed a guy on a motorcycle without a helmet. I couldn’t remember if CA was the state that did or didn’t require them by law. And our new thing is to “call” the Sheriff [or “el guerito” as she’s still calling him] to ask him any law questions. Like we pretend dial and the whole deal. Clearly we’re grown adults. =P
We got to talking about him and she said something about wondering whether or not he was dating someone. Like if he had someone back in the valley he was seeing. Of course she remembers that one mention I made of how he seemed to hesitate to say that he was staying at a female friend’s house during his surgery recovery. I can’t even say for sure if that’s what was going on. I heard what I heard, but I have no proof of anything. It’s easy to hear incorrectly.
So we were talking about this, and how we weren’t supposed to know anything, and about him coming back next year, etc.
I started to say something and I hear myself go: ”When I married....uhhh....when..” and I stumbled because I heard it coming out of my mouth and couldn’t correct myself fast enough. Then of course I couldn’t get the right words to come out quickly enough either so Mom caught on and goes, “when you married him!?!?!” and bursts into laughter!
I was like, “uh…when I..uh..damn it! No. When I…I met him he was in the middle of a divorce.” But I was still seriously stuttering and stumbling over my words and it didn’t come out clearly. It was too many damn M words - met/married/middle. It’s an easy mix up, ok. OK! Dang.... =]
I’m such a dope. Serious Freudian Slip right there. -_-
Then Wednesday came along and I don’t even remember what I was doing but I suddenly felt like maybe I was more open to the idea of him. It was a weird feeling. Almost indescribable. But like there was a feeling inside of me that hadn’t been there before.
Yes, I’m interested. I’ve been interested since we met last year, but like I’ve said before “out of sight; out of mind”. Up until like the last couple of months where I haven’t really been able to stop thinking about him. I know that’s because I have nothing else going on though.
Last year I was so easily distracted by TF.
sidenote: can I just admit that it’s kinda hard posting new entries these days because they all link back to an entry from last year that inevitably mentions him. This was when things really started happening between us and I know those entries are going to get more frequent and more detailed. I’m not sure I really want to reminisce anymore. I don’t think it’s doing me any good.
Anyway, earlier this week - shoot! it was last week already! when did the weekend fly by? I’d been looking back on old entries about the Sheriff. Reading back on the things I mentioned last year when we met. I couldn’t really remember everything that was said or that happened. I guess I kinda just wanted to see where my head was at when it was going on.
I also wanted to look at what I said this year because I know I wrote about him but I don’t even remember what it was about. After he came in, and the season was over, things shifted into that terrible depression so quickly for me. Like one second I was fine and the next I was completely devastated. It’s so hard looking back at it too. Or thinking about how I felt several months ago. It doesn’t feel real at all. How the hell did I end up back there?! It just hit me, and I knew it was hitting me, and I was writing about it, but it didn’t feel real. Like I was on the outside looking in.
All I can say is Thank God I survived that. Clearly it was a lesson I needed to learn.
I started thinking about that too. The lessons I’ve learned over the years and especially in regards to the guys that have come into my life. The three most significant being: Ck, TF, and the Sheriff. The Sheriff being the only one I’m still not completely sure about.
It’s so weird to think about stuff, and write about it, because I feel like some hokey hippie that’s all about love and feelings and signs from the Universe. But you feel what you feel, right? =)
I knew what CK was right away. He showed up at the exact right moment. I seriously still remember him sitting in that chair in the middle desk, our first meeting, and I came around the corner from the back room and he gave me this look that I’ll never forget. It felt like the missing puzzle piece had suddenly been placed into the perfect spot in my life. I was in a really dark place when we met. Struggling so much with having moved home and not feeling at peace. And I can honestly say that had I not met him that day I’m almost positive I would still be in that place. I really turned my life around after that day and I pulled myself out of that hole and I’m a better person for it. It’s kinda why the depression hit me so hard this year, because I struggled so hard to get out of the darkness that I never even considered I’d go back there.
I always knew that CK wouldn’t be forever though. From the very beginning. I knew we weren’t meant for each other. Sure I got distracted, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company, and I got caught up in it enough to not want him to leave. But I always knew.
The Sheriff’s the reason I got over him. It’s in an entry [that I’m too lazy to figure out how to link] back there after we met. Those two hours with him were enough to convince me that I needed and wanted more. The way he acted. The words he said. I suddenly realized that there were better men out there.
Honestly, I thought that was the lesson I was supposed to receive from him. I thought that was it. That he was supposed to randomly walk into my office that day for the sole purpose of helping me get over and let go of Ck. He went back home, and things eventually picked up with TF, and I didn’t hear from him again.
The TF thing is clearly something I’m still processing. I’m only now starting to see the lessons so I won’t say much about it. I gained an immense confidence from him though. I will forever be grateful that I was able to see myself through his eyes. I also learned what I don’t want to do with someone. I hated the way I lost myself. I know what I want and what I deserve and I won’t settle. It’s not fair that someone would try to make me.
But the way things worked out this year. Looking back on those entries and noticing all the little moments that lead up to that random day in April when the Sheriff called out of the blue, they’re kind of crazy to see.
Things had just imploded with TF, after months of struggling and not wanting to let go. Then CK came back [after two years!] and I confirmed that there was nothing left there other than a potential friendship some day. I was okay. And I was dealing. I was moving on and letting go and finally remembering that everything works out for a reason.
And he called me the next day. And showed up a week later. We picked up exactly where we left off and it was so great.
But then we didn’t keep in touch. I left the ball in his court and he didn’t take it.
I thought maybe he was going to after this recent contact. I’m learning to wait patiently though. hah.
I’m realizing now that it was all for a reason. I couldn’t start things with him then. I was about to hit one of the roughest life patches I’ve had in years. I needed to go through those feelings and I needed to come out the other end of it. I had to learn what TF was supposed to mean to me and realize that he wasn’t supposed to be my forever. I had to accept that life doesn’t always work out the way I think it should but it does always work out in my best interest! I had to gain that confidence and learn what not to do in the future. I had to reach a place where I’m finally not feeling that intense connection at just the idea of TF. I have to let go and move on for real.
And I’m only now getting there. Just barely crossing those lines. I wasn’t ready for the Sheriff to become more in my life, even if I thought I was.
Still you never know. I have no idea what new lesson I’m supposed to receive from him. I’ll only find that out in the future. Maybe it’s not even him I’m being set up for. Maybe that won’t ever go beyond what it is now. Perhaps we’ll just be the kind of people that get together once a year and catch up. Eventually that’ll fade I’m sure. Honestly, at this point, I am really not sure I’ll hear from him before next April. It’ll come as a shocking surprise if I do.
[hah. the phone literally started ringing right as I typed that and I thought - if that’s the sheriff I’m going to die right here in this chair…thankfully it was not. haha]
sidenote: I’ve been thinking about the fact that he was supposed to come to town a couple weeks ago and I heard nothing. Part of me wants to believe he never came, but you know the cynic says he just didn’t reach out. heh. I’m trying to stick to the cautiously optimistic side! I don’t think I mentioned the fire? It was happening right around the time he was supposed to come at this lake where I’m pretty sure he said he works. I just saw on a map yesterday that that’s the only lake in the area so it has to be right. I can’t imagine they’d let him leave after a huge incident like that. Then they’re in the middle of their summer crazy and labor day’s coming up. Hunting season’s still got another month…we’ll see - look at me all trying to explain it away and stay excited/optimistic. ;]
I don’t know. Whatever happens, happens. I still feel that new openness inside of me. The timing suddenly feels and sounds right. It’s not up to me though. I’m leaving this one up to God and the Universe. They always steer me in the right direction. Always =)
rose.
1:19pm
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