9:27pm
I guess I’m going to work on keeping up my word count this year. Maybe I’ll set a new record? Probably not, but maybe. What am I even going on about anyway? None of it seems important at all. Mindless drivel, or something.
JR came by the office today. He’d called right after we got in at noon. I walked into the office to hear mom saying, “are you drunk?” and I responded asking what the heck she was talking about. I hadn’t really done anything weird yet. =] Then she goes, “you were speaking in Spanish” and I actually stopped to think about what I might have said because I didn’t remember speaking in Spanish. Sometimes I switch without thinking about it, but I was outside and didn’t say anything before I went out.
Well, she ended up telling me to pick up the line and JR was on the other end, except it cut out just after I picked up. ha. Of course. A few minutes later he called back and I answered. He goes, “geez, if you didn’t want to talk to me you could have just told your mom you didn’t want to talk. You didn’t have to hang up on me.” Or something along those lines. It was funny. I made a joke about how I didn’t know who it was and so I had to pick up but once I heard his voice I hung up. haha. We’re cool like that.
We had a couple phone calls, some of it work related, but some of it was him just wanting to talk. I could tell.
Later, before five, I called to ask if the information he’d gotten was the right stuff he needed. He was supposed to call me back and never did. But he must have been busy because he asked if I’d be there a while and said he’d be in soon.
He walked in about a half hour later seconds after I’d mentioned something about him to Mom. hah. He dropped some stuff off on my desk but I wasn’t working on his stuff so he walked to the waiting room. Mom talked to him a bit and I made more jokes. I asked why he didn’t bring the baby and he said he was going back into work. So he came by my desk and asked what else I needed from him. I got up to go check his files to see if there was anything I couldn’t remember.
As I was standing at the back table asking about the grape stuff he’d mentioned, he walked over and stood next to me. He’s always done that thing, right, where he gets too close to me. I know he wants to touch me. I can feel it. I can tell. Every now and then he’ll sit down at my desk and he’ll put his hands right next to mine at the mouse. Just close enough to not actually be touching me.
So today he was standing there and he pulled the paper out of my hand and I pulled it back. He moved in super close to me and kept reaching for the paper right where I was holding it. Getting as close as possible without touching me. He knows I don’t like to be touched. It’s always a joke between us. But when his hands were close, and his arm was next to mine, I suddenly found myself starting to lean into him. Wanting to be near him. Wanting to touch him and be touched. Just to feel some human contact. …
It was ever so subtle. Just for a second or two where our arms [or our hands?] were touching. Not a big deal. Nothing that meant anything or would really be noticeable to anyone else. And I caught myself really quickly and made sure I pulled away from it without leaning in.
It’s such a fine line. I know there’s an unspoken thing between us. It won’t ever, or can’t ever, happen. The guy just had a baby with his fiancee! I would never anyway, but damn. That moment. I was suddenly overwhelmed by my desire to feel someone touch me. It was like all those years that I spent waiting to find someone to share a human connection and contact with. I was always so starved for attention. I craved that touch so badly. I hate that I had that and I had to let it go.
Every day I still think about TF. Y’all know that right? That there hasn’t been a single day in like an entire year that I haven’t thought about him.
It’s a terrible thing to live with. It still hurts my heart.
He hasn’t gotten back in touch with us. I know for sure he should have gotten that letter that we had sent to him. He probably should have had it last week and he hasn’t called or come by at all. If I were him I’d probably want to just get this case over and done with so I didn’t have to deal anymore.
It makes me wonder though - is he avoiding me? Do you think he feels bad and can’t face me? Does he hate me? Is he mad at me instead of feeling guilty? What is possibly keeping him from just getting our work done? We both said we were able to be professional. That work was separate from our private lives. Why won’t he just take care of this and get it over with? It’s been five months.
I don’t even know anymore.
The client that found me on fb did not come by today. After I got home I poked around some more and apparently I’m able to read the message without the other person knowing. I don’t know? It could all be a fb scam. They’re a sketchy bunch. ha. But I read it and he said he tried to stop by the office to talk to me but we were closed until the season. He laughed and said that he was just saying hi.
Hmmm? Interesting. I thought for sure the rest of the message was going to say that he had a letter or a question, or something. But nope. Just saying hi? That makes this a little weird. There’s nothing there. There won’t be anything there. I don’t know what to do though. I’m leaning towards adding him and then blocking him from stuff he shouldn’t see [like all the pictures where I’m holding drinks. haha]. I don’t want to be rude and ignore it, and I don’t want things to be awkward. We will probably continue to work together. It’s just strange because we sit down and I know so much about these people that it feels like we’re all friends. We’ll see how it goes. I’m going with my life’s motto and avoiding for now. I’ll deal tomorrow.
[Mom literally just said that I needed to add him and make him my friend. haha. If I’m going to spend the rest of my life here I definitely should have some friends!]
I made it through the entire day without any word from the Sheriff. This was the main day I needed to make it through since it’s our only official work day. After this I’m basically done expecting anything. There was no sign of contact at all from him so he either did not come into town this week, or he hasn’t bothered to get in touch.
I hate to think that he would be here and not contact me at all. That doesn’t seem like him. It certainly does not match the words that he used during our phone call. I don’t want to believe that he could be so inauthentic. He doesn’t seem like the type, but I don’t know him that well.
There was a fire going on out where he lives this last week. It might even by right in the area where he works, but I’m not entirely sure. So that could be a reason for him not coming out here this week. I’m sure they’re going to want to keep him around if that’s still going on.
I guess on the bright side any contact after this will come as a surprise. I’m definitely not expecting anything any more. The days have passed and I have other things going on. Whatever. I’m done guessing what people may or may not do.
My elbow’s still bothering me, which honestly worries me because it’s never felt this way before, but it’s back to painting tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to getting up early. Mornings and I do not get along.
rose.
11:19pm
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