I hope you find your peace in The First Life

Today, I forgave myself for something I was regretting.
I painted watercolor for the first time, spoke to a boy I still love, found the art suffering deep in my soul. I bled out in galaxy colors, on paper with pen and ink.
I sang songs with the windows open and no distraction. I found the pain at the bottom of my heart and let it have light.
I feel stupid full of love. Maybe it’s the alcohol…but I don’t think so this time, though.
The words are pouring from me. Like I took the piece that kept me from feeling and emoting and put it down, sealing it in paper fibers and water.
I reminisced on a trip we took five years ago. I cried because I miss him. I secretly thanked a friend and someone I’ve become naked to, for giving me the courage to find this part of me again.
I don’t know if I’m hurting, or if I’m happy. I’ve been so lucky with all of the different wonderful souls I’ve crossed recently. Yet I still long for the same one.
A part of me smiled and laughed because I forgot life could feel like this. Then I bite my lip in pain because something is still missing, and somehow, each day that loss grows. Grows bigger, into this deep galactic hole that swallows my attention. Goodness.. I’d let that boy swallow me into his oblivion.
I felt his pain. My heart hurts to know he isn’t doing well. I want to heal him, but maybe I’m not the one..Besides....rescuing him was never the answer. Some day, he has to make the tough decision to rescue himself. He’s such a beautiful and bright person. He’s got a soul that radiates years and miles through. One that vibrates and pulses and feels like an electric shock. I miss that presence.
But finally. I am at peace with myself. My heart feels whole despite lacking one thing. My body feels present. My mind feels open and craving light and words and new names.

Last updated August 21, 2017