unoticably changed in Second 1st

Once upon a time I was a very shy and overlooked child. I was easily overlooked because I never tried to stand out. After all that would mean people would be giving me attention and noticing I’m nothing special. Not amazingly smart, not super funny, no great sense of style, noting to see on the surface, just nothing that made me stand apart from the other 70 or so kids in my class (yeah, even as small as it was, nothing). I gained weight early in life, stress eating, I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. Stress eating at 5? yes. The reasons for that are not for this entry, I’m sure I’ve put it in here somewhere but yes at 5. I was 180 when I graduated High School. I would love to be there again.... even close… and I thought I was fat then. People are mean I get it and that was a long time ago.... as are the reasons for starting a bad food relationship.

I recommit to weight loss every now and again because I get .. I don’t know.... excited about little success and reward myself.... then I’m rewarding myself for nothing and I’m fine until it’s pointed out. Like loose 10lbs and eats a dessert I shouldn’t.... and a trip to McDonald’s and then a Buffet.... and more desserts and suddenly I’m not doing anything anymore.... then I’ll got to my yearly and the damn doc will say something either direct or off handed.... doesn’t matter he’s the only one in the world that thinks it’s okay to say things like “just cut the crap”..... that doctor has been so stupid and it sucks..... let me tell you a story:

Last month, after vacation I had to go to my yearly. I drove down to Columbia (45mins away) because I’m not hunting another OBGYN only to hate them. I really like the way the doc in Columbia works. I ended up going down twice because they had moved.... and changed my appointment time without telling me about either. So when I found out where they were I was already 10 mins late for the appointment I had scheduled, they said I was an hour and a half late..... we got all that straight and they made a next day appointment. Went back and here is why I like this doc. I went in at 9:30, I was early and was there at 9:15. I was in the room within 10 mins. They laid out the robe and I changed, doc was there in like 5 mins. He had to flag down a nurse so he could get started. Went through the routine and was gone in less than 10. Again I changed and he was back in 5. I was back in my car and on my way by 9:50. NO LIE I was keeping an eye on time. Anyways.....I went in to be weighed, blood pressure and all that and gulp 308lb.

at work that weekend:
Billy was talking about some biggest loser show.... some you are a fat slob and we will make you healthy but you have to do everything we say deal. Anyways, he was telling me that him and his wife watch stuff like that all the time because it motivates her to lose.... cool. So he’s telling me about an episode and she says “This lady was 310lbs. and she was just huge”.......................... ...........................................................................................

and before that:
Destiny was checking out her freshly made wedding pictures on her Wii. I had made her a disc last year and she just couldn’t seem to get it to work (though we had no problems before I sent it). No problem, I made her an SD card so she could look at them on her Wii. She was checking them out while we were driving home from MI this year and said “I look so fat in those pictures” I replied “The I must look like a whale”. she just LOLed...... I love my wedding photos I look super cute in my own opinion .... yes big.... I’ve always been big.... Destiny looks … not skinny and that’s it… not big… not bloaty..... the weight she has gained is even it’s not all anywhere. Note here she’s been bony all our lives until a change in medication. She hardly had boobs till she had kids (A).

These things… these stupid things have hurt me.... they should not… all 3 made me cry.... SO.... there is yet another commitment. Another promise I so badly want to keep. Who’s going to hold me accountable. Rocky? lol. I give him an excuse and it’s okay this time but next time he will work around it.... but I will have another excuse… which will work that time.... sooooo no. Also, how can I ask him for help… he eats whatever I throw in front of him and when he makes his own choice it is never as good as the one I would make. Like....Wendy’s.... Salad for me Baconator meal for him, or something. He had been tall and skinny till I showed up.... not my horrible eating habits (noodles are quick and easy, snack items are always available) have made him not so skinny. He still weighs less tan me though so… whatever. He has never stuck to any kind of weight loss commitment and thinks I’m not doing anything if I’m not going to the gym. Fuck the gym I’m not parading my fat ass around so others can feel better about working out.

William, William.... we’ve been friends a good 4+ years. Before recent events and after we got back from vacation.... after the appointment.... after Billy’s unintended insult....William was talking to me about the why’s and not taking my bullshit. I got all they way down to the last of it.... and now.... he’s checking in. Did you walk today? Did you fix dinners for the weekend so you can avoid eating Ramen? .... Rocky got upset “why won’t you let me help?” I gave him the basics of the reasons above not only those but this simple fact. Once upon a time I was with a guy who constantly asked the same things William will ask me and I felt attacked every time. I felt like he doesn’t love me for who I am but who he wants me to be. I don’t want that from Rocky. I don’t think I could handle it (tearing up thinking about it).... Ultimately this is why I can’t have him asking if I walked today and what I planned on eating. This is fine from William because having friends who are fat is the same and having a friend who isn’t. I don’t see that as an issue in a friendship. Anyways..... it’s only been 2 weeks. I’ve only walked twice a week. I’ve walked 1 mile focusing on keeping my heart rate up .... 115-157 last time. (Weds.)

I weighed myself this morning (294) and am shocked a little..... I have not done much.... it hasn’t been life altering. Ok a couple small changes. It’s been great to pull out a microwave dish of precooked (cooked myself) chicken and broccoli and microwave it in less time than water boils. I want to do more. I want to prep a whole weeks worth of food and prepack servings so I don’t over eat (which I do a lot).

I ordered a couple books Thursday. I’m waiting for them....

I couldn’t walk this morning as it’s a rather rainy morning. I don’t want to put off walk#1 for the week because of it though.... so I looked up “easy dance exercise video” and attempted the first one that popped up. I should have looked for a better one because the dancers were apparently listening to a whole different song than was playing in the video or they both have Rocky’s beat detector.....I did a round of that but near the middle the beat issue was far more irritating that the benefit..... so, well at least I did something. Shower and here now.