Too Attached in The Rant Dump

Didn’t think I’d be this clingy. From the start, I was wary. Have always been. People are, generally, difficult to deal with. He said, let your guard down, I will do the same. Let’s be genuine in this relationship. Stop being conservative and reserved.

I did it, gradually. It felt scary, I have lost control, I am vulnerable. But it being done by two willing people created a warm connection. I didn’t notice that I was getting dependent on the connection. I was addicted to the connection. I sought for it even if I don’t show it. I am an idiot.

He hasn’t spoken much with me these past few days. He still does, but not like before. I had to ask myself, is there another? Am I just inadequate? Did I whine too much? Is my real self a deal breaker? What is he busy with? Is he okay? Is he doing this on purpose?

So many questions. The female mind is disgustingly tied to emotions. I can’t break out of this thought loop. I have resorted to speaking with another friend about random things just to distract myself. I told myself, keep your cool, don’t be clingy, you did your part. You don’t know what’s happening. When it comes to worst, be ready to let go.

Looking at it objectively, I am preparing myself to break up with the man I intended to marry someday just because he hasn’t spoken with me for a few hours. Very immature.

People tell me that I am quite mature. I always correct them, and they just won’t accept. But look at my trains of thought. I am open-minded, yes, but I have no true control over myself. I am an insanely jealous person. I jump to conclusions but I am fully aware of it, thus I am in control of my thoughts in a way. But that does not make me mature. I only have conscious control, but not over how I feel. I have not fully mastered myself. I have no inner peace, just quick fixes that my logic provides.

Even as I type all this, I still keep an eye on my inbox. It’s painful. This is painful. I am also being stubborn by refusing to talk.

I don’t like games. Is this a game? Am I playing the game by refusing to speak up?

I am thoroughly upset. I want to talk to somebody. But what will I say then? Ah, I remember my friends sharing their romantic woes with me and how I internally scoffed at their perceived suffering. That’s just stupid, I would think. So insignificant and childish, why can’t these people just grow up? I don’t think I’ll ever be in that kind of situation myself. Wow, I am so wrong.

I have just sighed deeply. Relieved my frustration in that split second, then cue the thoughts crashing back.

I’m angry now. Am I going through the stages of grieving? DABDA - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I find it funny that I can objectively see these things and use that information to analyze myself.

I was in denial at first. Maybe he just needs some time for himself. Maybe he’s doing more self-studying? This is all fine, let him be. But deep, well, deeper, inside, these weren’t the only thoughts I had. There came my insecurities whispering to me about a possible mistress. And my first thought was, oh, this is one disgusting situation I’m in. I have too much self respect that I never imagined myself to be in such a situation one day. I have thought adequately highly of myself, thought that if I would be with somebody, I would have chosen well and thus won’t be subject to such conditions. Maybe all men really are the same, huh.

And now, I’m at the second stage of grieving. Anger. What am I angry about? Am I angry at him? At myself? At the situation? Why?

Thinking back, I think I hit Bargaining a little while ago. If only I had kept my problems to myself and just remained cheerful, maybe this would not have happened. I need to watch my words and actions. I’ll do that next time.

Which is not good. This removes the genuine aspect of it all. I don’t want to hide what I really am just to keep a relationship. I’d much rather end it. The thought hurt my chest just now. It hurts, but I would still prefer it that way. I love myself enough to walk away from things that are not good for me.

As for Depression, I have always been depressed (of course, that’s not what the depression in DABDA means. It is a specific kind of depression related to the situation that the person is grieving about. Of course the reader knows this, but I actually am a closeted smartass who’s limited because of my inadequacy with sharing my thoughts. Rant, rant. I’m sorry, but this really helps me with feeling better).

My depression is slowly crawling back. I am fighting back by using distractions, and empowering myself. I can walk away from this relationship, and I will do so when I see it is the fitting solution. That way, I feel like I am in control, that I am free, and that my happiness can not be dictated by anybody else. And perhaps this is a preemptive feeling of Acceptance?
Acceptance of my possible loss?

Of course, I really don’t know what the situation is like because of the lack of communication, so I will remain open-minded. It hurts, but I will endure. And when a decision needs to be made, I will make it.

Have just read my entire entry from the beginning. I feel like I am able to finally sort out my thoughts. I feel more quiet now. Glad I have a way of dealing with this.