8:44pm
I don’t know why August always seems to sneak up on me. Out of nowhere it suddenly appears and reminds me that the year is almost over. August always feels like the turning point. The month where I start to realize that a lot of stuff needs to be done and I’m running out of time. The month when it hits me that I’ll be back at work full time soon and I panic a little on the inside. It’s always so hectic and I guess maybe it takes me all these months to recuperate [especially this year in particular] and then I realize how quickly it’s going to show up again.
I’m hoping to fit in some more fun before this year is up though. We just booked tickets this week to Cancun in a couple months! I’ve never been to Cancun, but my aunt from Mexico has been inviting us for a couple years now. She goes to celebrate her birthday but for some reason or other we haven’t been able to go. She called mom last week and said she was giving her plenty of heads up so we had to go this time. hah. I’m a little apprehensive [especially because right after we finished booking the tickets Weds I saw an article online about the crime wave in Cancun. heh] and I’ve never travelled internationally via airplane. What’s the whole customs process? I’m going to have to research and ask around. The unknown gives me anxiety.
I am excited to spend a few days in the sun and sand though! I love the beach. Being near the water is my favorite thing! So an entire vacation trip based on laying around on the beach and swimming? Yes, please! A thousand times yes! I’m just hoping that if they’re going to want to get crazy and go sightseeing or shopping or something I can find a way to convince myself it’s ok to stay on my own by that beautiful ocean. =)
Also, I may or may not have started searching for a new swimsuit. haha. So cliche! I don’t have like a traditional suit though. I mean it’s for the water but it’s a pair of shorts and a razorback tank and I’ve had it for.ever. I’d like something a little prettier. You know, with this new confidence [thank you TF!] I’ve started to look at clothes and how I dress myself in a whole new way. It’s probably time to start dressing like a grown woman instead of some awkward girl.
My only issue is that I’m still very modest. Especially compared to other girls my age. Up until this last year I had terrible self-esteem issues and that played a huge role in how I dressed myself. I’ve been trying to appreciate and accept [and show off] my figure more. It’s not that bad looking! ;) But finding a swimsuit is hard. I’m still looking for something shorts/razorback related or maybe a one piece with some shorts/skirt to go over. It’s not like I’ve suddenly started to think I have a model’s body. I still have insecurities and/or issues with skin that I’d like to keep covered. We’ll see. I have a couple of things saved from my research this morning.
I’ve actually been sitting on this couch for pretty much the entire day. =\ I did take a shower though! Hurrah small victories!
Oh sidenote: speaking of body issues and self-image. I made the mistake of weighing myself the other day and according to the scale [that I believe to be flawed!] I’m at my highest weight in documented history! Which I find crazy hard to believe because I’ve never felt so good about myself! I’ve never felt so proud and excited about how my own body looks! I look good! I feel good about it all!
But now there’s that lingering feeling that I need to lose weight. It’s been there a while, but last time I tried to lose I cut out a ton of stuff and never lost a pound. It didn’t make sense to not eat things and weigh exactly the same, so I ate everything again. Why give up delicious food? I know it’s just a number but I’d like it to be smaller. I know I’m not going to put much effort into this right now. Maybe little by little.
I did make a nice big batch of green tea today though. Sun brewed outside! I pretty much only drink coffee, water, and alcohol. I figure adding in some green tea around dinner time couldn’t hurt. Plus I’m passively trying to drink less alcohol since it’s probably doing nothing good for the scale number or my liver. It’s a habit I have at the end of the day though to watch tv and drink. I’m going to slowly try to replace that habit with a glass of ice cold green tea and see how it goes. Wish me luck! because I’ve already contemplated what it would taste like with vodka. haha!
In other trying to help myself news: I made a doctors appointment for the first time in like two years. Probably time to get a check-up. I know I had the anemia going on which mostly feels fixed with the prescription iron I took. I should get things looked at just to know though. After I lost my insurance I didn’t go back to the other guy and I never set up the new pcp stuff until like last week or so when I found out my old doc was on the list. The process was about a gazillion times easier than I thought it would be. Too bad I avoided it for so long. ha. Mom actually went in for blood tests on Weds and was able to get me an appointment the same day as hers next week. I was going to call that afternoon but she saved me a step.
And y’all wonder why I never leave home? She’s my freaken hero! =]
We’ll see how that goes. Mostly I hope she’ll give me a prescription for my head so I can clear that annoying stuff up. It’s gotten pretty bad and I need it to go away a.s.a.p. especially before Cancun!
I’m trying not to get too excited about the possibility of hanging out with the Sheriff later this month. I mean, I’m a realist and I know how these things go. I’ve learned the art of being stood up recently! But there’s that tiny part of me that wants to get excited about it. I want to take him at his word. I want to trust him until he gives me a reason not to. That’s how I’ve always been. I’ve just become all cynical and jaded in recent times and I don’t like that at all. I like the way I was before I felt what it was like to be hurt.
So I guess that means that I’m cautiously optimistic?
I hadn’t heard anything after I’d called and left that message on his surgery day. By Friday evening I couldn’t take it any more [thank you impatience....] so I emailed him saying I just wanted to make sure everything went ok at the hospital. I didn’t hear back after my voicemail so I was curious. I told him I wouldn’t give him a hard time about it since I was supposed to be nice. [Something we’d talked about on the phone] But I was having visions of kidneys being sold on the black market and thought I’d check in. Funny, right? Not too creepy or desperate. :)
The next afternoon he wrote back to say he was good. He was back to working swing shift [not sure what those hours are for his line of work]. He thanked me for checking in and told me to have a great weekend with a smiley face. Hmmm. I know he was replying from his phone so it was very quick. At least he got back to me! He knows better than to leave me hanging when it’s important. Good on him.
The same night, around 10 or so, I wrote back saying that thing about how I can’t be left alone too long with my overactive imagination and that I thought it was decided he was going to sit around to stay out of the courts [another joke from phone call]. Then I said, “p.s. I think you mislead me....” and went on to say that the 875 dollars the casino wanted to charge me for a room couldn’t possibly be the cheapest in the area. He’d sold it to me saying that I should look there for something cheaper outside of the touristy area. I’ve never even seen a room that expensive!! I told him I was in shock. That I knew he didn’t do my taxes but I’m not made of money and then said, “ok. that’s all. glad you’re well. enjoy swing shift.” and sent it.
Of course I haven’t heard anything back. I’m not surprised. I really have no idea what his work schedule’s like and he has a track record of being terrible at replying to my emails. ha. I thought he might have called Weds knowing I was at work but nope. Nothing.
Still cautiously optimistic though! =]
He was the one that brought it back up about drinks and/or shooting lessons. It was all his idea. He asked me if I remembered he’d offered. If he comes to town and doesn’t get in touch then fine. I can take a hint. But I’m holding out for now. That tiny bit of hope that always lingers in the back of my mind. The hope that he’ll come back. The hope that he’ll get in touch. The hope that he wants to get to know me just as much as I’d like to get to know him.
What else is there if there isn’t hope, huh?
I spent some time earlier looking at and researching some of the places he’d suggested I visit. Conclusion: I really want to go! He’s clearly some sort of foodie and all of the places he recommended sound fantastic! Except maybe the place he said needed a six month reservation. It’s one of those where the chef puts out a new menu every day and I read through one and no thanks. I don’t want to sound like I don’t have any class but I’m more a meat and potatoes kinda girl than escargot and caviar. And I’m way too cheap to pay hundreds of dollars for tiny plates of food. ha!
If it weren’t for the fact that he said he’d never been there, I’d be afraid he were that kind of guy. Plus he’s a super redneck, so no. He’s still ok in my book. ;) Did I tell y’all he said that? When he called at the office, during the first quick conversation before I had to take other calls, he asked if mom was asking if I was talking to that “redneck from the Valley”. haha! I found that to be so funny! I’ve never even called him a redneck to his face. And then a little later he made another comment about how she was going to say I was talking to the “guerito”. [a slang Spanish term for a white guy] I don’t remember exactly how he made these comments but he kept saying my mom was going to say these things. I told her about all this and she’s taken up calling him the “guerito” now. =\ He brought it upon himself!
I think he said she’d be happy about it too after the last remark. I double checked that he said she’d be happy I was talking to him and he said yeah. I don’t recall that going any further. It might have been around the time I had to hang up to call him back later.
Anyway, updates to follow at some point over the next few weeks, I’m sure. I’ll continue to keep the little bit of hope alive for now. I feel ok about that. Since I was up again last night from 4:37 until sometime around 7:30 I’m going to go ahead and get ready for bed.
rose.
11:10pm
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