sit next to me in formless

I keep having dreams where my bf won’t listen to me and I get angry
this probably directly relates to my life
I am a difficult person sometimes
when I struggle I tighten into a ball and I won’t let anyone in
I start to shut people out
I don’t even come here to talk about it most of the time.

It’s hard
I put others before myself but then when I stand up for myself everyone is taken aback

I am not conventional
I never have been
and I and still fighting everyone around me to just let me be

My best friend is not ok but we are so far away from each other mentally
We’ve been spending time with each other, getting lunch, day hiking, a couple hours here and there but always in the daylight
I knew she went out a lot, she works in the restaurant biz
I can’t usually since I have to get up a 4 am for work
but we both went out on a friday and she met up with us (bf me and his friend)
Guys she was high as kite and then I realized how she stays up til 4 am all the time.
I’ve known her my whole life and when she is doing a lot of mind altering things it means she isn’t ok.
but I don’t know how to say anything other than be safe without coming off as judging.
Drugs are whatever, I don’t care personally if it’s every once in a while, but when you start doing it all the time, when it’s not a party unless you have pills or an 8ball that’s a problem.
love and silene,
sayornis