the beautiful memory in 2017

5:47pm

At work again. hah.

I actually tend to be more productive here anyway, so I should probably come more often. Even if I’m just messing around catching up on entries and such. It doesn’t matter what’s getting done, as long as something gets done! :)

Our regular hours are on Wednesday, but I might end up ditching out early because K’s in town and wants to meet for dinner. We’re trying to set things up still but it looks like we’ll probably go to Y’s new house and have dinner with her and her husband there. Kill two birds with one stone since no one’s seen the new house yet! Still working out details but I’ll probably swing by and grab K and we’ll carpool and have some fun!

She’s moving to Austin so this will be the last time we hang out until she comes back into town. Maybe until the wedding next year. I’m going to remind her I’ve volunteered to scope out venues and try her cake options for her. =) Gotta help where I can!

Mom was just talking about TF a minute ago. Every time she brings him up I try hinting that she should call him to see what’s going on. But you know, I can’t actually say anything like that so I try to get her to come up with it as her own idea. Hasn’t worked yet, obviously! I’ll keep trying. It’s not like it wouldn’t be appropriate. It’s all work related and it has been several months since we’ve heard anything. It’s possible that he’s gotten letters that we didn’t get copies of. I mean, it’s a relatively low possibility but it’s still one nonetheless.

I know it’s silly. I’m just curious to know if he’d answer a call from our office. I’m curious to know if he’s alive. I’m curious as to how he’d act, or what he’d say, or what would happen if he called back and I answered. I hate the unknown.

I do know that I’ll see him again. I mean unless something totally wild and unexpected happens I’ll definitely see him again because of work. I just don’t know when. This summer? Not until next year? And I hate not knowing. It’s so hard to prepare for something like that. And I’m way too much of an introvert to not want to prepare. Yes, I realize things don’t always go as planned. It’s almost a given that things will not work out the way I work them up in my head, but I still need to plan. It’s just this crazy need to figure out every possible scenario I can imagine and then figure out how I’ll react to them. Don’t ask me why, but I do this for pretty much every unknown situation I’m going to be in. Helps ease the nerves, or something.

Anyway. I woke up this morning in such a good place. I just have this feeling inside of me that is so calm and relaxed. I can tell it’s different than the way I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks. Like I haven’t felt any of that depression again but I’m still thinking about him every day. I’m still craving his affection. I still have this desire to see, and talk, and be around him. Every little thing reminds me of him. From the couple holding hands in a movie to an advertisement for crab legs. And I haven’t been very strict with forcing myself to stop the thoughts. I give them power and I feed into them. There was just so much good to think about.
[Also the Sheriff has not written me back and therefore is serving very little purpose as a distraction. =| ]

At some point a few weeks ago I realized that I’d started to think about TF as a beautiful memory. Like eating calzones in Seattle and then driving around the water. Or floating in that pool in Texas with the big puffy clouds flying above you. Something you look back on fondly. I wasn’t having those debilitating thoughts that crushed me over and over again. [I know, I sound kind of dramatic, but you try controlling your heart! =P]
I’m definitely still having my ups and downs. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all but then there are moments where a thought will come up and it still stings like hell. I never knew a person could have such a lasting and profound effect on another human being. Not in this way at least.

I stupidly looked at fb yesterday. It felt like it had been so long [I’ve been gone in SD for work meetings since Wednesday] and of course it brought up all those feelings. I still can’t wrap my mind around what happened.
After looking at all that though I had several moments where I would stop and just ask - ok..beg - the world to help me get over this. It happened throughout the day. I had this need to reach out to the world, to God, to say that I was ready and I needed to be able to move on from this. I don’t want to forget it happened, but I want to move on. I even remember lying in bed staring up at the ceiling and I said I wanted to forget it all and let go, but then I corrected myself. I don’t want to forget it all. I don’t want to completely let go of everything that I learned, or that I felt, or that we had. I just want to be able to move forward. To learn from this, take whatever lessons I was supposed to gain, and not continue to drive myself crazy over it. I want to accept that it happened just like everything else in my life, even if it didn’t quite feel like anything else I’ve ever experienced.

TF was so perfect for me. There were definitely times when it wasn’t so good, I know this, there are dozens of entries around here to prove it. But despite all of that, when it was good it was so good. He was so many things for me. He checked so many boxes. He fit every description I’d ever heard of how love comes about. I really, honestly, thought I could marry the guy. I’m not even kidding. I imagined throwing caution to the wind, maybe for the first time in my entire life, and marrying him. I didn’t care about the future. I wasn’t worried about how we’d realistically figure out life together. There wasn’t any anxiety. I wasn’t even considering it. I was just going with the flow. Following my gut and whatever I was feeling and it was all leading me right to him.

Now I realize it was probably all a crazy combination of overexcited hormones and this damn evolutionary subconscious desire to make babies with him, but damn did I want to follow him to the end of the world.

It was that sexy collarbone tattoo [that may or may not exist? because I’ve never really seen it…] and those damn beautiful bright eyes and he sucked me right in. Combine that with getting every thing I felt like I’d always wanted and I was screwed from the start.

I know why it didn’t work. I know why it can’t work without both of us changing. But that doesn’t stop it from meaning what it meant to me. It doesn’t stop me from wondering about the very real possibility that I will never feel this kind of connection to another man. It doesn’t stop me from having any of the dozens of thoughts and/or memories about us.

But Someone heard me yesterday and this morning was a brand new day. One in which the weight had been lifted. One where I’ve begun to feel at peace again.

I only hope that I am also granted the ability to continue to feel this way long into the future. I need this. I want this. I promise I do.

rose.
10:12pm