July 1, 2017
10:35pm
Well, there seems to be a lot going on these days and I don’t even know where it’s all coming from. Like when did my weeks become full of social engagements? I’m not that popular!
But I am a little bit tipsy tonight so probably ignore most of what I’ll say. I didn’t even start drinking until later in the evening but I’ve been trying to not drink so much every day.
I always feel so weird about that because I’m probably destroying my liver and really should not be drinking as much as I do, but hell, people drink all the time. I’m definitely always in control of where I’m at whether I’ve had one drink or eight. It’s such a built in habit. I don’t know how not to have a drink at the end of the day since I’ve basically been drinking consistently since I turned 21. Should I be admitting that? ha. I don’t even know anymore.
I don’t actually feel bad about this in the moment, but it seems like something I should feel bad about. Right?
I’ll figure it out eventually. The only reason I even consider cutting back is because of whatever effects it may have on my organs. I feel fine though. And I’ve totally gotten off-track because I certainly was not going to come in here to talk about my drinking. I am tipsy though. haha.
I’m still conflicted about TF. It’s still an every day thing, which is pretty depressing in and of itself, but I’m not feeling depressed anymore. Seriously. I’m doing alright these days. I do still think of him though. He was just so many things that it’s hard to get rid of. I know I should let go, but I really don’t want to right now.
I realized that I’m so afraid that I might not ever find someone like him again. Like I’ll end up with someone who doesn’t understand me and someone who isn’t affectionate. Is it crazy that I’m worried about that? It just freaks me out that I won’t ever find another man that wants me as much as he did. I need affection. I know this. I want this, even if I don’t always show it.
It’s kinda like my life though - a walking contradiction. Because I want someone as affectionate and crazy into me as he seemed to be and at the same time I want someone who will take things slow and steady. I just have this heart that is bursting at the seams with affection. I want to give it away. I want to pour it out and give it all to someone. But I just can’t seem to get to that point. There are so many factors involved and I’m kinda afraid that I won’t ever be able to find that. Who’s going to want me and yet show the kind of self-control that I need? Do people like that exist? It doesn’t really seem like it.
So, I have a really good excuse to contact the Sheriff right now. He never responded to that last email I sent him so I am super hesitant about this. I don’t want to push him. I don’t want him to misinterpret my intentions. I’d just really like to get to know him. I think he’s got a fascinating life that I would like to hear about. But I don’t want to push myself on him. It’s such a tough position to be in.
He lives in a really touristy part of the state and it just so happens that a family friend has decided she might want to go there for a major birthday she has coming up. As soon as I heard the words I immediately thought about him. Later Mom had said that she wanted to try to think of a contact she’d have out there. We know a lot of people and I was waiting for her to mention him but she never did. She kept saying things like she was waiting for me to bring it up so I finally did. And she was all for the idea of sending him an email and asking him if he knew of any good locations or could put us in touch with a contact.
I really don’t know though. I mean, I’d like to do this. It’s the perfect excuse! And I’d thought about it before when I was joking about planning K’s wedding. Like I seriously worked this all up in my head about how I’d contact him and everything. But I don’t know if I should make it a reality. I just don’t want to push that hard. I don’t want to force myself into his life. If he wanted to be in mine; he would be.
July 2nd - 7:42pm
Annnnd…I did it anyway.
I e-mailed the Sheriff. Why the hell not right? Right!?
I need to stop second guessing every damn thing that I do! I mean, what’s it gonna hurt? I’m really trying to learn to just go for things instead of having so much hesitation. I’ve always been so controlled in all of my movements and I end up missing out on a lot of stuff. I have been trying to say “yes” a lot more in recent years because it usually ends up leading to fun. Or at least doesn’t turn out to be as scary as I thought it would be.
There’s only this one life, right? The worst that can happen here is that he completely blows me off and I have to continue to nurse my bruised ego and wounded pride. That’s survivable. I can handle that.
Not that I didn’t hesitate before sending the message. We’d gone to the office around 1pm today to meet someone who used to work for the company. I started typing up the message shortly after we got there but with all the distractions I didn’t send it until after 4pm after they left. And after I read it like a dozen times! Checking for everything from spelling mistakes, to grammar errors, to just making sure I didn’t sound like a total dork. hah.
It’s done though. I didn’t actually hesitate on it as much as I thought I would. I just needed the clear space to work it up. I sent it from my personal gmail account [the one I’ve only used w/TF] so I told him it was his favorite [job title] from [tiny town]. I said that I knew we were no where near work season but that I thought he might be able to help me with something. Then I went on to tell him that my friend was considering a b-day party out in his area and we had no idea where to start. That his name came up [he seriously is the only person I know out in that area!] and I thought he could at least point me in the right direction or know of someone I could contact. I said that we weren’t very fancy and he knows we’re small town living out here. At the end I also said that I hoped it was ok that I contacted him about this and signed my name and left it at that.
We’ll see what happens. I do hope that he at least responds. Even if it’s just to tell me to eff off and leave him alone if it’s not work related. ha. It should be interesting to see how it plays out.
I have always been really like “put it all out there” with him. At the end of the day I say whatever I feel like saying and don’t have any regrets. I kinda like leaving the ball in his court.
I still don’t want him to get the wrong impression. I don’t know why I feel like I’m giving off that vibe. But I’m not trying to marry the guy. There’s just this thing I’ve felt when I’m around him so I’m having a hard time putting that on the back-burner. That’s my own thing, I get that.
And let’s be really honest, some of it is about TF and the aforementioned not quite wanting to let go yet. But talking to the Sheriff does not mean that I suddenly have to let go of everything that I had before. I have to remember that and let it all sink in.
The decisions I make do not decide my entire future in an instant! I think I’m just a little bit traumatised these days..
Updates to follow, I’m sure. Grantchester time. =)
rose.
9:02pm
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