6:26pm
I have so many stories I want to tell. Things have actually been happening around here, but sitting down and writing about any of those things seems a little overwhelming. I don’t know why. It’s easier to just do a stream of consciousness thing I guess and not put too much effort into it. This always happens this way. Whenever I have a story to tell I come up with everything in my head when I’m no where near a computer and then never come in and actually type. I’m surprised I was able to write up so many stories about TF while that was going on. Although I did skip most of what was said/done during the “date” and a couple of other big moments that I didn’t get around to. It’s probably better that way anyway.
Today’s his birthday. I knew it was coming up. I had that in my mind, but I didn’t realize it was today until a couple hours ago when I looked something up on the computer and it was date stamped for 6.26. That hit me kinda weird. Like holy sh*t it’s here.
Not that it matters. It makes zero difference in the world. Or in my world, I mean clearly it makes a difference for him. He’s lived another year. ha. I do wonder though. What did he do? What is he thinking about? Would it totally blow his mind if I texted to say “happy birthday”? ha. I’m so not going to do that, but it did cross my mind. More than once. [I guess it’s good I’m so damn proud in moments like these haha]
The other crazy thing is that I hopped on fb and it notified me that today is Kyle’s birthday. I don’t think anyone remembers Kyle, but we had a quick flirty thing up in Seattle when I got super drunk the day I met him and we went on to text a bunch until he got a girlfriend [that he married and later divorced]. It was a little weird and dramatic but still interesting.
Clearly, I’m learning, a lot of that drama comes from me. I can’t just relax and go with it. I’ve always got way too much going on in my head. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to find someone that I can completely relax around. There’s just way too much sh*t that’s happened in my life that’s completely clouded my judgement. It’ll be the biggest damn surprise if I do.
But yeah, totally weird coincidence. There are a lot of connections/comparisons between the two now that I think about it. But I will not spend too much time thinking about it. I so don’t need to go there.
Obviously I’m still thinking about him a lot. I don’t know how not to. Or, I guess, I don’t really want to because I know how to stop. I had a pretty tough day yesterday. I had some weird dreams and moments where I’d wake up thinking about him. I think that was the same night I woke up in the middle of a dream where I was telling myself something like “see? you didn’t want to be anyone’s stepmother…” and that was such a strange thought to wake up to! Like his kid had nothing to do with us because we never got to that.
So I woke up for the day yesterday around 8:30 and I immediately started thinking about him. Just all kinds of memories, fantasies, ideas, desires. So much. And I couldn’t get myself to stop and so I laid there for ever and couldn’t get up. We were supposed to be at our friend’s house by 1pm and I had next to zero motivation to move.
It must have been close to 10 by the time I convinced myself to shut up and get out of bed before I took things too far and spiraled again. I don’t even remember exactly what time but I know it was late.
Then I went on to walk around in this haze. I was super clumsy. Wanted to fall asleep any time I sat down. Kept dropping everything I tried to hold. Hit my freaken wrist on the wall as I pulled it away from the microwave? Just stupid stuff that kept happening and only served to increase my frustration. I ended up sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee and watched trashy television even though I should have been doing a million things.
It was almost 11:30 by the time either one of us got up [my mother has a new addiction to zuma haha] and started making the dessert we were supposed to take. Thankfully we knocked the strawberry cheesecake out pretty damn quickly, rushed to take showers, and still made it to their house [a town over] by about 1:20. Not too bad for such a terrible slow start.
I then proceeded to drink EIGHT beers over the course of the next 6.5 hours [I should really give my damn liver a break…] and eat all the cheese/crackers/salsa/tortas/cheesecake I could handle. There was also some dancing, and 4th of July planning, and lots of laughing/jokes and I walked out of there feeling much better. Thank God for friends like that and moments that can turn a horrible day into a pretty decent one.
But then we were driving home listening to Delilah and she had this lady on who apparently waited 27 years to try to get back with the guy she liked and Delilah goes, “what are you waiting for? Tell him already!” So that prompted my mother to say, “see! You just have to tell them!” like she was trying to make some kind of point. I made a bad joke where I said I’d tell them to “f*ck off” and she wasn’t amused. I continued to make more jokes about taking it too far and then said, “yeah, well, I guess I’ll just wait 27 years and then see what happens.”
It did make me kinda sad though. I don’t even know who she could have been talking about. The only two possibilities I can think of are TF and the Sheriff and I definitely said what I needed to say in both of those situations. I guess she doesn’t technically know the details of either one but still. It hurts my heart a little. And I wonder if she really thinks that I screw all of these things up because I don’t want them. I mean, I was so open to the possibility of either of those. It just didn’t happen.
That’s part of it. Perhaps the part that I haven’t exactly admitted:
My freaken ego is bruised! Like so, so bruised.
[funny sidenote: if you search bruised ego there’s a lot of stuff about men but not so much about women. Surely I can’t be the only female with wounded pride. Hah!]
There are so many men that want me and I can’t wrap my mind around why TF wouldn’t. You know what I mean? That sounds really cocky and I don’t mean it that way. I’m not like that at all! It’s just true.
Pretty sure this all came around because of the birthday party for JR’s dad. It went really well. Of course that isn’t much of a surprise. These things usually work out ok, but there’s so much anxiety involved with going into the unknown. It was fun. The music was good. There was indeed booze. People were friendly enough. Everyone in his family took turns sitting and talking with us, which was cool.
His sister was pretty tipsy by the time we got there and she went on this whole spiel about how she wanted me for JR. According to her it was either me or one other friend he had. I was super curious to know who this other friend was but she couldn’t remember the name. Oh well. She was really into this idea though. I smiled and acknowledged that she was speaking but I didn’t say anything in return. I didn’t agree or disagree. I just didn’t want to feed into it at all.
I mean, what are you supposed to say!?! The guy’s girlfriend is days away from having his child! It’s insane to be saying those things to me. Clearly she has zero attachment to that girl. hah. She even went on to tell their cousin that she wanted me for JR. She’d just introduced us and she pulled him aside and whispered something I couldn’t hear. But then mom was suddenly telling her to watch what she’s saying, reminding her that they’re having a baby, and all this stuff about how we were like brother and sister. I let them go on but continued to keep quiet. Keep me out of that sh*t.
It’s crazy though! I wrote about how his mother admitted a few months back that she wanted me for him too, right? She was much more subtle about it. His sister was full on all about it. Poor girl. I feel kind of bad for them. As if it were that easy. We all know I thought about it. There was just no way.
This is a prime example of someone I could have if I just said the word. Also, as I was leaving I said bye to one of the family friends [he also used to work w/my brother & was a client when I first started at the office] and after we hugged he kept his arm on me and goes, “you looked beautiful tonight.” Which totally caught me off guard. He’s always been pretty friendly. When I first got there I went in for a side-hug and he pulled his face in close to press against mine. But I didn’t expect him to say anything other than bye and so I smiled and said, “thanks” and walked away before it got awkward.
All of that just sorta combined with the rest of my feelings and I was like, what the hell is wrong with TF!? It’s not even about what’s wrong with me. This isn’t a self-confidence issue, or feeling bad about myself, or anything. It’s a straight up bruised ego. Like I can have any guy so why the hell can’t I have him?
Ok. Ok. Maybe some of that is about me. Like what is it that didn’t make him fall all over himself to be with me?
I still think there is a lot behind those beautiful bright eyes of his that he isn’t sharing. There’s a part of me that doesn’t believe that guys can have any kind of serious emotions, but we all know that isn’t true. They are capable of feeling scared, or sad, or broken. They’re just not always good at expressing it and I still strongly believe that that’s where he’s at. I don’t think he knew how to be around someone like me. He certainly didn’t know how to be my friend. I don’t think he’s used to someone calling him out on all of his bs or being so strong around him.
That’s all ok though. I’m still working through everything, but I have to remember that it’s better every day. I will sit back and laugh about all of this some day and I’ll take all of the lessons exactly as they were given to me.
Slowly but surely. One day at a time.
rose.
10:26pm
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