June 12, 2017
3:12pm
It’s official. I am terrible at this thing. I’ve lost my motivation [and my boy drama. hah!]
Also this damn page “crashed” and reloaded itself so I lost the three paragraphs I’d already written. yay…
And that damn “wedding song” just came on. double yay…
There’s something so great about having the ability to come in here and read back on old entries. It’s always been so cathartic to read over everything that happened. It’s such an eye-opening experience! I have this awful habit of blocking out certain things, or getting too distracted to remember the details, so it’s very helpful to be able to look back on the words I wrote in the moment.
Not that there’s much to talk about right now. There’s just a whole hell of a lot of processing still going on in my brain, which I guess is the most frustrating part of it all. WHY ARE THESE THOUGHTS STILL RUNNING ON A CONSTANT LOOP IN MY MIND? =\
I know I can make them stop. The techniques exist and I’m perfectly capable of making it happen. What I can’t figure out is why I won’t let myself do that. What’s stopping me from releasing myself from this miserable loop?
Is it the torture that I enjoy? Am I punishing myself for something I think I did wrong? Because no matter how many times I tell myself that this wasn’t even my fault, there’s still a part of me that’s taking the blame. I don’t understand it though and I can’t seem to breakthrough enough to get to the bottom of it.
I thought about seeking help. You know, someone on the outside that could push me forward passed this roadblock. There are just too many things to consider though. How the heck do you go about even finding a therapist!? Plus the basic things like: money, no insurance, abilty to connect and open up to other humans. If it gets worse all of these things will probably be overridden, but for now I’m going to continue to try to work things out on my own. I have to take everything I’ve learned over the years and apply it to my own life. I have to figure out why there’s so much hesitation.
And I have to write it all out. That’s the only thing that has helped so far because the thoughts never seem to be fully processed until they escape through my fingertips and I can reread them later.
I thought about writing TF a letter too. I just don’t know what I’d do if he actually responds. Plus I’m super stubborn and full of pride so I hate the idea of reaching out to him! =|
I guess I could include a little sidenote that says, “please don’t reply!” but then do I actually get any closure? Other than being able to say everything that’s running through my head.
That’s the thing about the world that I’ve never really been able to accept: you don’t always get closure; you almost never get closure! Life just happens right before your eyes and then you’re left to sort through the pieces. That’s how my life has basically always been.
Earlier today I went into the office and I was looking through all my emails as per usual. I ended up on my gmail account that I’ve basically only used to email TF and a couple random sites. I decided that I should look through things. I’ve been avoiding it because it just tugged at way too many heartstrings before.
So I started reading. I will admit that I was intent on avoiding the messages that I knew would trigger the more painful stuff, but I read a couple of them anyway. I read through a whole string of drafts I’d written up after different interactions we had. Responses and words that I never sent.
Here’s the thing - it didn’t hurt nearly as much as I thought it would. It didn’t hurt anywhere near the way it did two or three months ago.
June 18, 2017
1:49pm
I’m currently sitting at my desk at work. On a Sunday! On Father’s Day! But you do what you gotta do I guess.
We didn’t really have plans to do anything. I originally wanted to take Mom out to dinner but I don’t know. We had that baptism yesterday and basically only planned on doing this and going to church tonight. We’ll see how it goes. I have stuff to write about regarding yesterday but I’ll save that for another entry. I seriously need to finish this one. [and I need to find a way to stop procrastinating so damn much, on everything!]
So where was I: on reading and not hurting.
That was such a nice thing to discover. Seriously. That moment when you’re running through the exact same thing you ran through 3 months ago and it feels completely different. In a really, really good way. It’s a huge sigh of relief. Like damn I’m finally making it out of this.
When you’re in the middle of it you never think you’ll reach these moments. Then they show up out of nowhere, when you didn’t even realize you were near, and it’s so nice. It’s nice to realize that you can survive. That you’re not permanently broken by these kinds of things.
I’m not even trying to be dramatic. Taking the depression off the table and just considering the situation with TF - that was a huge freaken deal in my world. A moment that I won’t ever relive. Like there is always the possibility that I will meet someone new and it’ll be different and full of firsts, but they won’t ever be like what I just experienced with TF. The next guy won’t be the first guy I thought was worth a damn, he’ll be the second. See? So I won’t get those same moments again and that’s why it was such a big deal.
The night I started the above entry I didn’t end up finishing because I went and sat on the couch and watched a couple movies I’d rented. I’m mentioning this because one of the movies I rented was The Shack. It’s crazy what absolutely perfect timing that had. Of all the movies, on all the days, with all the stories.
Now, I won’t spoil it [and I don’t think my situation is anywhere near his] but the idea of forgiveness suddenly resonated so strongly. I’d gone through this before, several months back maybe at the end of ‘16 [if only I had a search feature!]. It wasn’t quite the same then, but there was still that idea that I needed to forgive and heal.
That’s come up a lot for me ever since things ended. I’ve had this strong desire to hear TF say he’s sorry. I want him to apologize for every thing he did that hurt me. For whatever reason that’s what I seem to need in order to make any progress here.
But, after watching that movie, I realized and finally accepted that it is entirely possible that I will never hear that apology. In all honesty, it is very possible that he doesn’t even realize he did anything to hurt me. Which makes an apology even less likely if he doesn’t know, or think, he did anything wrong.
So I took on the notion that I have to forgive him without actually hearing that he’s sorry. I just have to forgive him. For my own peace of mind. For my own sanity. I have to accept this invisible apology and say that he’s been forgiven. You don’t have to forget any of it right? You just have to forgive.
I started to do that that very night. To whisper to the dark, “I forgive you.” No ifs, ands, or buts, just forgiveness. No conditions. No ‘even thoughs’. Just straight up forgiveness without any attachments or sidenotes.
And I think it’s helping.
I hadn’t really considered it before, that I could forgive someone without actually hearing I’m sorry [and there goes that wedding song. heh…].
At the same time, I realized that I also need to forgive God. Because so much of my anger was coming from the idea that I had gotten exactly what I wanted and then it was taken away from me. I realize that everything happens for a reason but it all seemed set up so perfectly that I was mad that it didn’t work out the way I thought it should. That one’s on the universe. I didn’t really know who else I could blame. And I won’t get into all my beliefs and all that but that same night I also started to forgive Him.
I hope this will change things for me. I hope, with every bit of hope I have left, that I can finally move forward from this and heal. I’ve felt like such a fraud every time I’ve come in here to say I was better and then fell back into that deep dark hole again. So I hope this is the real turnaround I need.
It’s felt better so far. [I’ve even uncovered the sticky note that’s still attached to my desk] I’ve started to notice more good moments in a day than bad. I know that not every day is going to be a good one. I am going to backslide every now and then. And some days I’ll probably still get angry and upset over it all. But I hope that with forgiveness comes healing and a new chance at getting back to where I was before.
Or at least getting back to being happy. Because I know I can’t really go back to before. I’m not that person anymore. I won’t ever be that same person.
So we’ll see. I’ll keep ya posted.
rose.
3:32pm
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