Woe is me in The ugly truth about making babies

My work bestie had her babies on Monday. Her two beautiful, healthy, naturally conceived twins. One little egg split in two. No complications during pregnancy or birth despite the doctors putting the fear of god in her about twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Absolutely perfect little boys.

I’m thrilled for her, of course. But there is so much about me that wishes it was that easy. They weren’t really even trying. They had been, then got engaged and she decided she wanted to get married so they stopped trying but I get the impression going back on the pill was a bit halfhearted. They got caught fairly unexpectedly but very much wanted their babies.

I’m jealous. I wish it was me. I wish it was my other half, who so desperately wants a baby, in the Facebook photos looking proud but knackered. I wish it was me replying to messages without being able to disguise my completely unabandoned joy and excitement.

I wish it was that easy. I’m off work this week so need to get our consent forms in order, need to get them all signed up and ready to take back to our follow up appointment. It’s funny how joey and I are flip flopping. He’s always said he likes to err on the side of negativity so he doesn’t get disappointed. Then last night he said he was thinking positively because he’s so ready to be a dad. Talk about break my heart.

I want this so badly for me. I want to hold my baby in my arms more than I can put into words. Joey tonight said I’m giving him something he never thought he’d have, that he feels like I’m giving him a miracle. And that’s why I want it so badly for him too. He’s wanted this for a long time and must have questioned during his divorce whether he’d ever find someone who would take him on knowing he had this condition.

The further we get into this process the more I realise how hard it is to stay positive. How hard it is to know you’re potentially setting yourself up for heartbreak and you do it anyway.

I’ve got to confess that I’m not at all religious, but over our travels since we’ve been together, we’ve been inside many a church, Rome, Madrid, all over Germany and Austria, and this year Bath and Liverpool. I have sat in each and every one of them and said ‘if there’s anything out there, and you’re not totally offended that I’m not a believer, can you bear in mind that the man I love is a believer and I would do anything to give him the joy he deserves. If you are out there, please consider that and make this process as easy as it can be. Please don’t make him suffer more than he does every day with the thought that consumes him, the guilt he feels over the low count that isn’t even his fault.’

I’m feeling maudlin tonight. It feels like such a difficult situation tonight. If we could have conceived naturally we would have had a baby or at least been pregnant by now. The path we’re taking, there are no guarantees.

Xx