I don't know how to feel in 2017

It’s just after 9:30pm on Friday. I know I won’t be posting this today. I’m on the road again. =) But I’m really trying to get some thoughts out before I forget.

Yes, it’s probably going to be a lot more of the same. Honestly, nothing’s ever hit me this hard mentally or emotionally. I hate to put that much stock in it, but there’s no other way to describe it. And there’s no denying it.

Let’s see if I can do some bullet points for this so as not to ramble on and on. They’re just quick thoughts that have become a reoccurring theme in my quiet moments. Possible reasons on why I cannot let go of this after two months.

• I’ll start with the fact that just saying the words “two months” has triggered in me the realization that I should not be so freaken hard on myself! I went on and on about CK for over a year after he left and we never had a connection like this.

• There’s a part of me that feels like I got rejected. I’ve never been rejected before. [Lucky me!] It stings like a mother f*cker because even before him I was confident in my amazingness as a person. No one’s ever not wanted that before when they took a moment to get to know me.

• I feel at least 1000x more confident than I did at this time last year and yet, I realized a couple of days ago, that I’m also feeling extremely broken. Worse than I’ve felt in a while.

• I have never had to deal with such intense chemical attraction before. In all my years I’d never felt anything even close to this. And it got in the way and blurred everything.

• I’m contemplating the idea of legitimately seeking out a therapist. Like I said, these emotions have been really freaken intense. I’m not sure I can get over this on my own. I’ve really been trying but I just can’t seem to process things in the right way. I’ve always been able to figure stuff like this out with writing and thinking, and working my way through it. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like maybe I won’t be able to do that.

• Another part of this is that I feel like maybe I got played. Which is a terribly hard thing to accept. He was just so freaken sweet, and funny, and shy, and cute about the whole thing when he first started trying to get my attention and hitting on me at the office. It is so freaken hard to accept that maybe that was all bullsh*t. That despite my super cautious approach I might have started to fall for the bs.
  More so, I think it’s the fact that I can’t imagine anyone could be that fake. Or change that quickly. I get putting on a front to try to get someone to like you [or maybe I don’t!] but that was like a 180 and I think that’s the most ridiculous thing in the world. In general I think it’s stupid to pretend to be someone you’re not. The truth always comes out in the end.

It’s Sunday now. I got home at about 1 o’clock this morning. It was a wonderful adventure. I didn’t even know until it was over that I really needed to get away for a while. It was only like five days but it was better than nothing.

I kept getting this feeling, while I was away, that I needed to get out of this place. I need something new. I need to get away from the constant reminders. If I could, I think I would leave this town right now and find somewhere new to start fresh. A new job, new life, new experiences. The whole deal.

It was just so easy to get used to not looking at every stupid chevy and wondering if it was him. It couldn’t be him that far away. There was no point in even considering it. And that was kind of liberating.

I really didn’t want this to mean so much. I swear! I didn’t expect it. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t ever think it would turn out this way. And I almost hate that it’s still affecting me in such a way.

• There’s definitely a part of me that’s self-sabotaging here. I know this. I recognize this. It’s hard not to do. Almost impossible.

• He’s just so hard to let go of. That beautiful bright pony that’s right within reach and yet I can’t quite hold on to.

• I know that I’m getting better. This is proven by the fact that I can actually go hours without thinking about him and feeling ok when I realize it.

• The simple act of typing the above out on Friday has already made a difference. It always does. It’s like the moment that I accept things is the same moment that I can type them out in here and then I feel a hundred times better afterwards.

• I have no idea where I’m going to go from here. I still want to see him in order to finish processing my feelings, but I don’t know when I’ll get that chance.

• I also know that it would be easier to move on if I had someone to move on to, but I can’t be picky.
  I really, really want to get back to where I was before. I was doing so well. I was finally happy. I want that again.

rose.
9:27pm

p.s. I wish I could convince myself not to take all the blame here. I know what he wanted, said, and felt. The reality is that it was definitely not all my fault. I held back for sure. I was definitely cautious. But he never even took me out on a second date. He stood me up. More than anyone ever has. That wasn’t my fault. He could have easily gotten so much more from me and in hindsight I guess I’m glad he didn’t. This wasn’t my fault though. I wish he could see that. I wish I could tell him that. I just wanted to be wanted. And he never really put in the effort. That isn’t my fault!

Last updated May 22, 2017