your truth for the evening in poetry

first to open up tonight,
we’re gonna lay down some truth here
it is gonna be truth time
we are gonna parcel out some truth
we are gonna have a truth party!
I am gonna metaphorically drop trow
you are gonna metaphorically open up your mouths
and I am gonna shit a whole buncha truth down there
y’know
metaphorically

first of all
rompers
y’know rompers!
they’re the new fuckin’ thing on the instatubes and the yougrams and the facehole
they’re like infant pyjamas for goddamned hipster beardo fleshwastes
rompers!
first, you can wear whatever the fuck clothes you want, I don’t care
there’s a Nazi rotten pumpkin full of angry bees occupying the White House
another Met breaks his pitching arm every other day and
I have not lain with a woman carnally since 2015
we have better things to worry about than
what stupid fucking clothes Twitter Influencers are wearing this Tuesday
but here’s the thing, right?
rompers
if a woman wants to wear rompers, fine
if a man wants to wear rompers? FINE
whatever gender you are, if you’re both or neither or something entirely else
it’s fine with me, I don’t care
it’s no skin off my HAVEN’T HAD SEX SINCE FUCKING 2015
Vladimir Putin didn’t even have video of the guy with the nuclear codes
getting pissed on by six ruple hookers in 2015
it was an entirely different world
AAAAAAAAAAAAAANNY gender, you can wear your fucking romper
mazel-shitting-tov, I say
BUT
whoever you are, if you’re wearing a romper, you have to know
you look like you have a goddamned adult baby fetish, okay?
that’s part of the deal, okay?
you get to wear whatever the fuck you wanna wear
Noah Syndergaard’s entire skeleton collapses from sleeping on a mattress with a pebble underneath it
but you look like you have a goddamned adult baby fetish in your goddamned romper
okay? you do, if your fucking romper, okay?
own it! FUCKING OWN IT
hire a fucking dominatrix to fucking bottlefeed you in goddamned Chipotle
get a giant fucking babyseat, strap yourself into the back of your goddamn Jeep Patriot
and scream
GA GA GOO GOO
as you’re driving around the fucking Oneida Square roundabout
and everyone’s either fucking hitting each other or doesn’t know when to fucking move?
okay?
deal?

fucking rompers
fuck fucking rompers
whatever gender you are, I’m gonna tell you what with your fucking romper
no matter what the arraignment of your lower front bits
in about ten minutes, you’re gonna have a fucking wedgie
you might have a wedgie in the front bits
you might have a wedgie in the back
you might have both! it is still technically a free country until Putin invades to save his piss buddy
your romper is a one way train ticket to
Wedgietown Population You
that shit is gonna stain
LITERALLY

rompers
rompers like the internet wants to tell you it’s a new thing
rompers are the hot new fad
the rompers are the fucking fidget spinners of ten minutes ago
you know who invented rompers?
OUR FUCKING GRANDPAS INVENTED ROMPERS
They WENT DOWN TO FLORIDA
They GOT IN THEIR RETIREMENT VILLAGES
THEY PULLED THEIR FUCKING PANTALOONS UP TO THEIR GODDAMN NIPPYNIPS
and there you go
YOUR GRANDPA INVENTED ROMPERS
your grandpa went over to Europe in World War 2
he punched some goddamned Nazis with bullets
he punched some holes in Nazi faces with little lead fists
then he came home, pulled his jimmyjams up to his ney-neys
and then in November he voted for a goddamned Nazi
because he thinks a Bosnian nurse stole his pocket change once
America.
rompers
Jesus.

look look looooooook
rompers
okay, rompers
DO YOU KNOW WHO WORE FUCKING ROMPERS, OKAY?
STEVE. FUCKING. URKEL WORE FUCKING ROMPERS.
STEVE URKEL WORE ROMPERS ON FAMILY CHRISTLORDFUCKING MATTERS
rompers
DID I DO THAT
DID IIIIII DO THAT?
Yes. Yes you did Steve.
YOU WORE FUCKING ROMPERS.
Jesus.

okay. Secondly.
there’s a second part here
it’s not as “of the moment” but there’s a second part here
follow me here
FOLLLOW MIKE ON THE TRUTH TRAIN
OPEN WIDE
okay
vaping.

if you wanna vape, that is on you
you are free to vape
you the man now dog, you vape you
I haven’t had sex since July of 2015, who am I to judge
you want to waste all the money of smoking cigarettes
with only half the cancer
and one one-hundred-thousandth the dignity
you wanna fuckin’ smoke the cigarette lighter instead of the cigarette
you wanna waste the money go for it
me I play the lottery and lose just as much money
I just don’t walk around with a Lite Brite in my mouth when I do it
we got bigger fish to fry
Donald Trump raped a teenage girl then had the KGB threaten her with death to drop the charges
there are more important things than if
you wanna get your nicotine through a fuckin’ Ring Pop
through a Juicy Jewel of flavour Ring Pop
than through a lollipop without a stick
you wanna smoke the rainbow of flavour you can lick?
go with God
but, okay
vaping
if you’re going to vape you’re going to have to admit
to yourself, your deity, your grandmother, your parole officer
you’re going to have to admit that you look
like you straight up sucking R2D2’s dick
okay?

when you are vaping your vape out of your vape
you are cold gnawin’ on a robot’s peter
if that is all right for you?
that’s great, I am happy for you
David Wright’s entire spine has been replaced with adamantium servos and gears
fuck me, I don’t care
you just
truth time
big ol’ truth
smoking your vape is fellating an Astromech droid’s member until completion
that blue light?
that flickering blue light?
that’s how you know
BEEP
BEEP BEEP BOOP
BEEPBEEEPBEEEP BEEEPP BEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP
BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWPPPP!
ahhhhh
R2D2 just came nicotine vapor into your mouthface
if that’s your thing, just own it
it takes all kinds
beep beep beep

now third, third is where
third is where we bring the funny
third is where we lighten it up a bit

boy, a lot of rock stars are dying these days, huh?
Chris Cornell a coupla days ago
Prince, David Bowie a personal favourite of mine
it seems like they’re just all kind of leaving us, huh?
it’s like all the big damn heroes
they’re all just…
gone

but you know who isn’t dead?
Axl Rose.
Axl Rose ain’t dead!
Axl Rose is just… pluggin’ along
gettin’ fatter, gettin’ weirder
just doing more random and random shit
Axl Rose despite all reasonable estimates of an insane person’s lifespan
Axl Rose is going fuckin’ STRONG
shuffling around his warehouse of a mansion in Malibu
probably wearing tissue boxes on his feet like Howard fuckin’ Hughes
probably really afraid of germs
probably three servants just to maintain his cornrows ALONE!
Axl Rose.

goddamn, I just love Axl Rose, you never know what that motherfucker’s gonna do
hey Axl, what’s up this week?
“THIS WEEK MY GUITARIST WILL WEAR A FRIED CHICKEN BUCKET ON HIS HEAD!”
all right, Axl that’s…
“NEXT WEEK, MY GUITARIST WILL ONLY ANSWER TO THE NAME BUMBLEFOOT, YOU CALL HIM ANYTHING ELSE, MY GUARDS WILL SHOOT”
sure, but isn’t that
“NEXT MONTH, I WILL BREAK MY LEG AND PERFORM IN LAS VEGAS FROM A GOLDEN THRONE ATOP AN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR!”
I mean I guess that’s your
“THE WHEELCHAIR WILL COST SO MUCH THAT I HAVE TO REUNITE WITH SLASH TO RECOUP MY FINANCIAL LOSSES!”
that’s… that’s great, that’s great, Axl

Kurt Cobain, wife blew his head off
Tupac, Biggie’s friends killed him
Biggie, Tupac’s friends killed him
John Lennon, Reagan sent a brainwashed CIA sleeper for him
The guy from Sublime finally figured out how much weed you have to smoke to kill a man…
but Axl?
Axl’s there, eatin’ a fuckin’ Ring Ding and having his cornrows rebraided
Axl Rose, there is a man, there is a man for our place and our time

God just can’t bring Herself to kill the guy
he’s too weird to die, he’s too interesting
God’s like
“…I want to see where he’s going with this…”
anyone else with Axl Rose’s life, would’ve…
wrapped a car around a tree
drowned in his own puke at the Chateau Mormount
assassinated by Lizard People working in conjunction with the Illuminati
choke on a ham sandwich
not Axl not Axl Rose
the good Lord God, She would allow no such thing
God wants to see where Axl is going with this

Axl Rose is gonna outlive me
Axl Rose is gonna outlive you
Axl Rose is gonna outlive your grandchildren
Axl Rose is gonna welcome people into the jungle in 200 years when they’re born
and in 300 years
Axl Rose is gonna send people away to paradise city when they die
when the sun expands into a red giant
when Venus and Mercury have burned up and
our own oceans have all burnt away
anyone else still left alive
Axl will sing to them “Don’t Cry”

at the heat death of the universe
in 50 Billion shitting fucking goddamned years
when even the Twinkies and the Cucarachas are getting worried
Axl’s gonna be sitting there
in his cornrows and his wheelchair
and fucking Keith Richards will be pushing him around
and Keith will be
so
fucking high he will not know where the fuck he is
“when do we go on, Mick?” he’ll ask Axl
and Axl Rose will chuckle knowingly and then
in a raspy whisper tell him
“Patience, Keith”
“Patience”

before I go, I just wanna share one last idea with you all
Jesus Christ and
Poppin Fresh The Pillsbury Doughboy
are very similar guys if you think about it

the bread? the bread is both of their flesh, right?
they’re both risen! Christ is risen!
The Pillsbury Doughboy is risen!
and if you think about it
in reality
if you took a more realistic view of both of their lives
they’d both be a lot browner than most people want to believe

thank you all so much
I have been your truth for this evening