..and getting over in 2017

May 10, 2017
1:53pm

I’m in one of those want to write moods, but don’t really know what it is exactly that I’d like to say today. I guess I would like to update on my state of mind, but I feel like I pretty much write the same stuff over and over again lately. Although technically I haven’t been writing all that much in recently weeks. Without the boy thing I pretty much don’t do anything of interest, at least not any real juicy interest.

My days basically go the same way. I wake up and lie in bed for a little while because I almost never have anywhere pressing to be, which is kind of amazing. But the problem with that is that I’ve gotten extremely lazy! I set my alarm M-F [for a time that is only early to the unemployed] and then I still lie there for like another hour+ because there’s no hurry and I’m always so comfortable. I know that part of this is because I frequently wake up throughout the night and can be up for several hours on really terrible nights [certainly not as many of those as I had during the 1st part of the year!].
Also though, I think I might be dealing with some kind of depression. Or maybe my introverted nature is kicking into high gear now that the season’s over and I actually have time to recharge my batteries. If it were up to me I would literally lie in bed all day long and not move. Half the time I’m not even interested in getting up to eat, that’s how bad it’s been! I just can’t seem to will myself out of bed no matter how hard I try. There’s nothing even remotely appealing about leaving the comfort of those covers. I really do need to find a way to break out of this cycle though. Next thing you know it’ll be six months from now and I’ll have wasted so much time, and I’ll be kicking myself for it. Maybe I’ll just give myself another week or so.

Actually, I’m supposed to be making a trip out to Oregon in the coming days. Probably after my birthday next week. That would make for a good starting point once I get back. Although I can already hear my brain saying, “but you just got back from a trip! you need to recharge!” I’m going to have to strongly fight that urge if I’m going to get anything done this year.

We’ll see how it goes.

I have started to celebrate my birthday already! That’s kinda different and fun! I went to dinner at the steakhouse on Sunday, which is always a good time. I started skimming through their drink menu. I always order the same thing - margarita - so I never realized they had so many different drinks. That’s what I miss about going out with different people. When I go out with friends, or someone new, I tend to explore the menus and try different drinks. Out of curiosity mostly. But when I go to the same place with the same people I just order the same thing. I know it’s good so why change? I’m not sure why that is though. I guess new situations help me to want to discover new things.

So anyway, I had a margarita the first round and then switched to something like a whiskey sour made with Makers Mark. Which, of course, mostly served only to remind me of TF. =| I don’t think I actually wrote very many details on our night out. I was too busy riding the high I felt even though I didn’t think I’d felt it. It was all so natural and easy. But yeah, when we’d gone out after dinner/our walk to have another drink at a bar we passed [we were killing time that we had left on the parking meter] I ordered a whiskey/sprite and the bartender lady asked what kind of whiskey. I told her I wasn’t picky [I’m not snobby enough to name names when I go out haha!] TF ended up telling her to go top shelf. Or maybe she suggested it and he said yes? The point is that she reached up to this tall shelf above her and picked the bottle of Makers, which internally I thought was hilarious because I would not consider Makers to be top shelf at all. hah! So now whenever I see the bottle I start laughing at the idea of it all over again. [Although maybe now that I think about it - she literally meant top shelf. haha!]

The whiskey was delicious though! I won’t argue against that. I always forget how much I like whiskey until I taste it again. Mom thought it would be funny to call the waitress over and tell her that I was planning to mix liquors and ask her if she had a wheel barrel available. This is the first time I remember seeing this particular girl at the bar so she might not get our jokes. She laughed anyway and said that the other bartender was pretty strong. Mom and I both looked over at him and started giggling. I’d rather crawl to the car because that guy could not carry me two feet. haha. It was a good time though. I always have fun there because it’s a really laid-back country town. They were playing some really good country music that day too so that was awesome!

Yesterday we hit Taco Tuesday on the beach. Nothing out of the ordinary there. My aunt came along, and I had free food [Birthday months are amazing in terms of free food everywhere! I have to take advantage haha]. Turns out our bartender gave us all kinds of free stuff too. Basically we calculated that he missed an entire round of drinks [initially 2 rounds of margaritas but he added one back in after we insisted], two shots of tequila that he brought us, a dessert that consisted of 3 small flans and strawberries, and also he discounted the entrée I had the coupon for. Pretty much half the meal was covered so of course we took a big chunk of that difference and added it to the tip we left. He’s so good to us! He is seriously the only reason I go back to that place. Once he’s gone I doubt I’ll ever go again.

We actually drove around and did a little shopping to kill time before he got in. We also drove by the ocean. It had been a while since we’d taken that little road around. Of course we also passed through all the same exact places where TF and I walked. Including right by the sock shop where I got my awesome [zero fox given] socks. I wrote about that, right? I must have. [Yup. I went back and checked. Definitely mentioned it. And then got lost in a loop of old entries about those moments....I’m back now..]

It was just a lot of revisiting, and I really did try my best to not let it consume me. I’m still constantly thinking about him. Every thing’s a reminder. And apparently my brain thought it would be fun to let me have a dream where he came into the office and dropped a ring on my front desk and we talked about what the hell it was for, and yeah basically he was proposing and we were running out to celebrate. It was stupid. Why the hell my subconscious even considers any of that to be even a remote possibility now is beyond me. Shut up subconscious! You’re not helping me heal!!!

The days are getting better though! I have to remind myself of that. Because even though I’m thinking about him all the time it doesn’t always hurt the way it did. It’s been what, like six or seven weeks since I’ve seen or heard from him? That’s a long time and yet not very long in the grand scheme of things. In the sense that I don’t have to push myself to be over this already. I’m still very much grieving the whole situation. Just all the possibilities and everything.

I’ve been reading back through old entries, and old emails/texts, and just trying to really piece together everything that was going on. I didn’t want to do that for a long time because it freaken hurt to read a lot of those words. But I’m remembering now where my head was at during everything. I’m remembering why I couldn’t let myself get close to him. I’m thinking about how he wasn’t really a gentleman at all [and I deserve that!] and the fact that he didn’t really change. It’s not like he made me think he was that way and then suddenly got all crude and suggestive. He was that way the entire time! At least in terms of our text conversations. I can’t act like he was pretending to be someone he wasn’t.

The problem I think I’m having is that I can’t decide how much that actually bothers me. Like did I really think it was that bad that he was saying all of those things? Or is it just my conservative background that’s making me feel that way? Like I’m supposed to think he’s a terrible person because he thinks I have a nice ass and wants to bang me. Those aren’t really terrible things. I should be flattered! But I was just raised to believe that acting or saying stuff like that wasn’t very respectful. Like you should treat me like a lady and never say those things to a lady! What is it that they say about women? A lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets? Or something like that! I guess maybe that’s what I want in a man? haha. Like open my door, and say sweet things [that aren’t bullsh*t], and be gentle and kind, and save all that other stuff for 1) after you get to know me! 2) when we’re alone together and 3) after we’ve established an intimate relationship. Don’t do that crap when you’re still trying to win me over!

Ha. Maybe I just worked my way through my issue right there. I just figured out exactly where my head’s at on the subject. See!? Writing this stuff out helps! =)

I’m also at a point where I can joke about him again. The stuff he said or did. Like how he totally ruined Subway and Minnie Mouse for me!

It’s Friday now, the 12th, and I’ve been sitting here in the office since 1pm even though we weren’t scheduled to work. I’m not complaining about this just stating a fact. It’s a good distraction probably. I have been meaning to come in here and finish up this entry but I just cannot find the motivation to do it while I’m at home. I figured being here would be a good opportunity. It’s a nice way to procrastinate from doing any work, but then I got stuck doing actual work. ha. I guess it’s good to check all the important stuff off your list first, or something.

The parking lot has been busy today. Did I miss some kind of holiday? Mother’s day is coming up but I’m not sure people get extended weekends for that…I don’t know. Lots of travelling to see those mothers I guess. It doesn’t make much of a difference for us. It’s mostly a people watching opportunity and a slight frustration considering out of towners get in my way when they don’t know how to drive. Oh and I did get to see a wonderful young couple fondling each other in the parking lot earlier. Yay? =| They were literally walking through the parking lot, right by our office door, and I looked up to see the girl reach over, start to pull at the guy’s shirt, lift it up slightly, and start shoving her hand into his pants. And she certainly was not helping him fix his already buckled belt! Yikes. I did not know people were so out there with that stuff. I mean geez! there are always little kids running around here. It’s kinda gross and inappropriate honestly! By the time they walked right next to the window I’m at she’d turned around to walk backwards and had her hand all the way inside of the front of his pants. Did they seriously think no one could see them? People, man! I swear!

Anyway, I did not need to be seeing that today. Or ever.
I think I might be a little traumatized by it.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore. It was after 5 when I started writing the above paragraph and then by 5:30 we’d decided to leave the office. We’d pretty much already done everything we needed to do. Good for me for checking off that list huh?

We probably won’t open next week so I was trying to make sure I had everything done for that. Make sure there’s nothing pending or due next week. Also make sure that there’s nothing going on for JR. His dad brought a stack of stuff today and I went through everything just to be sure. We should all be good to go. :)

What I’m not sure about is that I should still be talking about TF. Honestly, I think the stuff I wrote the other day was really helpful. It’s felt better since then. As much as I want(ed) to be with him I know I’ll never be 100% satisfied. Not with the way things were. Maybe that comes from years of imagining what it is I want. There are certain things I have trouble compromising on. I know I got really distracted by his presence, and his affection, and definitely his attention and I ignored so much that would have been a deal breaker with anyone else. I think I enjoyed the fact that we kept coming back to each other. As if that meant it was something special. What it probably meant is that we’re both freaken insane and need to grow up and stop being stupid.

I believe a big part of what’s keeping me from letting go [besides the fact that he was so many firsts for me, as simple as they were] is that with as much as he joked about looking deep into my soul I actually accidentally saw into his. I keep trying to convince myself that I imagined that whole thing. That I didn’t see anything real in his eyes. That it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not he’s scared to connect emotionally. But damn it, I just can’t seem to form a convincing argument. The only way I’d ever believe it is if there were something concrete. Something irrefutable. I’ve forever and always claimed that I felt like I could see behind the facade to the parts of people that they don’t even realize they’re showing. He won’t be the first, or the last person, I feel that with. So I can’t convince myself that I didn’t see any of that.

I’m not sure I’ll ever really know where his head was at. I don’t think he’ll share that with me. And I’m trying to accept that at some point I’m going to have to fully move on. I think I’m getting closer every day. The more time that passes the easier it feels you know. But when I picture finding someone else I also picture comparing them to him. At least to the connection I felt with him. We spent like seven months on this crazy intense roller coaster. That doesn’t mean nothing. Shoot, that’s longer than some people’s full-fledged relationships!

I just need to continue to work my way through this. I know it won’t be the last time I mention it. This is so cathartic and so very helpful for me. Putting my thoughts into words helps me to sort them and figure out exactly what it is that I’m thinking. Because I can replay the words over and over in my mind, or I can imagine every possible scenario of running into him again, but that doesn’t help me put my thoughts in order. It’s like talking to a therapist in here, but without the talking back or any of the advice. ha. Works for me.

It’s probably time to post this and just continue on another day. The thoughts will work themselves out. At some point I will find a way to move on, with or without any closure. [But it doesn’t help that every damn mother f*cker around this town owns a brownish colored chevy/gmc and I’m forever wondering if it’s him in the driver’s seat…] It’ll all be okay. It will all work out the way it’s supposed to. I don’t want to continue to let my world be consumed by this but I don’t want to be so hard on myself either. It is what it is. That’s ok.

It’s all ok.

rose.
10:41pm