I hate you so much right now in In other news

I ran today. My knee is fucked. I had to hobble 2 miles home.

I hate that I’m pushing myself too hard

I hate that I’ve been greedy and self indulgent to the point that this is an issue

I hate that I didn’t try sooner and harder to lose weight

I hate that this is an issue for us

I hate this fucking process

I hate being out of control

I hate that I’m the kind of person who goes for what they want and doesn’t stop til they get it, I feel like that mentality is hindering me not helping

I hate that I’ve put a self imposed time scale on myself to get this done by

I hate that I feel better than ever in a lot of respects, I’m thinner than I’ve been in a good while, my clothes are hanging off me, there is progress in inches, and I can’t enjoy it because those inches don’t seem to be translating to numbers on the scale

I hate that this is an obsession. Everything I eat now comes with an emotion attached. I feel good about eating what I know I should, I beat myself up for going out and enjoying myself and eating something I shouldn’t

I hate that I hate myself.

I am not failing. I am winning. I have taken control. The things I am doing are productive. I’m running. I’m swimming. I’m eating right. While trying to maintain some kind of life at the same time. Around night shifts. It’s fucking hard work and I’m not giving up. When joey eats crisps, while saying we’re in it together, I don’t punch him in the face, I eat my apple and get on with it.

And to end the self loathing with the world’s thinnest silver lining - some kids lost their ball over the school fence as I was hobbling past, I hobbled to retrieve it and throw it back. I was also wearing my ‘my unicorn made me do it’ t shirt, and currently have purple unicorn hair. Felt like their hero for a little minute when they were saying they liked my tshirt. Self validation through the eyes of a handful of 9 year old girls - I’ll take it today! Hobbled off fairly quickly though, didn’t want to be THAT weirdo hanging round outside the school!

Xx