3:40pm
Let’s see how quickly I can type something up today.
I am currently sitting in the office [on a Saturday! gasp] and we’ll probably head to church a little before 5 so I’ve got about an hour to get some thoughts out. I know it won’t be everything that’s been popping into my head lately. There have been quite a few thoughts just randomly floating through my mind in recent days and if I were smart I’d keep a running list somewhere, but I’m not that quick thinking.
Speaking of quick thinking - let’s start there!
I have realized recently that all these crazy intense thoughts about TF and our situation kinda kept me from making too big of a deal out of CK and the Sheriff. I get that that’s probably a good thing. Had I not had anything else going on I probably would have written all kinds of rambling spiels about each of them. All these other thoughts stopped me from doing that though. Perhaps it’s good not to overanalyze these situations but I kinda like working my way through them. It’s nice to see what sort of impact a person has on your life. Like as of right now I have no idea why the Sheriff came back into my world. I don’t know if that’s because I haven’t sat down to think about it all or just because it hasn’t been revealed to me yet. Usually I know pretty quickly with these people. I mean I knew exactly what he meant in my world when he showed up last year. This year…I’m not sure. All the comments made him seem like he was interested in at least getting to know me better, but he certainly didn’t take advantage of being in town and he hasn’t tried to keep in touch with me at all. Just like last year. I don’t have high hopes for that one.
I read all these astrology things right? And I remember reading something at the beginning of the year that said my “life path number” or whatever you call it for this year meant that I would be revisiting the past a lot. Like people would come back into my life, or situations from about 2 years ago would finally be dealt with. Stuff like that. I’m totally paraphrasing here because I don’t remember all of what it said. I just remember that basic premise. And I’ll be damned if it didn’t happen!
Who in the world would have guessed that CK would come back this year? Especially out of nowhere to work with us like that. You could have bet me a million dollars and I would have been in debt to you for the rest of my life. It was completely unexpected. I seriously had not heard a single word from him since he left town almost 2 years prior. I’d sat with that handful of unanswered text messages, and I’d processed and written out my thoughts over and over, and I’d finally found a way to move on last year [Thank you Sheriff!!] and there he was again. Out of the blue just calling to say hi and wanting to come in to see us at the office. I still have trouble believing it.
Honestly, with how little time I actually spent thinking about it after he walked out the door, between being super busy and these other thoughts, it doesn’t even feel real. It doesn’t even feel like he was actually sitting in here talking to us as if no time at all had passed between us.
I’m also a little annoyed that he did not come back to hang out like he said he wanted to. It would have been nice to catch up over an ice cold beer like old times. I always imagined we’d do that some day. Hang out in the courtyard and swap stories on everything that we’ve done since we were last in the same space. I would have loved to hear all about Alaska. Actually, I imagined what that conversation would be like a lot after he left. I’d play all these scenarios in my head about what it would feel like to sit next to him again. About what I’d do and say. I always sorta imagined that I’d confess to having a crush on him back then. Now I see why that didn’t happen. It was never supposed to happen between us. I knew that. I was just desperately looking to connect, as I always seem to be.
Oh well though. This year has really been the year of learning that guys have terrible freaken follow through. Seriously! Three guys. The only three guys that I’ve even remotely been interested in in my life and all three of them talked a big game and not a single one of them followed through on that talk. Who knew men were like this?!? I certainly had no idea!
Which also leads me to the fact that I need to constantly remind myself that people do not think and feel about the world the way that I do! I think this comes from the fact that I don’t know a lot of people. I don’t meet a lot of new people, or really spend time with anyone and I think that leads me to forget that people are different. They’re mostly similar in their own ways, but they’re different than I am.
I just go for sh*t. And I forget to stop and think about it because I get so wrapped up so quickly that I just want it all right now! Which I guess is what TF meant about being “overzealous” just in two very different ways. In our particular case I wanted all the emotional connections RIGHT NOW and he wanted all the physical ones. I don’t blame the guy - I’m sexy as hell in my tight jeans! ;) hah. But what happens after that? At some point you have to stop to talk to each other and I need to have something to say. That kind of connection can’t continue on that strongly forever. It’s bound to fade and then what? You just walk away and find someone new? I don’t think I could do that.
I’m telling y’all that I was born in the wrong generation! I would have done so well back in the day when you met a guy, he courted you and showed he was interested, you got married, and then you stuck it out no matter what because you could always find a way to compromise and be good together. I could have been good at that! My loyalty is unwavering once you get it.
Dating these days is insane to me! Everyone is just hooking up all over the place! The more I read about it [entries on PB] and hear about it, the more I realize that I just cannot do that. I’m not made for that. As much as I want to meet a lot of people and experience a lot of different situations; I cannot date in this generation/century. I’m not made for quick superficial connections. I need way more substance. This isn’t just in dating either. In general I need real true connections. I can’t handle the bs surface stuff. What’s the point in that? I’m not looking to have a bunch of surface connections. I want to know what makes you tick. The ins and outs of your mind. All of it. Anything less feels like a waste of time, at least in terms of being a part of someone’s life. I have the grocery store check out line for bs like that.
The thing I need to realize/remember is that not everyone is as willing as I am to dive right in beyond that surface. People don’t actually like to share that part of themselves. Or they don’t even recognize that they have it. Making connections like that might be scary for the average human. Not that I’m not average, but I’m just starting to see that people do not interact that way. I am so willing to jump in and tell someone everything when I meet the right person and I guess maybe it’ll be a while before I find someone else who’s willing to do the same.
So I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m not made for dating because there are too few people that are willing to connect on the same level that I need. I wasn’t looking for it before TF. I was curious, sure, but all of this has solidified the fact that I am not made for dating around. I’m not interested in that. I’d like to go back to the way I was and not worry about any of this. If someone comes along some day that I can actually connect with then fine that’s perfect! But I don’t feel like seeking that out anymore. It’s too much for me to handle. I have to accept that and move on.
I also know that I need to find a way to move on from TF and all these thoughts. I would really like to see him again in person though in order to do this whole moving on thing. I don’t know why, but I really feel like I need to see him. I need to look in his eyes. What the hell that would answer, I have no idea! But I need this. I need to see him. And I’m sure that’ll happen eventually and I’ll find a way to get whatever closure I need.
I do miss him though. I miss his touch especially. And I think that’s ok to say. I don’t know why I was fighting that so hard. Like I didn’t want to admit that I missed him but there’s nothing wrong with that. He was very special in my world. I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the way his hand felt in mine. I’d been waiting all my life for that moment. I can’t pretend it didn’t exist. Even if it was only a brief moment, it was there and I will miss it. That’s ok. It’s ok to admit all of this. Say it, acknowledge it, and move on. That’s just the way it goes. It’s just the way it has to go.
I’m doing better, by the way. Little by little life is returning to normal. It’s returning to the way it was, but in an enhanced version of itself. Happy Life 2.0 perhaps? And I’m so ready to experience it!
rose.
9:32pm
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