Frustrated as hell in In other news

That is my overwhelming emotion lately.

Night shifts AGAIN. These have been particularly torturous, long nights pleading with a dementia lady to stay in bed so she doesn’t fall. Long nights of checking a blood sugar every hour for the patient on the glucose/insulin infusion. Long nights with too much to do and not enough time to do it in.

Weight loss has come to a grinding halt. I’m running, I’m swimming, I’ve lost inches for sure. But the number on the scale is not budging. Loud Sue from work gave me her slimming world ‘bible’, so I’ll be sitting over the weekend with that and making a food plan for next week. It’s frustrating that the IVF criteria is based on BMI rather than any other measurement. It’s the only thing holding us up currently. My weight aside, we’re good to go, and I think that’s starting to get to me too, that it’s me holding us back.

Joey. Where do I start. He still hasn’t told me what happened over the weekend that resulted in him not putting out. He insists nothing is up and everything is fine and to all intents and purposes it is, we’re good, we’ve even had quite a lot of conversations about our future and marriage and things.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned but I’m certain he’s on the autistic spectrum. He said he’s done quite a few tests in work and they all concur, but he’s never pursued it in any serious way. He had a talk, ‘the’ talk with my dad a couple of weeks ago, to ask permission to propose. I wish I didn’t know, because he has an idea when he’s going to do it and I’m on pins waiting, but he just couldn’t cope with the anxiety of asking my dad and keeping it a secret from me. I feel like ignorance would be bliss but he needed my support. I didn’t know how I’d feel if we got to this point, but it’s actually quite exciting, and he’s surprised me by asking about rings because he wants to get it right, although we did have a good chat about the cost not being important and its what the ring symbolises about promises for the future that matters. I hope that was a bit of a weight off his mind. I’m sure, like many women, I’ve joked with him about having to spend a months wages etc. on the ring but when I showed him the kind of thing I like, and he realised it wouldn’t bankrupt him, well hopefully it reassured him.

Maybe that’s what’s weighing on his mind. Or maybe even though I tried to keep the pressure to a minimum by giving him plenty of notice about my impending ovulation he still felt the pressure too much. He doesn’t deal with things the same way as the average person due to what I feel are his autistic traits. I find it incredibly frustrating to deal with sometimes although the more I focus on that as a reason for some of the issues we have in our relationship from time to time the easier it is to accept that we just have to approach things differently. Or maybe I have to approach things differently. Getting angry with him doesn’t really work because he just shuts down and can’t cope with the heightened emotion. Which in turn makes me even angrier because I feel like he’s dismissive.

We’ve both been trying harder to communicate better which I do appreciate and I have told him that I know he finds certain things difficult however I do expect him to at least try and meet me in the middle, because I feel like he uses it as an excuse sometimes for things he just doesn’t want to do rather than actually struggles to do. His response of ‘you don’t miss a trick’ confirmed that for me!

Work is also particularly frustrating. One of our members of staff has stepped outside of their remit and done something they shouldn’t have regarding medication. It’s resulted in the whole ward being dragged individually into meetings with the head honcho of nursing, to interrogate us about what we know. Very few of us knew anything and were totally surprised, and of the handful that did know, only one person actually admitted to knowing and allowing the person in question to do something they really shouldn’t have been.

It’s unfair on the majority of staff who were completely unaware and would never have allowed it to happen had they known. The whole ward is under suspicion and on the radar with the big wigs. We have a reputation as being the best ward in the hospital in terms of care, compassion, and actually complying with policies - no missed meds that should have been given but haven’t, no infections from cannulas that have been left in too long because we actually use the appropriate paperwork and keep up to date with it. We were the only ward in the hospital to be awarded a Gold award, which is like a clinical excellence award. And because of one person doing something which they shouldn’t have, the whole ward is under suspicion and the whole ward is being subject to spot checks, plus there is the most horrendous atmosphere, with people being suspicious of each other and feeling like they don’t know who they can trust.

On the other hand, I feel like this person has really been let down by management. They’ve been allowed to do extra training and take on extra duties, to the point that when we’re not running at full capacity staff wise both ward managers have been known to say it’s ok cos A is in so they can do this and that and take some of the pressure off. I don’t think anyone would disagree that the thing this person has done is a step too far and is outside their job remit. I also don’t think many people are genuinely surprised that this has happened, obviously a little shocked but I think the consensus on the whole is that it’s been allowed to be a natural progression. If someone is already working in an extended role that has no specific boundaries, that has no job specification, and isn’t really something that’s widely done within their grade, who takes responsibility for that?

I personally don’t feel that it’s this persons responsibility, I feel like it’s management’s responsibility for allowing this person to take on the extra duties, and not just recently but for months and months. I feel A has been made a scapegoat in some respects in that management have basically turned round and said they’ve had concerns all along about the extended job role. I don’t know how they can justify saying that when they have to authorise the training, and at no point have they set out clear guidelines about what is expected/allowed and what shouldn’t be done. It’s basically a whole big mess of crap caused by poor management over several months.

I’m also really hacked off that in writing this, I don’t know if it’s ‘safe’ to post it. I’ve had my posts used against me in a personal capacity by a vindictive ex. While I hadn’t told him specifically about writing here I hadn’t kept it a secret either as I don’t feel like it should be a secret. I’ve written since the OD days, and in a paper diary before that, and can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t write. It’s not elegant or award winning by any stretch but it’s invaluable for my mental health, to have a place where I can get my stuff out of my head. It’s probably not very interesting a lot of the time and although it’s for me, I’ve always liked the idea of the community, that maybe something I write, or something I read, ignites a little spark or strikes a little chord. I don’t feel like I should have to censor myself, so I won’t, but it does make me feel anxious and wonder if I do reveal too much and leave myself exposed.

Xx