Long shot in The ugly truth about making babies

You guys, I don’t even know where to start. I feel bereft and so so angry right now.

After my hycosy last month meaning clear and open tubes, and with joey having done dry January and his sperm being in tip top condition, this month was our best shot of ever conceiving naturally. In fact probably our only chance of conceiving naturally. A very teeny tiny slim chance, barely a chance at all, but one we should have taken.

I don’t know what was going on with joey, I gave him a weeks notice that I was ovulating this past weekend so it wasn’t a massive sudden pressure, and he wouldn’t put out. We didn’t have sex once. I know it’s not romantic to have sex on demand which is why I gave him so much notice. We planned some things like nice nights out so we wouldn’t just be sitting here waiting for the right moment etc.

I’m trying really hard not to resent him right now. I’m trying really hard to keep it together but I feel like this was my only chance of conceiving naturally. I know if I’m being honest this probably wouldn’t have worked but right now this is a massive regret that we’ve missed this opportunity. That he’s caused us to miss this opportunity.

I know I said I was fine with the ivf, and I am, I always have been. But if someone offers you a slim glimmer of hope that you don’t have to go through that heartache and pain you should grab it with both hands. I feel like joey doesn’t understand that. Didn’t understand that. I’m angry that we had a tiny ray of hope. I could have accepted us trying and it not working cos it would have been the longest shot anyway. But to always wonder what might have been, whether it might have worked, I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me to accept that.

It’s just driving me crazy. I’m doing everything I can to lose weight, and it’s coming off slowly but surely. I’ve denied myself all things sweet, as much alcohol as I can avoid given that we’ve had a billion events lately, I’ve taken porridge to eat on my night shift so I don’t eat the crisps and biscuits that litter the desk, and he couldn’t do this one thing for me. I just feel so upset by it all. I’ve cried on and off for the last two days, knowing the chance has passed us by.

I’ll never conceive naturally. Any child joey and I have will definitely be a test tube baby. Our one chance is gone. How do I just accept that and move on knowing we didn’t take advantage of the opportunity?

Xx