1.) I know that there’s a line between self-awareness and self-absorption but I also know that I don’t know where that line is.
2.) Pronounce Wimbleton “Wibbleton” and when challenged, proclaim that Wibbleton is actually the proper British pronounciation.
3.) Dear facebook, I would like a “hide every ticker ever, no matter how many you come up with, hide all forever” button please.
4.) Your metal band will dress in Tron costumes and call itself “Ion Maiden”.
5.) Your MMORPG country and western hit will be called “Save A Mount, Ride A Drow, Boy!”
6.) We never got a Magnum PI/Remington Steele crossover called “Magnum and Steele” and c’mon, that’s a gimmie.
7.) He lied that he saw a UFO not because he was crazy or wanted money or even as a prank. He just wanted for something about him to be special.
8.) When someone is showing off their fancy expensive celly ask “Oh man, is it that new one that lets you make phone calls?” Then leave.
9.) Mirror mirror are you water, is this saucepan getting hotter? It’s too slow to strictly call, the Fahrenheit to rule us all,
10.) Your Oculus Rift game about being a master chef will be called Victual Reality.
11.) The historical Paul Bunyan. The historical Batman. The historical Pippi Longstocking. Will people debate them too, some day?
12.) How to bring youtube to its knees. 1: get the phrases “hi guys” & “hey guys” declared your intellectual property. 2: there is no 2.
13.) I want a more honest marketing campaign for Starbucks like “Starbucks: Hey, At Least It’s Strong”.
14.) Your epic poem “Howell” will begin: I saw the best minds of my generation, shipwrecked, lost, washed-up on uncharted desert isles…
15.) Make your mind a supercollider, crash ideas together at the speed of light, bathe yourself in the spray, find the new things still unnamed.
16.) Maybe Aunt May is a mutant with the power to never die but the power doesn’t stop her from aging.
17.) If the aliens turn out to have evolved from watermelons, Gallagher is screwed.
18.) Another parody idea with no audience: Cyndi Lauper’s “Goonies R Good Enough” about Boris Godunov.
19.) My head needs a decompression bandage.
20.) I like to think that if they were a couple today, Tom and Roseanne’s couple portmanteau would be “Barrnold”.
21.) If you’re trying to be uplifting, you’re technically making elevator music.
22.) Yeah, we gotta sell to eat but letting yourself confuse “successful commodification” with “success” will kill you inside, kill me inside.
23.) The best way to name your new sub-genre is to declare “(name of new sub-genre) is dead!”
24.) You can be convinced that anything before your memory is “just the natural way” so stay wary or, at least, have a long memory.
25.) Hook a talk box up to a guitar. Moan “brains” gently into it for about 70 minutes. Call it “Frampton Becomes Undead”.
26.) I feel like my fate is to do an intensely good X-Men’s Beast/Chewbacca mash-up costume at a con some day.
27.) The first rule of Yacht Club is wear your monocle to yacht club.
28.) The only way the pregnant giraffe would’ve interested me would’ve been if she gave birth to Raffi.
29.) Carve the open road into my soul like a body is carved an open wound, rolling out of waves of steel, I wanna be as lonely as I feel.