Hit the ground running in Eyes on the prize

I’ve had a good almost 48 hours to contemplate what the consultant said about losing more weight.

Yes I feel like it’s unfair. I feel like I’ve been kicked while I’m down. I feel like my weight wouldn’t be a consideration if we could conceive naturally. I feel like I’m letting joey down. And I feel determined.

I’ve always been the kind of person who if they want something, finds a way to make it happen. First born, over achiever, competitive, stubborn, determined.

I went home and got into bed, cried myself to sleep, had a shit sleep for 2 hours, cried all afternoon. Came into work and cried on my colleagues, I was exhausted and feeling sorry for myself.

I did however have sushi when I got up for lunch, and a salad for my tea before I came to work.

I hate it and hate being made to feel shit about my body at a time when I need to have more confidence in it than I ever have, confidence that it will be able to do what it’s supposed to to nurture a tiny embryo that has been put there unnaturally.

And even though I hate it I’ll do it. I’ll eat the fucking salad, I’ll sit on night shifts surrounded by munchies and watch my colleagues tuck into them. I’ll eat my sachet of porridge with no sugar and keep telling myself what I told joey tonight, when he text me apologising for putting this pressure on me - we want a baby, this is how we’ll have one. I’ve always done what it takes to get what I want, always been prepared to do the hard work, this is no different. We just need to get our shit together and keep moving forward.

I got my running pants and shoes out last night before I came to work. I categorically cannot run when I work nights, I’ve tried before and made it about half a mile down the road before crying and walking home. But I can run on Friday when I’m off and every day I’m off. I can get up and get dressed and get out running before I’ve given myself chance to think about it.

I’m going this afternoon to join the gym. Not necessarily to gym but to swim. I can swim a mile in an hour, I can do that as many days a week as I like if I have a membership and I won’t bankrupt myself. It costs a fiver to swim, every time if you pay by individual visit. Five quid. No wonder people are fat, that’s scandalous. So twenty something pound a month is a good compromise if I swim 4 times a week.

One of my colleagues was telling me a friend of theirs has given up on the idea of ivf cos they can’t be bothered losing the weight they need to. Giving up on having a family of our own isn’t something I personally could contemplate, or forgive myself for. You spend your life fighting for your kid once you have them, our fight is just starting earlier than most people’s has to.

I have a few things planned over the next few weeks which involve eating and drinking out, and I won’t give them up. I’m more aware than ever after my total meltdown yesterday that I need to take good care of my mental health. I can make better choices though. Gin and slimline tonic instead of creamy cocktails. Loads of water. Choosing something less calorific off the menu. Not having dessert. Having salad instead of carbs as a side.

Joey was amazed that I literally started as soon as I woke up yesterday. But I have to. This has to be a state of mind. It could quite easily be something I put off and put off, telling myself I’ll start next week, or after joeys birthday, or after something else that would be an excuse. But every day I put it off is a day longer that we have to wait for treatment and a day longer that I feel like a fat little failure and it’s not a nice way to feel.

I feel like now I’ve simmered down from the initial emotion of it all and been able to take a step back, I’m ok with it. It’s just another hoop to jump through. And you know what, I’m luckier than most. I’ve got so much support, so many people wishing us well and willing me on. I cried on my lovely colleague Vicky on Monday night and when she came in on Tuesday she’d bought me tulips to cheer me up. Loud Sue from work brought me in her slimming world book to have a look at for inspiration. She said she’s lost 22lb so far this time because she’s been doing it properly. So many hugs. So much encouragement.

When we do eventually get there, if it does work and we have our baby, it’s going to be so loved. And that’s what’s spurring me on.

Xx