Kick me while I'm down in The ugly truth about making babies

We had our meeting with the consultant today. Essentially he’s very nice but has basically told me I need to lose another stone in weight to qualify for NHS funding. That’s in addition to the 10lbs I’d lost already.

So yeh, it was a bit of a kick in the teeth, like hey, you’re infertile, and you’re also a fat bitch. And just so you don’t think you get off Scott free, joey you also need to not put on an ounce or you’ll be a fat bastard and you’ll be out the criteria weight range that they’ve just introduced for men.

The stupid thing is if we could conceive naturally noone would give two fucks about our weight cos we are both healthy weights. BMI has a lot to answer for. It’s an absolute shit way of assessing anyone’s healthy weight cos all it takes into account is height and weight and absolutely no other factors.

I just feel like I’ve been told I’m too fat to be a Mum. When I’m not actually fat at all. I know in real terms all he’s said is take 6 weeks, focus on losing the weight and come back then and it’ll all go swimmingly but I genuinely feel like I’m letting joey down, like I’m holding us up. In reality again, all he’s done is delay our ivf education session from may until June and actually it doesn’t have any real impact on the plan going forward because we’re away the first two weeks in august so couldn’t start treatment until after that anyway.

It just feels like we already have to jump through so many hoops just to have a family when there are irresponsible people getting knocked up left right and centre and just having to deal with the consequences. We would love to be in that position.

I understand that it’s a massive investment that they’re making. Thousands of pounds worth of treatment. And they want to protect that investment. I get it. But you know what, I went straight to the appointment from a night shift, I’m bloody knackered, and it just feels very unfair right now. I’ve brave faced it this far, I’ve been positive, jovial even, but you know what, I can’t do that today. I’m sad and pissed off that we’re in this shitty situation. I’m angry that we’re prepared to put ourselves through physical and emotional hell, telling ourselves it’ll all be worth it in the end, when there’s no guarantee that it will be worth it. We could do all this and still end up with nothing. These are the thoughts I don’t like to think, the ones I try really hard to avoid thinking. I know full well the power of positivity, and negativity for that matter.

But today, today I’m done. Physically and emotionally drained. Two more night shifts to work, I don’t know how I’m going to get through them right now.

Xx