3:03pm
Yesterday I wrote a really long entry and some how in the craziness of taking care of clients and leaving too many windows open, I came back on here and it was gone. Just disappeared into thin air. I have no idea what happened. Like one minute I looked at the screen and it was all written out and the next minute it had dwindled back down to the original draft I’d saved the day before. I was so bummed out and actually kinda pissed. I hadn’t wanted to write the words in the first place. It had taken a lot to find the motivation to get them all written out. Then to lose all that really sucked. I said some choice words and saved it to the original draft and I may or may not get back to it later.
Don’t you just hate that? Like you can’t ever say those exact words again the way they were originally written. I know most of the topics, but my consciousness won’t run down that same stream this time.
Oh well.
I heard from TF this morning. Around 10am I was standing around the front desk and the phone rang. I said, “oh look at that, the phone’s ringing.” It was the first call of the day, which was a surprise. I leaned over to glance at the number on the 2nd ring and the split second glance had my heart pounding. My adrenaline shot up and a million thoughts ran through my head. I’d already been considering what I wanted to say [yay being an introvert and practicing conversations that don’t exist!] but you know that goes right out the window once you’re in the middle of things.
I gave my answering spiel and I heard him say, in his solemn quiet serious voice, “Hi Rosa.” And I said, “It’s Rose.” TF: Hi Rose. Me: But I think she was looking for you. TF: Who? Me: Rosa TF: Who? Me: Rosa. You know, my mom? TF: Oh. I thought you were looking for me. Me: No. She left you a message. TF: I haven’t checked my messages Me: What are you calling about then? TF: I got a check in the mail. Me: For what year? TF: [Year] Me: Oh. Can you send us a picture of it? TF: Yeah I can send you a picture. Me: Ok. What about this year. TF: Yeah. The deposit finally hit my account. Me: Oh ok. I think that’s what she was calling you about. TF: Ok. I’ll send you the picture. Me: Ok. TF: Ok. Bye.
And we hung up and that was the end of that.
Within about 10 minutes I checked the email accounts to see if he’d sent the picture. I wasn’t sure where he was going to send it. Since there was nothing in either email account [work or personal] I grabbed my phone to see if he’d sent a text. I found two messages and figured they were from him. I pulled up the list and was about to click on TF’s number when I saw that one message was from my brother saying he started a Netflix account [nice to know he’s alive] and the other was from TF from about 9:45am. “Guess what jerk just got a nice check the mail.” I was guessing that because I didn’t respond he decided to call the office. But later I was scrolling through the caller ID and saw that he’d called the office around 8:40 this morning. Silly guy. All this time and he doesn’t know we don’t open until 9am?
sidenote: It was either some time yesterday, or in the early morning hours when I can’t sleep [and a stupid earthquake hits right as you’re drifting off again!], that I was telling myself I seriously needed to not dwell on this so much. The world really will work itself out. And I thought that eventually he’d have to get in touch because we still have this open case and he’ll get a letter or something that he’ll need to bring in. At least there was that right? That he’d come in eventually. And guess who finds a check in the mail this morning? The universe gets me again!
Well, he emailed us the picture about an hour later and then around noon I sent a text back saying that he was right about being a jerk, I wouldn’t argue with that, but it was nice that all the office phone calls were paying off. He said that yeah we were doing a great job and I told him not to flatter me now. We’ve already done most of the work and I still think he’s certain words I can’t say because ladies don’t curse. He laughed and said that was funny and then within a couple minutes he repeated “that’s funny.” I finally responded and said that apparently it was funny enough to repeat it twice and that I wasn’t trying to be funny. That it must be nice not to have any feelings [his words, I’m just borrowing]. He responded, “I have feelings.” And I said “Ok.”
Although what I really wanted to say was “ok, so you just don’t give a shit about hurting mine.” But whatever. He always does that shit. Says “OK” instead of giving me anything to respond to. I’ll pass along a little of his own medicine I guess. I want to keep the conversation going because I want to know what the heck happened. I don’t know how to do that without getting wrapped up in it again though. He makes it seem so easy. Like he gets to just say he’s a jerk and act all sad on the phone and then we move on? I mean is that what he’s expecting?
I have to keep reminding myself to not fall back into this. It sucks. And it takes a lot of freaken self-control. Thank God I always seem to have plenty of that. But I don’t like it. I just want to be able to enjoy this without all the freaken drama. Why doesn’t life work out that easily?
rose.
5:23pm
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