the tides of march in idea barrages

1.) The fatal flaw in Howard Stern’s “Fartman” pitch was, of course, that he didn’t go with the more elegant title “Buttman”.

2.) God, I’d prefer a culture war. This is no culture war. This is a war between culture and people who do not believe in that idea at all.

3.) The reason they keep saying “Stroke!” on rowing teams is because that’s what I’d have after about five minutes of it.

4.) Like elderly Inuit abandoned for the sake of the tribe, we the art-bums are often forced to do it for the exposure.

5.) Something even my far-right friends grudgingly respect and seems to mystify my friends on the fringe-left is I’m a particular kind of lefty that doesn’t get much play anymore. I am a dyed-in-the-wool Bleeding Heart. Whatever works to minimize suffering and inequity now and to increase that project in the future, I’m for. I’m not a movementarian, I’m not a radical, I’m not a reactionary, I’m a Bleeding Heart. I’m not chaotic or lawful, I’m neutral good, whatever can practically work to minimize pain and injustice now and keep doing it down the line, I’m for it. I don’t need representatives that are personally or ideologically pure, I don’t need representatives that completely agree with me. Whatever works in the real world to lessen suffering, whatever can realistically be done, that’s what I want. I am a Bleeding Heart and I think there are more of us than anyone on the radical left or the reactionary right or even in the squishy get-along-to-get-along middle want to admit. Don’t get caught up in purity purges or the savagery of self-interest. I am a Bleeding Heart and I just want the world to hurt less. Bleed with me. Let’s bleed for this world together.

6.) saw Dick Cheney/he was walkin his wifes dog/doin the WhiteGuysInSuburbs/saw Liz Cheney too/walkin her wifes dog/doin the WhiteGuysInSuburbs

7.) Cons of dating me: I’m chubby & I ain’t got money. Pros of dating me: everything else, I can spin a castle of dreams where you can be queen.

8.) All I can tell you is that if the porno is called “Hot Fudge Sunday” it’s probably not for me.

9.) Consumers who get conned because they believe that ad couldn’t lie, it’s on the teevee, they should be called “trustomers”.

10.) Will The Matrix reboot explain how MRA-idiots managed to twist the work of two trans directors into a memetic of alt-reich misogyny?

11.) Satan lies in a tub with a broken goat-leg. The Lord of Lies clutches a button and yells “I’ve Fallen From God’s Grace & I Can’t Get Back!”

12.) Time is a test you can’t take pass-fail. You will always fail and it’ll always pass.

13.) Your website for reviewing health food stories will be called Kelp.

14.) A series of “Edgy” Jolly Rancher ads starring a farmer who is clearly being fellated by someone just below the camera frame.

15.) They pined for the days before the complexities of Clearasil and Oxycution, they longed for pimpler times.

16.) A parody of Volare about the poison in all the old detective stories “curare” would probably please myself and only myself.

17.) He was far too thin to be the Buddha, she thought to herself, he’s a bony satva at best.

18.) Thanks (?) to the cinema snob I am surprised to discover there was more than one season of that sitcom “Joey”.

19.) Older I get, the less “plot” interests me. I’m more interested in people and places and themes. Guess that’s why I’m doing comedy & poetry.

20.) In slumber, I’m standing on the arms of the Williamsburg Bridge and I wake up screaming “hey man, I miss Babylon”. Truuue dreams of NYC.

21.) There is no bigger scumbag than one who uses cries of “free press!” to prop up totalitarian regimes. Slob my hog, Julian Assange.

22.) I know you were but what was I?

23.) Wal-Mart is a wood-tick on the ass of the body American. Engorged to the point of near-bursting. What a necessary mess will be the pop.

24.) Kid in the waiting room watching youtube play throughs, myself and my Hunter Thompson paperback. Same escape, different generation.

25.) “Tebow” is old English for “horrifying publicity stunt”.

26.) Under the radar of much more Important Madness, the internet has devalued “WTF” to mean the mildest vaguest surprise.

27.) Won by three million votes despite illegal intervention by the FBI & Kremlin, still wasn’t seated as president. That glass ceiling’s thick.

28.) I am still surprised that guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones never tried starting a music show called Boston City Limits.

29.) The point of no return was when “gamer” became an identity instead of just “a person who plays video games”. After that, madness.

30.) Change your name to “Nonlawyer Spokesperson” then just let the work acting in television ads roll in.

31.) It turns out tea isn’t the leaves on tiny bushes. It accumulates from the sweat of factory workers and they shake it into little bags.

32.) If only there hadn’t been the B-movie actor, “Tab Hunter” would be a really honest name for a metal detector brand.

33.) The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people they could make the truth fake just by declaring it so.

34.) I’ve come to realize that Tim Curry is like a Silly Putty copy of the actual boss Vincent Price, left to warp in the noonday sun.

35.) If your porn parody of the live-action remake doesn’t involve Belle getting a Beast Infection, you didn’t try at all.

36.) Is EVERY “addiction recovery” ad a Scientology scam or only like 98% of them?

37.) Lemme just fire up the External Validation machine… logs onto Twitter

38.) When they say “America” they mean “the richest white men in America” so in that terrible hideous way, they’re kind of not lying?

39.) “I’ve got a bunch of foul-smelling sea animal and cabbage lying around, how can I trick white people into paying for thi… FISH TACO!”

40.) Exception That Proves The Rule is exemplified by the fact that the ONLY correct opinion Trump holds is that SNL hasn’t been good in decades.

41.) I like to think B.B. King’s guitar talks to him in a voice only he can hear and that voice is the voice of Fran Drescher as The Nanny.

42.) I almost want to be able to transmit scents electronically just for the “smellular phones” gag.

43.) My empathy switch got welded in the “on” position by loss when I was young. Fuels my anxiety. But I start to realize I’m not the wrong one.

44.) This is what happens when we buy into “I’m too pure to vote for someone imperfect but sane”. The bastards win.