Sunshine calls in 2017

9:51am

Today’s a better day. A much better day!

I’m starting to wonder if these mood swings aren’t in part due to the weather and lack of sunshine. I’ve just been stuck inside this office almost every single day since January 3rd and there are a lot of windows but I’m not getting enough sunlight. There’s light sure, but the sun only hits the windows in the afternoon and only for like an hour before it dips behind the mountains. Just enough to heat up the entire office by like 10 degrees and then disappear.

That one day off yesterday was glorious for me, despite the lost hour of time. I don’t think I even made it into the kitchen until almost 11am. I’m not sure what time it was exactly but I know that it took a lot to drag myself out of bed. I was so comfortable and relaxed. I really needed that. But eventually I got up and washed a couple dishes, made coffee, opened up all the curtains to let the light in, got dressed, and headed out back with two mugs of coffee to find my mother. She’d been outside for at least an hour already pulling weeds and tending to our neglected backyard. She took her coffee and sat on the swing while I opted to sit right there on the center planter in the full sun.

Ahhh such amazing sun! I knew it was going to be a warm day so I’d thrown on a tank top [that actually fit quite well - perhaps working out is paying off!] and feeling that sunshine on my skin was exactly what I needed/wanted. It felt so good! Just sitting there sipping my coffee. I could not have asked for much more in that moment. And the whole day felt that way. Despite all the thoughts I have running through my head, the day went perfectly. I cannot wait until I get to have so many days like that!

I sat out there like that for a while. Talking to mom. Watching her and her amazing green thumb. [I try not to think too much about what I’ll do if I ever lose that lady. But I watch her, and I try to memorize her every move, and I hope and pray that those memories never fade and that someday I’ll turn out half as amazing as she is…]
Then I went inside to find a shirt and came back out to mow the front lawn. I still haven’t quite learned to be comfortable enough to wear tight tank tops around other people.

sidenote: Speaking of being comfortable in my own skin. I happened to see one of those entries from a year ago and holy cow what a difference! I mean, I was so self-conscious and had such terrible self-esteem. The one entry I saw mentioned how TF had flirted with me and I thought there was no way a guy like that could be interested in me because I felt so bad about myself. I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel that way anymore, which is amazing! I’d never think that now! Now I think everyone loves me because I’m so freaken awesome! ha. ;)

Anyway I mowed the lawn, and cleaned stuff up, and then even though I had not had breakfast yet I decided it was too hot to not sit down and have my post-work beer. =) Mom said that her mother used to say it was best while fasting anyway! haha. So we picked everything up and I went inside to grab a couple beers. It was after 12 anyway. We sat in the courtyard and sipped our beers and spent a little more time in the sunshine. I love those moments. With my feet kicked up on the table and an ice-cold beer in my hand. I’m seriously counting down the days until I’m out of this office and back in that sunshine! Hope’s the only thing that’s keeping me going right now.

After we finished and picked up old decorations from the courtyard [this is what happens when you never have time to even walk through the front of the house - thanksgiving/Christmas decorations get left all over the place until March!]. I went inside and I really wanted to lay back down in my comfy bed but figured I should take a shower first and relax. Out of habit, as I walked towards my closet to find clothes, I poked my phone to see if anyone had tried to get a hold of me. It’s rare, but I don’t usually keep my phone with me when I’m around the house, so I check it when I go by my room. And I saw that I had a new voicemail. Weird! It was almost 1 o’clock. My first thought was my brother, but he’s still not being social, and then assumed it would be my aunt. Those are the only people that call me.
So I grabbed the phone and ignored the voicemail to see the missed call. There was that familiar unsaved number with a neighboring area code. I looked at it, and then clicked over to the list and stared at it some more. It was so strange. Why on earth would he be calling me after ignoring me all week?!

Oh backtrack - I’d sent a text on Saturday night. We were driving to get groceries/dinner and my cousin was with us and she asked if I’d gone out with that guy. It had come up at her birthday party last week because we were supposed to be going to get crab at a place that a couple of the people there really like. I think my mom was the one that brought it up. And we were figuring out who the bartender was, and the waitress they knew, so that I could impress TF you know! =] And I guess my cousin’s dad also asked her that day if I’d ever gone out on that date with that guy [how it turned into a “date” I don’t know!] and so she was curious. I ended up telling her the story of what happened.

At first she was thinking he was a real jerk, all flaky and what not, and then she heard the rest of the story and decided she felt bad for him. Like how awful he must have felt to wake up and suddenly realize that the entire day had passed and he’d slept through our hang out.
Now let’s be real here, I can totally see her point! I felt the same way. The problem was that he didn’t reach out to me until Tuesday, after my text message Monday night! He should have said something to me first thing Monday morning. Like as soon as daylight broke. He should have sent me a text saying he was sorry and that he felt terrible about it. That’s why it bothered me! Not only was the text super late, but he also never apologized. To this very day he has not apologized. Such simple words that could change everything. But I didn’t say any of that to my cousin. Because there’s still a part of me that does not want to paint him in a bad light. [Probably also why I’m always venting in here]

We talked a little more about him. She’s always so curious about everything. But I didn’t give too much info. I don’t want this to be a thing until it becomes a thing because just knowing that they were asking about him makes me feel weird. If things never work out then I’m going to be embarrassed when they ask. So I didn’t even give her a last name because I know she’ll look him up on fb. haha. I tried not to give a first name either [it’s quite uncommon] but it was hard to tell the stories of various people without at least mentioning a first name to separate him. Oh well.

My point was that after that whole talk I reached out to him via text. I said, “remember like 6 months ago when you used to respond to all of my messages? What happened to that guy? =(” No one is going to be surprised to hear that I didn’t get a response. Which is why the phone call was so out of the blue! I guess he’d called like 10 minutes before I walked inside.

I’d spent the morning trying to find ways to convince myself that I needed to let go and move on. I asked the world for help to get me through this. Because I do not want to let go but I know that I need more than this. And I reached a point where I knew that I could in fact move on if given the chance. Like if he disappeared the way CK did, I could totally find a way to get over it eventually. It’s the fact that he keeps coming back that gets me. Because I get a little taste of how great it could be and then he pulls away. It’s such a shitty game to play. So I was all like, I’m done, I’m letting go, let’s all move on. Then I walk in and see that missed call.

Of course. The universe gets me again! =|

There was a voicemail which I’d sat down to listen to. In a weird coincidence the first thing that came up was an old vm that I skipped and it happened to be from him as well. So I listened to that and started to listen to the new one when mom walked by. I haven’t said much to her so I hung up the speaker. Then I called back and it was a bunch of noise, like car noise, and then I hear him say “hello”, and then a pause, and then “hello” again. Apparently he missed the whole “it’s message time” and the lady telling him that I was unavailable and whatever else it says before it tells you to leave a message.

Once that was over I hung up, put my phone away, and didn’t call back. Because he was either going to tell me he’s been busy, or I’m crazy, or he’s sorry, or something else is going on and honestly I didn’t need to hear any of that. It could all wait.

I had to actually go back and look at my phone a few times throughout the rest of the day because I just could not believe that he actually called. Then he didn’t contact me in any other form, which I guess was the surprising part. He didn’t try to text me, or email me, or call again. So it kinda seemed like a fluke. Like maybe he misdialed or something and I found it hard to believe that it was real.

I’m not sure what will happen today. Whether he’ll try to get in touch or not. And I am very hesitant to say that I’m done with this. Because we all know that one look into those bright eyes will have me falling back into it. But he did sorta crush me with his silence. I can’t keep doing that. ha. Not like I haven’t said that before! Seriously though. It’s stupid. You’re either in or you’re out. This is like the exact definition of stringing someone along. I want the whole experience not this teasing game of cat and mouse. I could be doing a lot of other things with my time instead of wasting it on something he doesn’t really want. I’m not sure that walking away will convince him to make up his mind, but he should definitely know that I’m not playing anymore.

It’s hard to believe how quickly this day is flying by! One day closer to another Sunday off! And I better go get all this paperwork for my aunt’s refinance before she gets here. These people are seriously driving me nuts. Just give her the money already! Ugh. I hate dealing with business stuff. There’s never any common sense involved!

I am going to try my very best to stay in this place I’m in now. Even if it means going outside in the middle of the day to soak up the sunshine. It’s supposed to be 84 today. Hello springtime!

rose.
2:26pm

Last updated March 14, 2017