It’s been a draining couple of weeks. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. All around. I’ve had a great convo with J the last couple of days, which has been a definite help. M has also been some help, but she’s still being kind of evasive, and I don’t yet understand why. She’s revealing answers here and there to issues we had in the past but she’s still distant. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s I’m getting that feeling - not helpful.
Today has been a real bitch, emotionally. I have no idea why, but it’s just been loads of ups and downs. Unfortunately, the ups haven’t been high enough to be productive. My ass has been glued to one couch or the other today, and I’ve generally been followed around by both the cat and the dog - that tells me there’s more to what’s going on with me than even I realize. Intuitive little shits.
I have an appointment with a new psych on Monday. I’ve not been seen for my bipolar in 6 years, and it’s definitely time. My biggest fear at the moment is that they’ll want to put me on something other than what I was on previously, and it won’t work. It took 8 YEARS to find something that managed all my symptoms and kept me level and closer to what ever normal people must experience emotionally. Like a lot of people I know or have known with mental illnesses, I don’t want to be on medication, but I know I have no choice if I want to have any kind of decent quality of life. I need this. And I know I do. It just sucks. I just hope this goes smoothly and I leave the facility with meds in hand to hopefully start feeling more.... I dunno… “back to life”, as I did when I was properly medicated before.
The other issue is sleep. I’m either not sleeping, or not sleeping well. I have a Samsung Gear S2 that I’ve gotten used to wearing to bed to track my heart rate and sleep patterns. I’m learning I do a lot of tossing and turning during the night. That at least partly explains why I wake up feeling like I’ve not slept at all. I’m getting 2.5-3 hours of motionless sleep per night. Everything else is restless, light, or I’ve woken up. The best S-Health rates my sleep is “fair”. It doesn’t matter how hard I’ve worked myself during the day, or how strenuous work was, I still can’t sleep well. That’s the other thing I’m hoping the appointment will rectify.
The cat’s behind me, and the dog is next to me, and both are snoring. This may be an early Saturday for me.