mystery rest in 2017

12:19pm

I don’t really have much to say today. Just a quick rundown on goings on so that I can keep up my entry count for this year. ;)

I had my first day off in 4 weeks on Sunday!! It was absolutely amazing! I always need that day way more than I think I do. I wonder if it’s an introvert thing? Like is that why I feel so exhausted, or does everyone feel that way after all those hours at work? It’s hard to tell. The only other one working that amount of hours is my mother and she’s crazy. She has more energy than I’ll probably ever have. But I think she thrives off the chaotic energy in the office. The same energy that drives me insane. I’ll never understand how she does it.

Anyway, I didn’t do much that day. I slept in until about 8:40a and hung out in bed for a while. It’s so nice not to have somewhere to get up and go. I thought Mom was sleeping so I stayed quiet, but it later turned out that she’d been outside for hours already. hah. No wonder it was so quiet in the house! I didn’t roll out of bed until about 10am. I had plans to go outside to do yardwork but it was cloudy and I quickly lost motivation. Had it been a nice sunny day I would have gone out just to soak up the sunshine but oh well. I didn’t get much done. And I totally forgot about needing to cut my hair even though I’d been talking about it all week. Funny how easy it is to forget things. Maybe I’ll leave myself a note to do it this next Sunday. I should have a running list because I also forgot to clean the bathroom like I’d planned. I did sweep the floors and run two loads of laundry though, so at least that got done. =)

Other than that I basically sat around on the couch. Our cable was out [since Friday morning] so we’d rented some movies to watch. We ate food and had homemade spinach dip! Drank some wine a client had brought us. The rain was on and off for most of the day so it was nice and cozy. We had a fire running [mostly because our electricity bill has been insane with the gas charges!] and I posted a lovely picture to fb. You know, I have to update that thing once every few months lest anybody think I’ve disappeared. ha.

One of the girls I went to high school with asked where I was. I haven’t responded yet because of course my laptop decide it hates its battery now and I have to have it plugged in to even turn it on. That’s way too much of a pain. I don’t get on fb at work so that slows down my responses. Also, I was at home and I’m guessing her real question was where I was living now. People still don’t know I’m in town. I mean I’ve only been here for like 6 years, but whatever. I like it this way! One big mystery - where could Rose be now!? haha. And I’d like to keep it that way so I’ll probably avoid her question, or at least avoid giving a straight answer.

Actually on Friday we were helping some clients out when another girl I went to school with walked in the door. It was crazy in here with kids running everywhere [I mentioned it in my last entry] and so we didn’t connect for a few minutes until after I caught up with work. She was like, “hey! I thought that was you!” and came around to give me a hug. We caught up a little. One of the first things she said was “Are you back in town now? I didn’t know you were around.” hah. I made some comment about how I’d probably never leave and we had a quick chat about small town life. But yeah, I didn’t give too many details. I didn’t mention I’ve been here all this time. I didn’t specifically say I’d be sticking around.

I know she won’t tell anyone I’m here. We never really ran in the same circles and I don’t think she really talks to anyone we went to school with. So it’s all good. Let’s just keep the mystery alive!

Speaking of mysteries: I came in to work this morning and did my usual routine, checking e-mails and what not. I never really expect to find anything. A bunch of junk mail mostly and I pop on here to see if there are any updates.
Well today I had all these tabs open and I clicked over to my gmail account [I always check it last because I’ve never used it for anything other than a couple random sites and now to message TF] and of course it caught me off guard when I saw that bold message at the top with the title “HI”. Once I got a closer look at it I realized that he’d gone back to an old message thread from Feb 4/5 where we were getting along and replied to that instead of either of the previous two that involved us disagreeing. Interesting move! I kind of give him props for trying to change the topic. And I’m just now also realizing that he’s never started an e-mail to me. Like a new fresh clean message. They’ve all started with me and he simply replies to them.

I was actually going to come in here today and update on life and figured I’d mention that I couldn’t believe it had been a week already since we’d spoken. Time really does fly when you’re working! I can’t believe it’s been that long already. I feel like we just spoke yesterday. It’s already going to be two weeks since we saw each other. Just like that. In the blink of an eye!

There are two draft messages sitting in a folder that I typed up during this last week. A semi-upset-this isn’t fun-I’m so hurt-good luck in life first draft. And a second we talked about this-it makes me feel cheap-I’m more than that-the worst part is you involved my mom and now I have to deal with her questions. I don’t know if I’ll send either one. It was very cathartic to write them though. And maybe I’ll end up with some version of one, or both, but I haven’t decided.
Today’s message read: “Just saying hi cutie pie”. =| My initial reaction was “fuck off” because seriously? That’s what you’re coming back with? What the hell? After that wore off I started leaning towards a response like “quit stringing me along - just go away” but that won’t work either.

We all know I’m not that confrontational. I’m way better at avoiding! Which is why I have yet to reply and will probably let it sit for a while. I know that it’s way too easy to get wrapped back up in it. [Why is he so damn good looking!?!] We’ll both blow it off like nothing happened and we’ll start fresh. Then we’ll end up in this same freaken place again in a few weeks because we’re insane and can’t help ourselves. We must enjoy the torture. I mean, can you believe this has been going on for almost a year? Well, if you count from when he started flirting with me at work. The actual conversation part between us has only been like six months. Even still! That’s a long time to be living in this crazy cycle. What is wrong with us?? Why do we both keep coming back for more?

I was thinking about this the other day. How I said that I didn’t want to start over with someone new. That I can’t imagine beginning again. But I realized that at this time last year I didn’t even know he was interested. That can literally happen with anyone! Some guy could be right in front of my nose and I’d never know it unless he mentioned it. I never knew about TF. I never would have guessed it. And to realize that that’s a possibility with anyone is kinda liberating. Even if this doesn’t work out, there is still so much potential out there.

At any minute some guy could stroll in here and change my whole world. I definitely should not be afraid to step away from this just for that reason. And I’m not! But the thought crossed my mind. Like I’m open to everything, but I don’t think I’ll be actively seeking it any time soon. I really need to learn to take my own advice and let the world work itself out. It always, every single time, works out the way it’s supposed to, but I can’t seem to find a way to let that stick in my brain.

So anyway, I’m not sure I’ll be able to walk away from this right now. I still think about him with pretty much every free moment of time. But I don’t want to chase after him either. Is it bad that I kinda want him to beg for my attention? I mean I don’t mean it in a bad way. I guess I just want to know that he’s actually interested in me? I want him to chase me, maybe? I’m not sure what that would prove exactly, but it sure would make me feel better.

We’ll just have to play it by ear for now. See how it goes. I know there are a lot of things I need to say to him, but I can’t find the right words to say it. Like when we’re good, I don’t want to mess it up. And when we’re not, I’d rather not say things in anger. So here we are. I’ll keep ya posted.

rose.
5:15pm