long day partner in 2017

Feb. 17, 2017
11:20am

It is a crazy rainy day today! We’re finally getting the kind of storms that will replace all the water we’ve been so desperately missing from our lakes and rivers. The bad thing is that I’m always stuck at work all day and I don’t get to sit back on my couch and enjoy this cozy weather!

Our first client this morning said that he was going to go home, put a log on the fire, turn on some music, grab a beer, and lay around on the couch with his dog for the rest of the day. Minus the dog part, I could totally be into that! Oh and maybe a good wine or whiskey in place of the beer too. That seems slightly more comforting on a day like today. Ahh the thought of it is just the kind of comfort I’m looking for.

Today marks my 26th day without a day off. I just roughly added the hours together and I’m looking at somewhere around 233 as of yesterday. Now if you take that and average it out it’s really only like 9hr/day. But that’s 9hr/day, every day, for the last 4 weeks. =\ To say I’m exhausted is an understatement. It’s mostly mental, like my batteries are depleted, and I’m not sure having one day off on Sunday is going to be enough to recharge them. I’m reaching the halfway point of the season so I’m starting to remind myself that once it’s over I’ll be able to freely travel the country again.

I don’t have any set trips planned for this year yet. My brother’s barely speaking to me right now so I won’t count on a trip out to Seattle. [He’s barely speaking to anybody - we’re not in a fight or anything - I think it’s severe depression he’s got going on but I’m not a doctor..] I’d like to do a Wisconsin trip because that’s always fun. But who knows. They were talking about maybe doing Lake Tahoe instead of Vegas for Mother’s Day this year but we haven’t made any plans as of now. We’ll see though. I’m excited for whatever might come up. Check a couple new states off the ol’ bucketlist maybe. :)

I’ve been thinking about my current situation and I’d really like to find someone who will be there for me at the end of these long days. Someone who I can reach out to for comfort when I’m working 11 hr days and haven’t had a day off in four weeks. I need someone who will make me feel like I’m being taken care of when I can barely stand to function. I don’t need to be taken care of all the time, in fact I’d prefer not to be because I enjoy my independence, but times like these I’d like someone to hold on to..
[like this very moment where it’s wild in here and I need a freaken break sigh]

My point being that I don’t think TF is capable of being that person for me. At least not right now. And maybe not ever? I don’t know. He won’t freaken say anything to me. He won’t let me in on an emotional level and I need that. I really need that. That would be my entire reason for ever letting myself get vulnerable and be in a relationship. To connect on an emotional level.

I haven’t heard anything back from him. At all. I’m not exactly surprised. I’m curious to see when he’ll get back in touch and what he’ll say. I can’t believe how easily I was going to blow it off and move on. Like damn. I ignored him for like a day and then was right back in it. I seriously can’t help myself. It’s like he walks back in the door and I forget I was ever hurt/uncomfortable/bothered/anything. I’m just right back in and I want him all over again. Damn whatever that chemistry stuff does to my brain! It doesn’t let me stay mad at him.

It doesn’t matter though. I’m going to try to move on this time. I don’t really want to, but this isn’t going the way I’d like it to. It’s not satisfying whatever needs I have. Like I’ve said before I’m only going to give up my nice single life for something that fills in all the spaces that are empty in my world.
Now, to be completely honest, I’ll probably fail the moment he reaches back out. But we’ll deal with that when the time comes. I wish he could just be the person I need him to be. It wouldn’t be that hard. I seriously don’t require much.

I don’t know how to talk to him about that though. Like I want to have this conversation with him in person, but I am so terrible at confrontation. And I’m shy. And I just don’t think it would go the way I have it all worked out in my head. If it did that would be great but I can’t predict what he’ll say. So I’d rather avoid it and not deal. Story of my life, right?

It’s hard to think about finding someone else. Like having to start over and do all of this again? I know that I’ll always run into the same situations with every guy that I meet. I’ll have to tell him my story. I’ll have to admit to being way more conservative than most girls my age. And I’m starting to wonder if the only way to find someone that doesn’t care about that would be to find some uber conservative Christian. Only I can’t do uber conservative Christian because I’m actually very open-minded and liberal in a lot of ways. And I might be Catholic but I’m not so obsessed with it that I’m blinded into believing every single thing in the Bible. So yeah, that wouldn’t really work.

I guess I’m basically screwed. Maybe I’ll just be single forever? That doesn’t sound that bad. I mean except the days when I’d really like to reach out and feel some kind of comfort. Those are the only days that it would be nice to have someone around. Any best friends available out there? That might be helpful. Maybe I just need to spend more time socializing with other humans. I’ve never really seen the appeal, but perhaps getting old is bringing in some loneliness? I don’t know…

I’ve been working on this thing all day. I don’t even know what I’ve said or rambled on about anymore. The rain finally settled down and there are some amazing cloudscapes and sun ray combinations going on. That’s the good thing about a desk next to the window, I guess?

The BBQ guy came in earlier and I was trying to get some major sympathy out of him. Like can’t some guy out there in the world feel bad for me that I have to work so much? hah.

Ok. I’m going now.

rose.
7:05pm